Diary of an Asperger's Mom: Aspergers?? ODD... I feel so bad= ( Oct. 27, 2011

Yeah it is Friday eve!!!

AND

Payday Eve!!!

OK.........So I am going to start off with something that is bugging me..........I ge ton here at least four days a week and I talk about Samarra and some of the effects it has on me............ Well, I want to say that no matter what I say or do, I could not LOVE samarra anymore than if she was what is seen as "normal."

My love to her and Siahna and my whole family and friends is ALWAYS unconditional. However, I don't love easy either= )So I just wanted to say that cause I feel like there are so many negatives I say about Samarra and although they are true accounts of our life... Our life is not bad.. True we go way up and way down.. but there is love all over my house and I know she knows it and feels it.

It is more like when she has a meltdown it is because she is not processing something right, or there is an emotion that just goes crazy and she does NOT deal with emotions very well and she just gets overwhelmed and it comes out.

Two examples last night........... She has her Awana class on Wed. nights and J.R. was suppose to come, but it got changed to next week.........WELL .. CHANGE is the key word there......She went into her mode of........
Samarra:YES, he is coming!!...
Me: No honey he is not coming this week
Samarra:Yes.. it was planned and he will be there
Me: Honey I am telling you he will not be there tonight.
Samarra... he will be there.. he will be there... he will be there.
Samarra: Why does everyone LIE!!!!!!!
Samarra: ANGER has set in now and she is screaming and punching my seat and kicking her legs...
Me: Just driving and singing to keep me calm= )
Me: Honey would you rather stay home?
Samarra: weird growl and still kicking

So we set in the car, just sitting for like five more minutes and then she says.. So he is coming next week?? I said Yes..........UNLESS someone gets sick......... So she said OK..........Love you mommy and went to her class.......It is at this moment I always think..............REALLY??????????? When she got done she was so excited, she had a BLAST.. went on and on about what they did and was of course EXTREMELY excited to the point she was very intrusive in my space, but I just let her until she started kissing my face and saying I love you so much and was like taking my air away.. lol then i had to pull back and tell her to back up a bit.... AND of course it made her want to do it more, so i distracted by tickling her= )

Second was.. My aunt Inez passed yesterday.. The one I am suppose to look like and of course Samarra was laughing about it and I did get upset about that.. duh.. lol Anyway after she kept asking questions like did it hurt and did they have to cut her open and all with a smile it hit me she was dragging me into one of her creapy conversations so i stopped it and was upset and i kept on her this time and after i was upset for a bit, I walked away....... Later she says to me Mother, I am sorry Aunt Inez died and your sad, but what is the big deal.. She is with Jesus and you said it is awesome there right and I don't know why I think it is funny.. but if it is funny it makes this thing in my throat go away.....

I saw then for the first time she was trying to keep away the sad emotion that causes the welp in your throat the emotion of REAL sadness......... Not the sadness of not getting her way.. but the true sadness.... But of course she had to through a little of her thought process in there of why she didn't think it was a big deal............that's fine too= ) She then started talking about things she remembered from the family reunions and how only four of the original kids are left now....

So I am thinking this is a good thing.. .this is the first time she turned around and explained something she was feeling even though she did not know what it was. it is not a fix, but it is a step= )

So we had some ups and downs but to me the night was not bad at all= )This morning Samarra says to me.. I love you so much mommy... you know why???
Me: Why?
Samarra: Cause your weird and you love me even though my IQ is higher than yours and I am weird too= )

AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW

I actually do love that she is different than other kids... NOW if she can only have the attitude I have which is.... I am me and I do not care even one bit what others think about me.. Cause it is not important in the big picture= ) My mom understood me growing up and she let me wear and be as weird as I wanted.. She knew who I was inside= )

I think my whole family knows I am kind of like that= ) I am the baby too though lololol

I love my family!!!

HALLOWEEN history photos