Diary of an Asperger's Mom: December 2012

Happy Tuesday!!!

Yes, I came back finally!!!!!!!!!!!

So the last time I was here I mentioned having surgery. I did it!! Let me give you a little background here. I had some scar tissue from having c-sections and other things on my lower tummy that was causing some problems with pain and blood flow so in talking to my doctor I decided surgery was a good option to be pain free. I also had a small hernia so when I coughed I felt like I was being stabbed from the inside out. AND the sneezing!!!!!!!!!!! OMGosh it was a small explosion every time.!!!!!!!!!! Good thing i did not explode.. ew... I did get a visual on that.. = (

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lovely insurance decided this was NOT a medical issue and deemed it to be cosmetic surgery and I would have to pay for every penny of it! Just makes you feel so warm and squishy inside knowing we pay for insurance every month! MMMMMMMMMMM.......... LOLOL NOT!!!!!!!

SO at that time I found out a full TT (Tummy Tuck) did not cost even a penny more than what I was having done!!!!!!!!

WOW.........Well sounds like a bargain to me! Let's DO IT!!!!

THAT..........Ladies and Gentlemen and zombies and every one out there, was the worst decision I have ever made in my life!!!!!!!!! DO you ever revert to your childhood dreams of wishing you could be like Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie and just blink or wiggle your nose and change things?????? I wished i coulda went back in time and stood next to myself and slapped me on the back of the head when i thought "Hey! that's a great idea a whole TT!. I would have knocked the crap out of me tied me up and not allowed me to go!!!!!!!!!!!!and said are you STOOOOPID!!! lol

Well, I did it November 12, 2012 at 7:30 a.m. All I can say is ..............THE WORST PAIN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! I seriously would NEVER wish this on my worst enemy!!!!!!!! NO seriously.......You need to tell everyone you know!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea of the pain! WHy did no one mention this on the internet?

I stayed for a 24 observation and then I was due to go home.............

THEN IT HAPPENED!!!

Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:45 a.m............I have two drains coming out of me for blood to drain. the one on the left filled up...............they emptied it.............it filled up again............they emptied it..... I don't feel right.. I say........When do you get worried about this, cause I am worried now.............it fills up , they emptied it....They have been having problems already keeping my blood pressure up from taking pain medicine...............Shift change.............New nurse, new tech..............the drain fills up, they empty it, it fills up.. Again I ask the new nurse.. when do you get worried...........She seems to be concerned and she says she is going to go call the doctor, she leaves the tech in the room with me to again empty the drain.........She cant seem to empty it cause of a clot, she calls the nurse on the phone........

This next part I guess is my death experience............maybe it did not happen like they say because I didn't think I was dying......, I had no life flashing before my eyes, no white light. Although I woulda loved to see Jesus for just a second.= ) Where the heck was my beautiful angel coming to talk to me or my grandma who I miss so much or grandpa who is the best man who ever lived to me! Dangit!!!!!!!!!

Ok, well here is what really happened............... Tech is emptying the drain........I tell her I dont feel right...................I kicked off blankets................I tell her my head is on fire, sweat is pouring off my body, i raised my hand and realized sweat was running off my fingers.............then I lost my vision.. I yelled.. I cant see!!!!!!!!!!! The very next second I am paralyzed, I could not move my arms or legs............Now my words are gibberish...............I cant understand what I am saying..............

AND THEN NOTHING.............

I am not sure how long this nothing lasted, but some were in there Jesus decided it was not my time, I woke up with 20 or 30 people in my room yelling my name! I was so confused, I tried to get up to take Samarra to school.. I do remember that.................. I remember them asking me where I was, the date, the year, my name..........And then I remember being so tired like i had not slept in years and nothing i could do was going to help, i had to sleep so i decided to ignore them and sleep.................they apparently did not like this....................... someone gently slapped my face and people started yellin my name again...... I remember vomiting now.............OMG PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! That helped for like a second.

I don't remember being transferred to ICU but I remember the awesome nurse Autumn who took care of me...I remember people acting like this was an emergency.......I remember thinking this is like watching a TV show and I wonder whats going on...Not until later when Autumn spoke with me did I realize how serious it was.. She looked at me after they stabilized me and said you look so much better now!!!.........I then found out that a code had been called on me from loosing too much blood.

My last blood pressure before I had none was 30/15...........I had lost over 2 liters of blood.........THAT IS A WHOLE 2 liter of soda plus some!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up getting two plasma transfusions and two blood transfusions and lots of fluid to replenish what I lost.

Here it is a month to the day of surgery and I am still bleeding, I am still hurting and I am not being able to perform all my regular duties as a mother. Although I am back to doing a lot of it. I am scared cuz i have to go to the doctor tomorrow for him to put a needle in and drain the blood out.............UGGGGGGGGG Why can I just get a live in vampire, at least then i could be a vampire and i wouldn't die! lolol

So here is the breakdown for you.....................LOVE YOUR BODY the way you are!!!!!!

I have had so many emotional roller coasters since this has happened. I cant believe I PAID for my own death!!!! I am scared of just dying now, not of the death part, but of what i leave behind, my girls........ How could I be so shallow as to get a TT and leave my babies for my mother to care for! My mom has been the angel she is and has taken care of them almost 24/7 since Nov 12 of this year. Hey That is why I did not see angels when I died, cuz I get to see one every day I am alive!!! Cool...

I write this to you but I wrote it with out much thought, if i think about it too much I cant handle the emotion behind it. It is too much......... I am not sure but I think it has caused a bit of a trauma response mentally in me....... No, I cant say I have changed much.. I am still happy and smiling Darla, but the smile is fake a little sometimes right now..............I want that part to go away!!!!!!!!!!!

My family and my sub-human have been awesome! I love them so much!! I also have something rare in my job... The people at my job have been so sweet, and not because they have to, cuz they really care about me and I can feel it................I love working for them!!!!!!!!

I can tell you this much.. Me dying did NOTHING to help my progress with Samarra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT can you blame her??? My poor baby did not know how to respond.. school went crazy, attitude, and emotions and anger was off the chart!!!!!!!!!!!! It gets so confusing................It is my fault really...but you cant alow her to disrespect or be mean or violent at school or to her sister............

I wished I could go back in time and say no.............but i cant so i have already started the process of trying to help her come back............She is also scared to death because she has surgery on Dec. 19 to get her tonsils out...........She has not says she is scared, but she is talking about it and asking questions to us and teacher MULTIPLE times a day........which tells me she is fixared on it........ She did mention dying.......

She doesnt show the correct emotion..............Even with me, she said you died. (We did not tell her, she overheard it).........I asked her if that was upsetting to her.. she said "WHy would it?? You would be dead and maybe then i could get McDonald's every day like i want.............. Isn't that awesome!!! lololol She says, I mean i guess i would miss you sometimes, but you do look pretty bad right now. Don't you just love the honesty!! lolol

I know she loves me and i know she was upset, she just doesn't show it the same.

ANYWAY so I am sitting at home still bored out of my freekin mind. Yes, my OCD has made me clean a little. AMAZING how you can find ways to clean to not hurt yourself.. I LOVE my grabber thing... lol

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and did I mention you CAN NOT take a shower as long as the drain tubes are in????????????? Yea so I only got those out 6 days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I did not get to shower for 6 days shy of a month! I have on a pressure suit that i can not take off for anything....... not anything..................yes it accommodates me needing to go to the restroom. You have no idea how often i am cleaning myself cuz i just cant get clean i don't feel. lol

So, I am going to quit WOO is MEEing........... It is over, I am alive, I have to quit bleeding sometime, and no i am not happy I have scars, but i am blessed........ i have my babies, family and a job.

THANK YOUs now.

Thank you to all who sent me emails asking why I stopped writing and checking on me!!!!!! I am back, maybe slow but I am here....

THank you to EVERYONE who gives plasma and gives blood, with out you, I would not be here. The doctor said for sure if i had went home or they did not have blood, i would be dead!!

Thank you to everyone who has helped mom during this time.

Thank yu to my sister Debbi for being Samarra's taxi!!!!!!!!!!! Love you.

Ok, I am out of here for now, feels good to be back!!!!

STAY TUNED for how Samarra has handled this and our struggles to get back!!! I have some pics for ya, one of them is the same day I coded... yea i had to do it...