Aspergers Mommy

My photo
Well I am a mom of two wonderful kids that I have been blessed with!!! I am not a psychiatrist, or a doctor so anything I say is not the answer to all, it might not even be the right thing for me!! lol I do my best with who and what I have to overcome any challenge with lots and lots of prayer,my mom who is God given just to me for this very reason, my sisters, and friends! I love life, mostly positive........BUT I am insane at times, get to the point of wanting to explode! lol.. I sing kids songs way too much! Did I mention I am OCD when it comes to cleaning. Which believe it or not I think is what keeps me sane. When I clean, I love it. Breakdowns, crying, talking, just all seem to be ok as I clean..Thank God for OCD!!!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Aspergers...ODD.... SSSHHH !!! Dont let Samarra hear you!! Feb. 24, 2012

Happy Friday!!! 

As I do the happy Friday dance.....   Yes, I really do stupid dances around my house= )


Don't tell Samarra, but this week has been pretty good!!!!! 

HALLELUJAH !!! HALLELUJAH !!!HALLELUJAH !!!  LOLOL I can keep going if you would like  lol  That song I believe is ongoing forever...........lolol .....But you get the jest...  HALLELUJAH!!!!!!  = )

Like, at times like these I want to just drop to the ground and just cry........WHY??? Cause I feel kind of like I have finally done something right..........OK< OK.. I did nothing different actually, but I think the angels came down and did something to intervene to give me a break or something for realz!!  BUT I want to think it was me by God............lolol .........Sooooo I am going to have my own praise party!  Go momma Go momma!!!

We of course did deal with normal Samarra things and I would like to think we make progress.......I still have 11 years before she might be on her own.. so small steps are good....

We are working still on emotions.. lol and she has started asking me what emotions I had at work that day every day.. which is good because it is teaching her that emotions are normal and like the therapist said I am focusing on not just positive I will give one of each..........

WHO KNEW we had so many different emotions in one day!!  NO Wonder she is all freaked out and doesn't want to deal with them or deals with them in the wrong way!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Whew it is not easy being human!!!!!!!!  lololol See I still say being a zombie is great.. I am pretty sure they have one emotion..........HUNGER........ok, so it is for human flesh, but still  LOLOLOL  Why am I such a dork......

Anyway!!!  We went to the dentist this week and this is usually a complete nightmare and i usually refuse to take her, but her daddy couldn't this week..........So mommy had to= (.........I was a nervous wreck!!!!!! Samarra was a nervous wreck..........I had very high anxiety, i thought quite a few times......"I cant do this." See the last time I did, i got kicked in the face, the dentist almost got knocked out, ALL personnel has to be on duty and ready to hold her down and I keep expecting them to dismiss us as patients........Did I mention this is just to look at her teeth????????????????????

OH no to clean them or do anything  we actually have to sedate her!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That just seems so extreme!!!!! We actually had to schedule surgery at the hospital and her be put completely under to have some work done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       And like everything else, once they stop touching her, it just stops and she will look at me and say.. "DID I DO A GOOD JOB?"      UMMMMMMMMMMM  what am I suppose to answer to that?????  I don't want to yell at her, I don't want her to think she is bad. She obviously somehow thinks she did good...................................CONFUSION is the name of the game sometimes......

Well this time she got a bit aggressive to wear the Assistant had to grab her arm and hold her in place and request assistant from another, and she did try to bite, but that's it.......the dentist looked at her teeth and she was perfect!!!!!!! YAY!!!!  I took her to sonic like I said i would even though I KNEW my body would feel like i just put a live volcano inside of me with even one bite of it......... Why the heck does sonic food feel like it just is chillin in my stomach for DAYS just tearing holes in me from the inside out...AND that was just with a couple tator tots!!  uggg

OOPS...........When I said that a thought came to mind, and those of you who know me........KNOW.......I say what i think almost ALWAYS.......and I feel the need.. the need to speak.... OMGosh I am so dumb lol See how my brain works... I think my stupid thoughts keep me sane actually.... Takes the serious out..

OK, I am only human..........I am not perfect..........Samarra is NOT like your child.....She does NOT "catch" on to things like another child.......Please DON'T judge my parenting skills........DON'T tell me what "I should do". Don't treat my daughter differently because you think she is a bad child..

I feel a little bit better now, I only thought it cause I have experienced that a bit this week and it was meant with all care for me, but our situation changes almost daily....we work on one things and another shows up........these things to her are not learned over night..........When I was a child.. I would do something, my mother would punish me and I would not do a lot of the stuff ever again cause I did not want to get in trouble like that again.. Samarra does not associate all actions with consequences and I don't even recognize some things as needing consequences......

Here is a little Samarra words for ya.... Kinda sad, kinda not, but kinda sad again..

Mother.... What?.........I am pretty sure that God created me to be a person of great importance..........Oh yea??.........Yea, cause it seems all the really important people who do great things for others aren't liked very well until they do whatever it is and die, then everyone loves them.......So I think that will be me when I am dead..

I just told her, that I know God has an awesome plan for her and that she has so many people that love her right now that she doesn't even have to wait!!!!!
And............. then she got all excited and started flopping around and jumping like a mad woman. and i just looked at her and thought..........OMGOSH lololololol

Oh did I tell you she thinks she is adopted.... I will elaborate on that next time!!!

Have a great safe weekend and I will be back next week with the continuation of the nsaneaspiemom saga.... lololol

Samarra and Grandpa at the restaurant Salt Grass

Samarra and Nanna.. at the same restaurant  lol

My cheezer weezer

UMMM , can you say minni me.. or him rather  lol???

This one is my minni me= )

Girls freeze dancing... lolol

Have a GREAT Day!!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Aspergers...ODD.... EMOTIONAL BINGO!!! Feb. 16, 2012

Happy Thursday!!! 
Day before pay day for me anyway= )

Yes, I am fully aware that it is not Friday, I just missed it so much and by me not writing every day, I don't have room in one blog post for all the brain matter leaking out of my head on to the page!!   EW.......That is a gross thought!!!  Sorry, but that is what I thought, so I wrote it.. I tend to do that  lolol

Anyway this week has been ALL over the place and it was not just cause of Samarra really, but baby girl got sick.. poor baby got strep and RSV at the same time and was not feeling well at all.... But even sick she is just one of the happiest babies= )

Actually with the baby sick Samarra has been more cooperative as to not get her to cry.. lol  Samarra freaks out when she does.

BUT................The death thoughts were alive and kicking.. lolol  get it death.. alive... OH never mind  lol I thought it was funny.. I crack myself up!!!  lolol

Samarra kept saying things like well it is too bad Siahna is going to die in her sleep tonight..............GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR  If you know me I was worried as all get out anyway and to hear that I was PISSED.......... but once again I got the calm hand of Jesus to wrap me up and threaten to squeeze me to death if I lashed out at her  lolol  I just told her that that was not nice and does she really want something like that.. Of course she said no.. but she just wanted to prepare me in case..............GEEEZE.. that still didn't help!!!!!!!!!   So she continued the next day with different scenarios of how she could die and This time there was not a hand of Jesus around me, but I didn't loose it  lolol  Go Momma Go Momma!!!!!!! I am so proud of me........... Well thank you me lolol 

I looked at her and said.........OK, now it is my turn to prepare you for something...........Say one more word about your sister like that and my hand will be meeting your butt............Do you want to talk about all the different scenarios of how that will happen????????????  She said no.... lolol wasn't much fun that way I guess.... lololol

So on to the EMOTIONAL BINGO.....When you read that put like a tunnel sound to it and let it echo.. it sounds so much cooler that way LOLOLOL

Anyway.. At therapy this week, we played emotional bingo, it was interesting to explore so many in an hour!!

I have said MANY times.. Samarra has a very hard time with emotions, even the positive ones.. perfect example in my last post.. the video of her getting excited...Well she avoids ALL emotional situations at all costs.. even something as simple as someone having a confrontation on tv.. like on a children's show like Max and Ruby...

Any confrontation, embarrassing thing, sad, excited, mad.... All of it, she covers her ears and rocks and hums till it is real life, she compensated by acting out, saying inappropriate things, jumping around, flaring about.. changing subjects.. she will even go so far as to get in trouble just to avoid something.

So the therapist had noticed that every time she is talking to Samarra and she is faced with an emotion she starts flopping around, covering her eyes, kicking her feet, sloping down on the copuch.. just a total disconnect form the whole situation and starts getting mean and angry when asked to stop. and says mean things.

Like yesterday she got mad at me when we were about to leave the therapist and she looked at me and slid her finger across her throat to say she was going to cut my throat.........OOPS Therapist saw it and called her out quick lol Even before I had a chance to!!!!!!!!!!! lolol She is like my mom with the "cheetah reactions".. BOY.. When i grew up like you could get in trouble and it be over and you be standing there wondering what happened sometimes........ lololol

But ...... The game was interesting, Samarra Love's games so she did ok, but the therapist used the time to really focus on Samarra and try to get her to engage in the conversation........Lets just say.........We made maybe 1% progress.. BUT HEY.. who am I to complain.. progress is progress... Most of the time consisted of Samarra staring off, getting up to just wonder off, focused on different things in the room, bouncing, clapping, kicking and no eye contact unless reminded... Then she decided to respond to all request by spelling all her words.. She is an amazing speller!!!

The therapist at one point asked if I had given her her medication .. .lol........

I am thinking I might buy that game.. not to play everyday, but once the therapist has used it and we have talked about all the different emotions just as a good reminder......

She is cute though this morning she said when we left after taking baby to moms house.. Siahna was extra needy today and was crying.. Samarra said.....And what emotion are you experiencing mom... lololol So I told her I had a few of them right then. sad, guilty for leaving....She said well I think it is funny....

I said Well now I am experiencing some anger.......

She says........maybe you should call Dr. Poyner, cause I am NOT helping you with that.. lololol But, she was thinking about an emotions. lololol

So this week was kinda up and down and I just really want all the sick to go away!!!!!!!!!!! Like I need to put my house in a bubble and walk around like a lab rat for like a week just sanitizing, then not let the kids out ever............OH wait bad idea, i will be in there with them.. IXNAY on that.. I will take my chances lololol

OH update, NO inappropriate kissing this past week!! YAY!!!

So most of the pictures are of Siahna this time, because Samarra was not wanting pictures this

OH and Happy Late Valentines Day!!!


Baby girl doing a breathing treatment...  she is an expert now!!

And again I say ...AWWWWWWWW

Poor baby after getting sick this morning= (

She is soooooooooo big, but yet.... So small....  aww
Have a great day!!!!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Aspergers...ODD.... Dont freak out when you see it! Feb.10, 2012

Happy Happy Friday!!!!!!

 I think it is so funny that every time I come in here to write on Friday which seems to be the norm now, I think of the saying from the movie "Friday" and I crack myself up........  It is like my own little crack up session, which I think makes me a little crazy..lololol

And the quote from the movie is: I'm gonna get you high today Craig... It's Friday......You aint got no job.......You aint got Sh*t to do!!!!!!    LOLOLOLOLOL  ...........Ok, so maybe it is only funny to me  lolol  (By the way, I don't say that word really). (Sorry mom and dad) = )

So this week flew by me like I was in a time warp!!!!!!!!!!  I am so geeky I kinda wished I could like on Star Trek.. LOVE IT!!!  It is so busy at the job this time of year, I loose time I think!!  If it was not for Margaret remembering things for me, I think I would forget everything!!!!!! Thanks Margaret!!! She is an awesome worker!!! = )

Things on the home front got better this week because Samarra decided the "star system" was back in play.... She was bound and determined to get to 50 stars to get McDonalds breakfast and take it to school.

Well............ SHE DID IT!!!!!  YEA!!!!!!!!

 So now comes the "Don't freak out" part..........So you know how I have told you that Samarra is extreme in all emotions........I NOW HAVE PROOF of one..........I have a video for you to watch, I recorded two of them, but watching the long one, even gets to me again so I am going to show you the short one and I already know your first question.........AND the answer is ... Yes, she is happy even though she looks like it may be something else...

So to set the scene............I just told her she got her 50th star and I would take her to McDonalds the next morning.... OK, here we go bad mommy confession time..........I have to admit this video bothers me in that I get kind of embarrassed= (    Even though I know she is happy, you can even hear Siahna laugh at her at the end of it.........But just for me to put it out there and others see how kind of "weird" it is.. makes me a little uncomfortable..........  ok......

Well what ya think????  NOW.................imagine that kind of response to anger, but add throwing, hitting, death threats or bodily harm to it and make it last anywhere from 5 to 20 min.....

So needless to say part of the week was great!!!

And then she got 50 stars and promptly decided to do NOTHING and the last couple days been World War III all over again...........I was totally not expecting it! Although I should have I suppose cause it was the same last time too.

But I was so unprepared........I didn't have my battle gear or brain on. So lets say I have been CRANKY.........I have snapped more times than usual.. I am like snap.. crackle... and pop.. all in one!!!!!!! LOLOL

Anyway, needless to say I am TIRED!!!!!!!!!!! And I am not ready for the after work Friday routine!!!!!!!!!! I should just give in and go out to eat with her so I dont have to have the "argument" or the crying, or the hate speech.....But then maybe it wont happen.. LETS ALL THINK POSITIVE....

Why I let myself get negative at times just amazes me...... I have a house.... I have food.........I have a job......... I have family........I have friends........What the heck is my problem?????? OK, back on track......... Thank you self, you are just what I needed.... lololol OK, maybe the talking to myself is a problem lololol

OH well.......You know I started the blog not thinking it would change my life at home, but help me see me in writing so I could vent a little and it does its job, so I will be back, hopefully more next week with the exciting life of an insane aspie mom= ) I really don't minding be seen as insane though honestly.. I never did like the go with the flow person... I think that is why Jalaine and I fit so well.....She is way off the grid and I am at times too! Somehow together we stay stable.......lolol one person in two....Hey maybe she got the memory part of me and I got the thinking twice before shooting part... lololol Love you Jalaine  = )

Here are some memories from this week= )

WHEW... my chunk is almost big as sissy!!!

She knows she is cute = )  Samarra doesn't like Siahna screams.. lol

 Have a super awesome insane day!!!!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Apergers>> ODD.....You are the best preserved!!!! LOLOLOL......AWWW Feb. 3, 2012

And Yet AGAIN... It's FRIDAY!!!

How in the HECK did a week fly by in front of me??? OH yes, I remember that I tried to forget it and I musta did a good job... lololol

Happy Birthday to me!!!  

Yup, i am one year older now.... I am not really into this getting older thing, as I am sure no one is unless it is a child under 21.. lol But I guess it is going to happen anyway..........soooooooo ..........OK bring it on... I will fight you with wrinkle cream, exfoliating and my all time favorite thing in the world that is not alive.......Cocoa butter!!!!!!! I love that stuff!!!!!

So a little catch up.....Went to the therapist this week and I have to say again she is so AWESOME!!!! I guess that is why she gets paid the big bucks!!! But I think I have told you that my insurance does NOT except that Samarra has anything wrong with her ............. 

Because you know autism and oppositional defiant disorder and such are ALL IN OUR MINDS YOU KNOW. Us parents just dream up issues for our kids so they can be miserable.....

ANYWAY......... She just loved Samarra so much and she thinks she is so smart and wanted to keep seeing her that she is letting us come for a VERY VERY discount rate and they don't even try to file insurance!

So the whole inappropriate kissing me thing.. I think is a thing of the past.. NOT one time since our visit... The doctor was so awesome in including Samarra in talking about it and yes some of it was VERY uncomfortable for Samarra that she fought back a bit with the leg kicking hands over the ears and trying to block us out but it worked!!!!!! She approaches Samarra as a child but a very intelligent one. And the conversation started with Samarra coming up with three things adults do that kids cant.....She says put stuff in the oven..... Go to work..........cross the street alone......... then went into that we see things on TV that are not real.. then we read this book that was about space and strangers and private things.. not just private parts. It was a huge success...

The therapist knows when she gets up and leaves the room for a minute that Samarra always comes to me and kisses me.. so she got up and left to see what Samarra would do.. She got up came to kiss me and went to kiss my neck and stopped and said... I almost did it again didn't I?? I said but you didn't.. and i am so proud of you!!!

On the home front well we are getting there.........Only one major issue this week and it was a big one, but the saying it gets worse before it gets better is true....

SOOOOOOOO do you want to know what caused it???  

How could I have ever been such a horrible mother!!!!!! And of course I did it on purpose!

She accidentally slept until 6:08 one morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMGosh breath ... yes I know this is sooooooooo horrible.. How could I have ever let such a thing happen to my sweet little child!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL

OK, I ma me it is nothing, to her it was everything a the time....But I just don't see how that can lead to the kicking and pure hatred and anger and food flying across the room and bodily harm threats...... sigh... Well as usual i just let it be...... and once she deals with whatever it is in her head she is dealing with goes away I knew things would be fine.....

And it was.... bout 20 min later she walked in talking about something completely unrelated and happy....... ?????????? Nope still cant explain it.....

You know when I was growing up and had questions about God, I was always told... You know there are just some things we will never truly know until we can ask him ourselves.... WELL I think autism and ODD and all those things are the same.. we will just never know..........Just learn how to deal and move on....... So that is what I do.. why sit back and question...... Cause that is when my mind starts to wonder to far and before I know it I am questioning me.............. thinking about burritos,............. thinking about work, ................thinking about her in the Siahna............something really random.........something really VERY weird......Siahna............. LOLOLOL  

Yes my mind really does work like that ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!

I actually sleep with the TV on but no sound just the closed caption so i read it.. then I don't think and I fall asleep quick lololol Ok, I admit, she probably gets all of it from me.. = ( lolol

OK, I have to finish getting ready for work.. but Samarra says the funniest things and this I had to share since it is my birthday and it was related...

Samarra - It's your birthday tomorrow.
Me - Yes it is
Samarra - I wonder how you will feel tomorrow knowing your a year older and not any smarter....
(LOLOL You have to laugh.. she doesn't mean it as a put down.. she simply is stating a fact).
Me - Well I did learn some things this year honey.
Samarra - What??
Me - I learned that your crazy!
Samarra - Mother, I might act crazy, but it is only to fit in with all of y'all!

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!! That is AWESOME I don't care who you are that is some of the finniest stuff I have heard....!!!!!!!!!

OK second.... AWWWWWWWW
Samarra - Well even though your not smarter, I look around and I think you are one of the best preserved moms I know.
Me - Preserved??
Samarra - Yeah your pretty..

LOLOLOL WOO HOO I got a compliment!!!!

My Birthday picture= )

My girls playing together!!!!!!!!!!!!   lolol