Aspergers, ODD, And he wispers to me..Samarra is weird.. but i like her....awww May 25, 2012

Happy almost weekend!!!!

That's my way of saying Friday this week.. lol

This is me today!!!

Three day weekend coming........WHOOOO  HOOOOOO!!!!!!!

This past week I think was a really good one! I say that because as I try to recollect it, I cant much  lolol  I really need to get to a doctor about this memory thing! BUT, then maybe God just blessed me with it so I do not remember EVERYTHING.. as i really do not want to remember some....... hummmmm So should I be thankful or worried  lololol

Well, Samarra is out of school and you know what............SO far transition has been good! She is still awake at 6 a.m. ready for something to eat and it is routine as usual, so I am sure that helps. We have only had one issue yesterday and today............Baby usually gets up at 7 a.m., well I am waiting until 7:15 or 7:20 to get her up.......SOOOOOO of course Samarra has cried and tried to reason with me it is SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!  Not later!!! So she will say, I am going, I say no your not, she says......I have to, I say no you don't.......and then it is on......... she is SOOOOOOOO mad and she just basically takes the attitude, I am doing it and try and stop me and of course I fight back.. I start with ok, you lost 30 min of computer wanna go for more........She gets up at 7!!!!!!!!!! so finally before she is restricted from even having a day I just ignore her and let her pitch her fit.............. Then the hate words start coming and things get thrown.......... I PROMISE at these moments, I know God HAS to be right there with me!! He is behind me holding my arms back while i kick and scream to go after her........lolol  Cause I can feel my blood BOIL, but yet, i do nothing............. I think I should be on some kind of miracle show!!!!!!!!!!!!  lol

THEN!!!!!!!!

Both days after Samarra goes in there she says..................I guess I can get used to waking her up at 7:10, but no later!  What??? Seriusly after all of that....  I say, Samarra yesterday you said you could do it, she says... Well, I thought I could, but I cant... tomorrow I will........You know what.. i don't want a fight... 7:10 it will be i guess.......

OK, mommy confessional - You know someone sent me an email and thanked me for writing the truth about my life............Well you know.. even a child who is considered normal is not perfect every day and NO ONES life is all roses...........  I have challenges on me some don't have, and others have even harder challenges I don't have..... It's called life.......... So my confessional today is, I love Samarra sooooooooo much and I wouldn't change a thing about her, God does not make mistakes!!!!!! BUT, When i get up in the morning, i actually spend some of this time not intentionally, but i do spend time thinking, oh i hope she sleeps later or OMG I only have so many minutes till six. I am letting the situation put a fear in me or something.

I am not afraid of her... anymore... lolol  But I guess the anxiety of the unknown is what gets me........ Will it start good, will it start bad. what is it going to be.. I find myself looking around for things that can set things off bad and i just don't know and when something does happen i think DANG I shoulda done this or that.. When in reality...........I am doing what i can, it is not my fault!  Anyway.. I am only human.........So oh well......... I guess not a bad confessional....  = )

And we go happily on our way................... You know, It just seems such a waste of time! I don't even want to know how it would go if i did not have a bite of food for her!!!!!!!!!!!!  She eats at moms so i just give her like 1/4 of toast with her pills......  WHEW  WORLD WAR, I think we are on like 100 now....  lol


I am happy to say, we have a phone number of a friend from school and church now!!!!!!!!!!!  Her grandparents said they would like to call us and set a play date up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG OMGosh !!!!! I cant even describe the emotions I have about this................This will be her first one!!!!!!!  I am nervous, excited, worried, even scared a little.......... Do I tell the grandparents about her, or do I just let it go how it will.........If I tell them will they freak out and not want to invite her or will they be understanding??????  

I just want it to be over so i know all of it...........grrrrrrrrrr  But I am happy mostly..............OHHHHHH and it was so cute......... there is a little boy Samarra's age at school named ( I may spell it wrong) Keron who was following her around and playin with her hair, chasing her and making her laugh at her school the other day............I was like yup, he likes her  lol  He walked up to me and whispers in my ear........Samarra is weird....But I like her... AWWWWWWWWW  They were both in a play at school and he played a part where he was suppose to be "the ladies man"  omgosh it was so cute!!!!!

So in the social department I was very excited this week and proud of Samarra!!........ She is getting old enough where she asks how she is suppose to respond to things, like the other day she says..."what am I suppose to do again if someone I just met comes and asks me if i want to play with them and there is more than one person playing?"     Seems pretty simple to ya huh...........Well not to her........she gets confused cause she has a hard time focusing on playing with more than one person then she gets confused and overwhelmed and then she usually goes off by herself ............ So I think a goal of mine is going to be taking her to the park more and getting her to interact with kids she doesn't know at all......... it is going to take some force, cause she usually just stays right by me and wont play.........grrrrrrr

You know it is hard sometimes to remember to praise Samarra for things other kids do normally..........I have got to do better with that.. praising her for talking to another child and such........... Lesson for me......... = )

So on another note, Siahna is so funny......... She is 2 and she talks non stop!!!!!!!!!! She will go on and on  and if i say anything she comes back with.. "I am not done yet" and keeps going.. I got some video of  it for ya= )  AND She says  "NOBODY" a lot!!  lol  Oh and sorry she says poop and pee in them too  lolol

Click here...Siahna video #1

Click here... Siahna # 2

Click here... Siahna # 3

Click here... Siahna # 4

Here are my photos for this week...

Samarra's award ceremony!!

Samarra and Siahna playing after graduation... That is her little friend Kuron, the only boy lol

Me today, May 25.

Samarra and her teacher Miss Schones...  Love her!!!

Cute and NO Pants again...

Have a great weekend and be safe on these roads over the holiday!!!!!!!!!

Aspergers, ODD...Little House on the Prarie punishment! May 18, 2012

Friday!!!!

 So how many ways can you actually keep saying....  Friday.......I was not thinking it is Friday.. I was thinking and well singing in my head "BOB the Builder"!!!!!!!   GRRRR... it has been in my head every morning this week!!!!! But I am glad it is Friday= )

Tomorrow me and the girls will be going to Texas for a very special event!!!!!!!!!

Jonathan Goforth, my brother-in-law, my sister Debbi's husband, and of course his parents son  lolol will be retiring from the Marines!!!!!!!!!  WOO HOOO.. We are proud of him!! 

Now the 3.5 hour drive with the girls.. not so sure if I am excited about that part.. but there is a chance Samarra will be riding with my sister.......PLEASE PLEASE  lolol  HINT HINT Debbi!

Well this week on the ol-home-front, my house went back to almost normal crazy!!  WOO HOOOO!!! Momma did not loose it , at least not that i remember, not even one time.......(Disclaimer, that may be a lie... lolol)

School went back to normal, and she did not get in trouble not even one time at school!!!!!!!  YAY!!!  But then she also got VERY sick over the weekend and she did not go to school on Tuesday....  I had her up and sitting outside the clinic at 7:30, thirty minutes before they even opened!  BY GOD, I was going to be first, and i will beat down anyone who challenges me!!!!  They had doctors to help them ... AFTER us of course  lololollol.... Someone pulled up in the lot and i was like get out we are going to stand by the door!   Poor thing didn't feel good. Diagnosis.........Sinus infection, rt. ear infection, upper respiratory infection..  How the heck you gonna get all of them at once???

OHHHHHH and the not keeping stuff down didn't help either.............OMG.. So I think there are stages of vomiting................1. Baby vomit....gets on you and it is no big deal, at least for me............2.Toddler vomit, still not so bad...........3. Kid vomit...........pushing it......................WELL Samarra has moved into the 4.Adult vomit stage.............this is the first time ever i got violently ill from it!!!!!!!!!!!!  I threw everything in the trash.. I did not give a darn what it was, IT's GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMGosh what is that...................  blah!  Yes, of course i let her know i was not mad or anything.....= )  Good mommy...= )

OK, two funny statements i actually remembered this week from Samarra....

I told her no to something.............She says: You can be some what harsh and abrasive at times, but I still love you even though you act like you are from the Stone Age!  lolol

She also says.... I am the superior being in this house, it is unfortunate I am stuck in this 7 yo body... lolol

SO, even though we went back to normal, that means of course as all parents with children who are .. how shall i say.. a challenge.. are... Yes, we still had the arguing, the crying.. the meltdowns, the hitting, the anger.....and as always it is on like a light switch and it is off just as fast...  OH and i did cry one time= (       BOOOOOOOOOOOO  I know you feel very sorry for me don't you... lol


I guess that is what i did instead of loose it, i seriously just cried and for like two days i was almost completely silent!!!  I guess i needed that!!! Sorry for those who tried to call me on those days.. No, I did not answer phone either= (


So I know your dying to know..........What is Little House on the Prairie punishment????? Well I will tell you what it is....... Since time out, grounding and even spankins on occasion do not seem to work at all for her these days.. I finally lost it and told her dad..........YOU DO IT!  I am done!  and you know what...........I shoulda done it a long time ago.............He came up with the idea!!!!!!! She will do manual labor!!!!!!  lolol She has been wanting a garden, so now she has one..... She is creating a somewhat large garden in the back yard... Daddy tilled it up and her first part was picking up all the dead grass out of it........... Took her 4 hours on Saturday!!!!!!


So this is what happened... she cried a lot at first...............saying.. why did i have to hit mom, why did i talk back.. i promise i wont again.........why did i have to mean to sister...........(Yes, you crazies thinking we just dumped her out there) I put sun screen on her, I gave her water, she came in like 8 times, i went out there like 5 times, I showed her how to do it more efficiently after 30 min of her picking up 1 piece of grass at a time........

And yes, i actually sat down on the couch for a minute and watched an old movie.. "The Golden Child" I felt so lazy!!

One time Samarra came in she said to me.. hope your having fun in here all doing NOTHING while I am slaving away for your food..........lololol I just looked at her and said.. could you keep it down, I am watching TV.. lol she was all hmmmph and walked away.....  LOL  yes, mommy stooooped to her level yet again!


By the time she was done...................She was sooooooooooooooooooooo proud of herself, she wanted to tell everyone and show off.........She had done something so awesome and we praised her so much for it.........Sooooooooo We are going to be following through with this effort and I think when she gets done she will have learned that hard work does pay off and that she is awesome at something, and we are so proud, and NO ONE DID IT FOR HER!  Remember, all this time working she could have been fighting with me.. so it gives mommy a break too= )  Good JOB DAD!!!  The punishment part.........well, it it kind of you will do this.. she does not stick to anything very long unless she is interested in it....She will cry and fight back, but she will learn= )

OK, so I better finish getting ready for work, I know you want to read oh so much more and you miss me when I don't.. lolol

OH!!!!!!!!!!! Her behavioral doctor made a very very good point to me and now I get to put it in some peoples faces who think I am the problem not her since most of her things are lashed out at me!!!!!!!!!!    WOO HOO  lol  Besides the fact I spend the most time with her................Samarra wants to be in charge, she wants control, she wants things her way or the highway. But she doesn't push as much with everyone as she does with me and then my mother next..................I asked the doctor .. why... why when I try so hard and do what I am suppose to does this keep going on..........She looked at me and she said.. Darla, do you not realize that you are her #1 competition????  In your family unit, you are the only thing standing in her way of being woman of the house........She is trying to tear you down...... She feels you are a threat!

All of a sudden things made so much sense to me.............Even in her prayers at night she says.. bless mommy, but daddy the most.. i love him the most and my baby Siahna.................HHHHHHHMMMM

I will be pondering that for a minute.......Cause momma is not leavin  lol

OK, I slacked on pics this week and videos, but here are a few= )

Have an awesome day!!!

Aspergers, ODD.. Did i say ODD?? God chose me for my children!May 11, 2012

Happy Friday!!!

Happy almost Mother's Day!!!

For those of you who don't know.. I am going to share.. There was a time when i thought I would never have kids....When i was nine years old my body decided to become a woman...........Let me tell you.. THAT was one of the scariest moments of my life.. My older sisters might have been prepared.. but me.. 9... NO... it was too early! I was at my grandmothers house and it happened.. I was dying, I was not sure what I had done, but i was bleeding to death!! Thank God my mother let me know I was not going to die................
Little did I know that day would begin a very long journey!!!

By the time I was 16, I was so sick at times that i would have to be taken to the hospital with severe bleeding and I remember to this day my first DNC, (Sorry guys for this graphic) lolol That is where they cut the lining of your uterus out.......WELL, guess what.. My first one came with no anesthesia!!!!!!! I remember the nurse telling my mom to get at the head of the table and hold me down..... OMGosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was like hot knifes ripping me apart!!!!! I then was introduced to drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!  MMMMMMMM  love me some drugs....  No i don't mean to take drug use with a lite meaning, I have been fortunate enough to not be pre-dis positioned to abuse... I am a lucky one!

So come to find out, I have what they call Stein Leventhal Syndrome.... It is a combination of things, but it also involves ovarian cysts... Well I cant have babies with out assistance..........I went years and years to doctors and cried and cried and cried and begged and begged to have my babies......

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.......

God chose my time..............it is not my time, it was his....... I was seeing a wonderful doctor named Dr. Haase at OU medical center.................. HEY.. I just thought this!!! My babies are OU babies!!!!!!!!  WHOOP WHOOP!!!!!!!!!  GO OU!!!

OOps, went off on a tangent.. I am back  lolol 

I had surgery and they retrieved my eggs and fertilized them and then we started...... The first time I was implanted.. I found out that you MUST go in with your bladder so full you want to just die! I felt like i was 9 months pregnant with a bladder!!!!!!!! Reason is so your uterus is perfectly strait..........I laid there and whimpered and cried and begged them to let me go just a little..............I had to wait..........The doctors come in and they bring this incubator like they put new born babies in to stay warm and turned down the lights and I asked them why??? When they answered me I started crying cause I knew then how life is so precious and even though my babies were so tiny you cant even see them with out a microscope, they are alive and they like and dislike things....

Even at the stage they were in, the doctor said that the babies like it warm and they don't like the light...........I was crying knowing i was in the same room with my babies........

It did not work that time.... Samarra was not one of those eggs.. so They went back to Jesus= )

I lost both the babies..........This was very hard.....I know there is huge controversy on when a baby is a baby, but I am telling you my babies were alive and growing and yes, i loved everyone of them... The few minutes I got to spend with them in that room and then the two weeks i had them in me were so precious to me.Then God missed them so bad they needed to go home. So I went in the next time and they put my babies in and I went home.... Sit.. wait....go to work........try not to think about it........go back in a week to have hormone levels checked........wait.. go to work, try not to think about it......

OH, I forgot to mention each time trying you go through a HUGE very time specific plan of shots every day...lol one time it was getting time to have a shot and I had no one to give it to me!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually went to a neighbor (who was female AND was one of my own employees!!!!!) I went to her apartment and she opened the door with the look of ..........OMG what did I do.. am I getting fired.........And I had to explain to her why I was there and she gave me a shot in my bootay!!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure I violated SOOOOOOOOOOO many HR issues with that one.......... But , momma's will do anything for their babies!!!!!!! With out that one shot, i could have killed the babies instantly... It was basically like their food, since my body was not producing hormones like it should to help them grow................OMG we laugh about it till this day..!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Rayne Mckinney!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a picture of Samarra, although I am not for sure WHICH one she is.. lol

I got pictures of all my babies before = )  AWWWW  aren't they cute!!!  lolol

Went back to doctor and I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO

So the weirdest thing ever in all of this is.....................The rest of my eggs were put into cryogenics, frozen basically................Well I went back 5 years later to do it again and I lst quite a few.... and I had three eggs left and yup.. there came Siahna!!!!!!!!!!

Samarra and Siahna were both fertilized the SAME day!!!!!!!!!!! But Siahna was frozen for 5 years!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY ARE TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG just freaks me out!

Anyway.. I have two blessings in my life that drive me insane sometimes............What more could I ask for!!!!!!!!!

So back to reality.................This past week has been VERY trying..............I am back to the point of WHAT DO I DO!!!!!! Things are so good............then all hell breaks loose...............I have gotten almost hit, the mad devil look and screamed at, kicked, pushed and it just keeps going on............YES, her schedule at school was jacked up this week too.............DOES that give her the right??? NO, did she get consequences........YES.......Did I go crazy??? NO!!............Did I turn into a psycho mom??? NO............Did I want to??? YES!!!!!!!!...... lolololol Did I lower myself to her level a few times???? YES I DID!!! lololol....(One time she yelled I am NOT talking ever again.. I said THANK GOD.. now it can be quiet around here finally...........it just made her mad........ lololol) , so whatever.. i got childish.. I kept my cool didn't I..... I get kudos here by god!!! .........But i know it was because her routine was off! Thank GOD next week is just school!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ODD, has really shown its head this week.....And if it doesnt stop.. the MWWB is going to come out!!!! LOLOLOLOL MWWB = Momma who woops bootay) BHAAAA!!!! I crack me up!!............ I am hoping for better week next week............ No matter what I am still thankful for my girls and I am so thankful for my mother who has taught me everything I know about kids.

She is my God-send and I love her so much!!!

To all the mothers out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY !!! And to all the single fathers out there.. HAPPY MOTHER'S day!!!! For those of you who do not have children yet, or do not or can not have children.........God chose you for a purpose .. Like my sister says...........She is a spiritual mother to a lot of people and She has made a difference in more peoples lives than i ever will with just my two kids.......

Happy Mothers day to anyone who has any interaction and shows a mothers love to a child!!!!!!!

Some oldies of momma and girls= ) 

UM Kinda fuzzy.........  lol

Christmas 2011 at OPUBCO

OMG me with no makeup!!!!!!!!!

Lookin a hot mess and Siahna  lol

My babies= )  I think we all look kinda warped or fuzzy.. not sure  = )

GO OU!!!

 Have a GREAT WEEK!!!!!!!!!

 

Aspergers, ODD.....Why is this so hard sometimes???? May 4, 2012

T.G.I.F.

Happy ALMOST Cinco De Mayo!!! 

AND 

 

Almost happy Birthday to my dad!!!

OK, so I missed a week...........BOOOO MEEEE!!!! LOL I am not sure how it happened, but i lost last week Friday! Like it was just gone....I have no recollection of it at all! I think something is wrong with me.. I of course remembered when I received messages from some folks who read thought something had happened to me and sent me lovely email to check on me.. THANK YOU!!!  AAAWWWWWWWWWW

So you seem my title to this post and When I wrote it, I was thinking how others have it soooo much worse than I do and I should be able to handle this a lot better than I do.........I feel bad for saying it is hard, but IT IS!!!  

This past two weeks now there has been so many field trips, a party and some other things that have changed normal routines and were exciting for Samarra..........

Ok, .............MOMMY CONFESSION TIME............

Yes, I want her to have fun, but I CANT STAND how she is before and after!!!!!  Like i get SOOOOO mad, Like i feel my head swelling up and hot flames starting at the bottom of my neck and start moving up my face until i feel my heart beating in my head...............I am pretty sure I may look like i am going to explode at some point!!!!!!....lololol ....... All the while I am thinking OMG I cant believe this AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I just don't know how to handle it.. OH sure repercussions of actions  I GET IT.........But that alone is not helping her understand....She flat out does not get it.. It is the same all the time, it has not changed.......she just melts down anyway......... Gets mad...........even violent a bit toward her sister this past two weeks...( I mean like pushing her away or hitting her not hard) But with a face of anger.

It is like her anger jumps to me like electricity jumping from one post to another and my insides just start boiling over!!!!!!!!! NOW, I unlike her CAN control it.......I did loose it TWO times though  and that is two more times than I have in months!!!!!!!!!  I yelled at her........Now, sometimes i have to get loud with her to snap her in to attention but that is not with anger....  This time it was full blown anger that made me yell............And then what happens...........I feel guilty and bad...........GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

I thought about it and some people who see Samarra very little and read this blog make comments on I just don't believe it, she is just so sweet..........YES SHE IS..........BUT, they have a brief interaction with her and they are gone......The hard part is trying to survive the daily living..

I admit, every time i hear of something coming up at school or anything, i am like DANG!!!!!!!!!!  I try to prepare, but it is of no use!

Here is an example of my last two weeks........

Woke up Saturday.......................Took the girls to Walmart, which Samarra loves...  doing good so far........on way home, stopped by the park and played with the girls for about an hour...........still doing great................got some food and went home and the girls are eating.............doing good............. then the food is gone.......

AND THEN IT STARTS

Samarra where are we going now............. No where , we are going to relax and clean up cause you have a birthday party to go to tomorrow.....See how I tried to smooth the blow of not going anywhere over with the party???  I look over at her to see if a reaction is coming, but I don't let her see me......... it is like a tthat moment i am thinking please please please please.......

NOPE it didnt work..

Samarra now yelling and crying..... we are suppose to be going somewhere, we been out all morning, now we need to go again.....  No honey, we are going to stay and get some things done.................SQUEAL SCREAM into her pillow and rocking and kicking her feet................... WE NEED TO GO...........WE ARE GOING!!!!!!!!!  Now it is time for me to start ignoring it..............I AM GOING with glare like she just came right out of the exorcist............ And headed to the door.............GRRRRRR  I forgot to shut the door!!!!!!!!!!  I tell her, don't you dare go outside!      Samarra I AM GOING.......We went this morning and we are going to go now.    I actually have to go over and grab her to not go out the door. 

Have I mentioned touching her in this time is bad???

She yanked away and ran to the couch screaming and yelling, knocking over the baby as she did...........baby screaming now........... And I lost it............. I yelled at her............. So as always this continued until she was done and she gets up and as IF NOTHING happened she gets up....... Thank you for taking us to the park mommy and buying us our new balls..............

WHAT???   I mean seriously.......WHAT???? Please tell me this was not just ridiculous!

On the days we don't do anything at all.........this doesn't happen, but it is usually the second week we dont do anything cause she will want to go the same place we did the week before at that time.... get through the first week, the second week of nothing.. EASY PEASY!

Next day she goes to the birthday party and comes home and GUESS WHAT????????????  SAME THING happened!!!!!!!

OH and last Thursday I had to stop at gas station before school..........yesterday was Thursday again and she lost her mind when she found out we weren't going to the gas station!  It was Thursday ya know.. we HAVE to go.........

Is it because schedule has been off and she is trying to get more routine back?????????? I dont know, but she has got in trouble at school 4 times in last two weeks as well, so NO it is NOT just me... for those who like to say it is my fault...= )

So we have a birthday gathering for my father this weekend and a church program she is in this weekend so i guess we will get it again .............next week the zoo on Monday at school...........and a fun day on Tuesday..........PLEASE GOD HELP ME MAKE it through next Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel my sanity slipping and we all know how horrible my memory is, i need my sanity!!!!!!!!!!

Funny story though.. two of them...

While Samarra has been in the middle of her episodes  lol Siahna says the funniest things... like.. one time she went over to her and yelled............STOP CYING (crying with no R) !!! Go to your woom!!!!!!!!! and turned around and looked at me and said.. it's not working momma!!  lolol

Another time, she says....Sissy you are being so wedicuwus.......stop it now!  looks at me and says she is cryin again!!!!!   I find it kind of funny but not funny, that Siahna is getting used to her behavior and just goes on about her business or tries to help her.........Which i have to be careful of, cause you don't touch or get too close in those times.

Anyway........I am not sure I can do anything different, but I sure will be glad when it slows down back to normal insanity!!!!!!!!!!  

OH.. HAHAHAHAHA  last night Siahna wanted to take her diaper off so I said she could.... She takes it off and puts her skort back on and then slides off the couch and takes about 3 steps and then starts crying and reached around and was holding her bottom saying.....  MY CAC!!!!... MY CAC!!!!!....(My crack)    and she says my pant in my CAC!!!   Help me mommy!!!  Through her tears......  I was crackin up.. my baby got her first wedgie!!!!!!!!  LOLOL 

Here is a video of the girls on the swing  singing some songs...

Click link.............Girls singing on swing.... 

Why always tic-tac-toe! lol

NO pictures!! I am busy she said... lol

What??  lol

Siahna learning how to play Temple Run.. lol

Yes this innocent face can yell  lol

I hope you have a great week!!!!!!!!