Aspergers Mommy

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Well I am a mom of two wonderful kids that I have been blessed with!!! I am not a psychiatrist, or a doctor so anything I say is not the answer to all, it might not even be the right thing for me!! lol I do my best with who and what I have to overcome any challenge with lots and lots of prayer,my mom who is God given just to me for this very reason, my sisters, and friends! I love life, mostly positive........BUT I am insane at times, get to the point of wanting to explode! lol.. I sing kids songs way too much! Did I mention I am OCD when it comes to cleaning. Which believe it or not I think is what keeps me sane. When I clean, I love it. Breakdowns, crying, talking, just all seem to be ok as I clean..Thank God for OCD!!!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Aspergers...ODD...Why OH Why do i make stupid decisions!!! Oct.26, 2012

Happy Freakin COLD Friday!!!


OK, and yet again, I DID TRY to post last week, but i could not get logged in!!!!!!!!!! So thank you for all of those of you who made sure I, we were ok= ) I never thought in a million years that my words were addictive  lolol Thank you for those of you who read my blog and send me email on suggestions! I got an awesome email from a wonderful girl who also has aspergers and is older. I really wished I had someone who is close and could maybe be a "Big Sister" for Samarra.

So where do I begin!!!!!!  Two weeks worth.. that cant happen or you would be here all day!!!!!!! I can say that in the whole realm of things............Not too bad... I guess I shouldn't say "bad" really, cause my life is not ever BAD, just challenging, stressful, mind numbing  lolol But, I am happy because that is my choice! = ) Also there are some very special people in my life who make it easy to be happy!!! And I love y'all!

I did however make a HUGE HUGE mistake last weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I even thought about it before I said yes!!! I also thought to myself, ok I will let her do this, I know it will cause issues but i decided i would deal with them.............

GUESS WHAT I DID NOT THINK OF????????????? Did you guess???  Yes, I only thought of me......I NEVER even thought how hard it would be on Samarra, even though she wanted to do it....... That is not the way I should have been thinking..........What the heck is wrong with me!!!

So here is the story........Samarra's cousin was over for a sleep over. Samarra at first was still going to sleep in her bed, but then last minute they decided to camp out in the living room.......Sounds fun huh!!!!  I thought well ok, that does sound fun and she wants it so much...........So like i said I thought it out for a moment and I said yes and proceeded to get a bunch of blankies and pillows and I must say I created the BEST blanky pillow mountain I think EVER!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank youy.. Thank you... (Takes a bow)lololol I SOOOOOOOOO wanted to jump off the couch and land on it, but i didnt in fear my old butt would break a hip or something  lolol But the girls had fun doing it.

Yes, i let them jump off the couch........That old thing would fall in pieces if i pulled it away from the wall for real!!!!!!!!  NO new things in my house until kids are gone!!!!  = )

Ok, so the night goes off well, got up got girls ready for church and off we went, went to eat came home finished the day off and about 5:30 Samarra starts..............There is only 3.5 hours until time for bed.........I am scared I cant do it..........AND IT WAS ON.......

(BACKGROUND ON THIS: Samarra has only been sleeping in her bed for about maybe 5 months now. She always slept on the couch because she can see my room and is centralized in the house. For some reason this gives her comfort..Well, for years I have put off dealing with her sleeping in this amazing bed she has.. it has real stairs a desk shelves, and a play area under it with a full bookshelf under there too! But the therapist said it was time.... So i did it, it was so BAD for about almost a month I think but we finally got it to where it was ok.)

Back to the story FYI... lol  So I PROMISE this child was coming to tell me almost every minute that passed and with every minute her anxiety level grew and grew!!!!!!!  I have a lot of people tell me I am patient, but I am telling you there was a divine intervention this night in my house!!!!!!!   

(Read this and think of angel music, whatever that is.. lol) AND THE HEAVENS SPLIT OPEN and down flew five angels this night one for each arm, one for each leg and one to shut my mouth.......lololol The angel light did make me look quite radiant though  lololol I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, wow for such a rough day, I look pretty good  lololol  ANYWAY.....Why do i venture off in my thoughts like that!!!!  GRRRRR ............

Sooooooooo again....I was so on edge i think I coulda snapped any moment.........ONLY thing i did, is once I told her, i am shutting my door and if you even touch my door to open it, you will loose your privileges to the computer all week..................Of course I used the MOMMY DEATH STARE..............and lowered my voice and looked at her and said............DO IT.. I dare you!   LOLOL  That is so grown up of me isn't it  lolol

SO i stayed in the room for like five minutes I think and then i was ready again....... So anyway time for bed and as I expected......................Crying, screaming kicking, hyperventilating, She acted as though i was sending her to her death!!!!!!!!!!  Rocking in her bed, has the blanket to her mouth screaming.. at least it muffled it!!  The whole time Siahna is sayin.. Sissy STOP IT!!!  Momma woop her!!!   lololol

And as always if I engage her 1. Dangerous for me. 2. It gets worse, I had to walk away........ This went on for about an hour and it finally stopped....Siahna was asleep during it!!!  WOW.. I sure was not, i was stuck like glue to the monitor camera I have in there to make sure girls are ok!!!!!!!!!  Well this went on ALL week a little less each night until last night!  Went to bed just fine!  I wanted to just start singing HALLELUJAH!!!!!! As loud as i could but then the kids would wake up! This must have been because the angels left and doesnt it always seem as if you see angels flying up there is some kind of hallelujah song????  Well maybe I just think this cause now i can not think of where I saw this or if i have.. lolol OH WELL.Must have seen it on Darlavision.... lolololol

OH GUESS WHAT????  Her cousins will be here tonight again.. GUESS WHERE Samarra will be sleeping even if she begs!!!  lolol  Yup.. the bed!!!!!!!!

WOW that was a long story!!! Sorry  lolol Try living it!  lololol

Only other thing this week was she has went back to talking like a baby sometimes and WONT allow me out of the room she is in!!!!!!!! I LIKE GOING TO THE BATHROOM ALONE!!!!!!!!  Oh and I love the questions while in there.. What are you doing... UMMMM going to the restroom...... lolol .......

Remember the death thing.. yea, still around... She was upset one day thinking about going to bed and she asked if she could watch a show she saw was coming on, "The Walking Dead" I actually watch it and LOVE IT!!!!!!  I told her no way!!  She said well at least there would be blood and people dying and stuff and it would make me happy...............WHAT???  Does anyone else find this to be odd???  Maybe a bit scary??? Concerned???  I guess I shouldn't, she does have Antie Jalaine in her some I think...... So maybe it is normal  lololol  Love you Jalaine= )

OK last thing I SWEAR!!!  Samarra had her last football game and of course as usual i was a nervous wreck!!! But, she had a blast!!!  About half way in, i calmed down and ate a pretzel, candy and popcorn.. LOL that is called stress eating!!!!!!!!!!  OMG i felt horrible later!  But I did have fun.. lol I cried one time.......I got caught up in just watching her out there trying to do what the rest were doing and she was so happy with a smile and she waved at me, and at that moment i have to say I was one of the happiest mothers ever........I just cant explain it...was wonderful! 

Have a full weekend coming!!  Sama has a trip with the church tonight with her cousin, tomorrow going to the park for a fall festival, church on Sunday, shoppin for some warm shoes and of course as always MY OCD wont allow me to take a break and not clean everything in my house again! I will be glad to come back to work on Monday!!!

Oh just so everyone knows.. I am having a surgery on Nov. 12, I will probably not write that week, maybe a quick Im fine thing....At the moment, i am scared to death!!!!!!!!!!!!..I will spare the surgery photos i am going to try and get someone to take so i can see it  lol Is that grose???    lolol

I do have some videos of Samarra's Pom Pom performances for you!!! and some other random pics= )

Just FYI, the cheer videos get kind of loud, so prepare!!

Click on the below links

Her hair down.... still not showing how long it really is.. but it is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!  Love the brown out i did...  it did not show anything but i thot i needed to anyway...  lol


Her school picture  awwwwwwwww

Me in black and white.. kinda like it= )

And well not black and white  lol

Have a BOOtiful week!!!! 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Aspergers... ODD.... You want what??? LOL Oct. 12, 2012

Its Friday!!!

I say that like you don't know... LOL Although for some it is not according to their work schedule, but the calendar does say it is Friday sooo... lol

LOLOL.. just wait till you see me in them  !!!

Soooooo.. I am happy to report this week has been GREAT!!! We only had one, all-be-it MAJOR meltdown. There was only one!!!!!!! The rest of the time was just normal everyday dealings!!  WOO HOO!!!

Oh and on the situation where a person asked me to not bring Samarra to the event .... Well, we will be going this weekend and NOTHING else has been said to me about it.... I guess i made myself pretty clear and I did not even have to turn into crazy mom to do it!!  So my question is, how do I get over it now??  It happened, cant take it back and  I will NEVER forget. I guess this is one of those moments that I have to decide to forgive and get past it or decide i am done..........

So I have already forgiven them because it is not good to walk around with anger, that makes for an unhappy life AND it causes wrinkles.. WHICH by the way I SWEAR i got some !!!!!!!!! ( I really dont swear) I may be more mad about that!!!!!!!!  lololol   OK, not really more mad, but i did get a wrinkle... But yes I did forgive, but I haven't put it behind me so did I really forgive yet???  PONDERING..............

So moving forward.. lol  This is so funny to me and maybe it shouldn't be...............THE MELTDOWN......Da Da DUMMMM.... LOLOL......As always we are great, watching Wheel of Fortune like we always do.. Smarra thinks this is VERY important to our day!!!!!! And it gets over and all is happy in the Lindauer home.........I THOUGHT...........Out of no where Samarra get mad...........She is crying and yelling and on the couch which is where she usually goes or to her bed..............SHE WANTS A BROTHER!!!    OK, So at this point this is an IMPOSSIBLE request!.....I tell her NO can do.................She yells "you could if you wanted too" I say.. No honey I cant even if i wanted too.................Oh did I mention she wants an OLDER brother??? I tell her I would have had to have him before silly..................I am not silly, this is not right. other people have big brothers and I want one..............Honey.. I cant.............Well ADOPT one for me!!  LOLOL well this is the time I bow out of the conversation.. She continues on with i just dont understand and how statistically (where she gets her statistics from I dont know?) That younger girls are better with older brothers....... WHO KNEW?? And once again I am being blamed for this.. Again How can I be such a cruel mother!!!!!!!  lolol

Well, i found this to be so ridiculous and funny i was cracking up in the middle of it and she did not like that at all which made it worse so that is my fault and that is when the throwing started and the kicking and the danger to go near began... I just left= )  And as usual, like a light being turned off, it was done and no more has been said......

So although it was a meltdown I found it to be quite humorous for me anyway............Yes, I get that it was important to her!  But still NO can do!!  = )

The only other thing this past week is, we had Siahna's 3rd birthday party....AWWWWWWWW.....So of course I decorated for it and prepared things...........THE WHOLE TIME I was letting Samarra help me and she kept saying.........This is not how you do this, you didn't do this for mine........We are suppose to decorate it the same.........You love her more, I like this better..........We need to make it just like mine...........this is not right..........Oh, she gets a cake and i had cup cakes............So she is going behind me changing things!!!!  GRRRR.. well so it ended up being almost the same as hers with a few minor details....  CRAZY CHILD  lolol

So I would say this week was an amazing success!!!!!!!!!!  Mommy confession time..........Why cant I just except it was good and move on......Why am i scared of what is going to happen next week because this one was good?????  I hate that!..........I am already dreading the Friday night fight with her about going out to eat and actually it did not happen the last two weeks after years of it happening..... Surely I am not the only one who prepares for the worst....

I sometimes forget how intelligent she is..........We were talking about donuts and in my sentence i said 24 donuts instead of 2 dozen because I am talking to her and 8 year Samarra says...... WOW...You would think with how old you are you would know it is 2 dozen mom!... lololol  I said well honey I did not know if you knew that.. She says. I know more than you.  I know ...... and she starts rattling off things related to donuts and counting.. lol  OH speaking of counting the counting is back!!!!!!!!! DON'T SAY second, minute, hour, or day, or anything specific or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!  lol.

You know i realized something this me stupid but i just realized that unless Samarra is over excited, over mad, or in a meltdown, she NEVER has any sign of emotion on her face unless prompted to................Just an interesting observation. Siahna is soooooooooooooooooo animated !!!!!!!!!!!! Samarra still asks me if I am happy or sad, she has a hard time knowing unless i go to extremes....

Here we are this week ENJOY!!

ARRRRGGGGG.. but this is real pretty actually to me= )

Sissy's shoes, lookin fine  lolol

LOOK!!!!!!!!  She has clothes on!!!!!!!!!  And of course her glasses!

She got a little shy and was looking at Samarra for guidance  awwwww

Sub-Human Jalaine and her daughter Jessie.. Beautiful!

That hair looks RED!!!

Umm, Guess I have nothing to say here...

LOLOL, I walked up to Aaron and said... I think i need to getmy eyes checked.... things seem to be blurry and i dont know why.. He looks up at me at this moment and bout falls out laughing , he says.. You sre SOOOOOOOO Stooooopid!!.. There is something wrong with you.. LOLOLOL

Present # 1...

And a second... There was more, but do you really need pics of all of it???  lol

I be a pirate!  awww

Party decorations.. part of it anyway= )
Have an Awesome week!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Aspergers...ODD...Can I say... WOO HOO for at least 3 days?!!! Oct. 5, 2012

Happy Almost Weekend!!!

So, today I am going to start with something that has been bothering me.. OK that is an understatement! I am MADDER than heck!!! I try not to write things that involve other people as it is not my place nor is this the place to speak of others........So, no names....

I am in a situation right now.. well really I am not cause as you may know me, this is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!
There is an event coming up where I have been asked to NOT have Samarra there!!!!!!!!!!!! Siahna, ok, Samarra no..... OK don't you feel your blood boiling right at this very moment?????????????  Me too!!!!!

It is one of those moments that you have to make an internal decision FAST on how you react to this situation....Well, You will be proud of me in that I did not loose my mind........ I was an adult about it and listened to the concerns, then i reacted.  GO ME GO ME.

So the reason............Samarra has a tendency to attach on to people, new ones especially! She pretty much invades their space, bombards them with questions, usually very personal questions you don't ask people on meeting them or maybe ever. Makes comments you should never make ever, well unless sit is me and Jalaine. lol we don't care what each other says  lol BUT....!!! She likes to hug a lot, she likes to be their main focus. She will bring up things that don't relate to anything that is being talked about or going on.. You know the random thoughts that don't go with anything really. She likes to sit real close to them, stair at them. Ask them to play with her.. Even if it is a grown man......

YES, this is my daughter........... Yes, I have worked hard at controlling some of these things and she is doing very well!!!!! An example when she hugs someone she has to say 1..2.. then let go. before she wouldn't let go unless i physically detached her from them.........SEE PROGRESS!!   When I ask her not to she gets upset sometimes, but she gets over it. So, there you have it.. those are the reasons.....Samarra has an amazing ability to make people feel very uncomfortable! I have actually sat back at family functions and seen her do these things and even in that setting i get uncomfortable for the person. Yea, I remind her then too, but I think family should just get over it.. lolol

So you ready for my response? Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How bout I tell you what I wanted to react like.... lol It is way more fun!!!
I wished at that moment I could bring on the exorcist look and let my head spin around and my voice go real deep and fire shoot out my eyes and say................... HELL NO, SHE WILL be there! And I don't give a CRAP about anyone who may be there and if they don't like it I don't care either.. AND HOW DARE YOU ask me that!!! YOU SHALLOW MINDED SELF CENTERED %$#%^&**@#(*@&W#*@^*.....  I wouldn't really cuss ya know..lololol........ But it felt good writing it!  lololol If you are embarrassed of her and more worried about what others think then you have the problem!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALK AWAY and never speak to them again!

But OK, i did not, I did the mature grown up nice version my mom brought me up to be like and I basically said the same things, but i also added that I always watch her and I do my best to not make anyone uncomfortable!!!!!!!! I know I am in the right on this.........And you know what???  The people there 9 times out of 10 will not care at all..........I don't walk around and announce that Samarra has some challenges, but ya know sometimes it is better to just let them know......... I have decided we WILL be there no matter what at this point  lololol

OK lets be happy shall we.. It's Friday.........And like I said even with the negative, we still have a choice.. so lets be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!  *BIG CHEESE GRIN*

Last Friday we went to Samarra's Fall Festival at school and I have to say it was one of the better organized ones I have ever been to!!!  MY OCD LOVED IT!!  Usually I want to start takin charge!!  lol But this time we just played.. We won some cup cakes in the cake walk!!!!  YUMMY!!!  I think I ate 4 out of 10 of them  lol  OH WELL!

Then on Saturday The girls and I and their nanna and grandpa went to Chuckie Cheese!!! OH FUN!!  Actually is was not bad, get there early and we were almost the only ones there!!! It was kinda for Siahna's b-day, but kinda just because= )  Siahna said.. I DON'T like big Chuckie Cheese!! But i like pizza!  lolol

I got a cute video of Samarra and her cousin dancin with Chuckie Cheese and a REALLY boring video of the girls on a teacup spin ride  lolol= ) 

So update on the medicine increase.......We are still doing a LOT better!!!!!!!!!!! First three days.. a BREEZE! The fourth day.........I have no idea what happened but it was meltdown city at my house when it came time for bed..........AGAIN, she acted like someone was stabbing her to death and screaming and yelling for me not to leave her...And all up in the corner covering her head.....I tried hard to figure out why and I couldn't!!!!!!!!!! The before I lost my mind i went in the room and i looked at everything in there and guess what???  Siahna had opened the window shade a little and there was a shine on the wall from it.......I shut it, she stopped..........She went to sleep...........

OK>> REALLY???????? See I would think it would be easier to just say......Will you close the blinds........ NO, that is not how it works............. Wish I knew how her mind worked.. It cant be easy......!!!

As far as her behavior it has been I would say normal.. she is 8, she is not going to be perfect! Last night was a mess for about an hour because i made different chicken, and she was refusing to eat it cause it was not the same........... It was the chicken from Blue and Gold, which is yummy FYI.. BUT it was new......HOW DARE I AS A MOTHER FORCE MY CHILD TO EAT DIFFERENT CHICKEN!  WHERE was  I raised to be such a monster!!!lolololol....But on a positive note she did not throw it across the room.. lolol I just walked away as usual to let her have her meltdown. Oh in about 30 min or so, i think longer it just stopped and she ate it.............  AGAIN I SAY WHY?????????

LOL, funny though Siahna says a few times.. MOM, Samarra needs a woopin!   lololololol

So, I would say the week was pretty good.....  I have Siahna's little party on Sunday this week, she is # YEARS OLD!!!.. I will take pics!!! She has said for months she wants a brown and pink birthday!
Well here we are!!!
SHE climbed up by herself this year!!!!!!!!!! Been workin on those muscles!!!

The moment i get so excited and hope they are being nice!!!

Took her a few to climb up, I kept seeing her head pop up and her sayin I cant get up!!!  lololol

Yea, Siahna was NOT havin any part of stickin her arm up the nose for a prize!!

YAY!! Our cake walk winnings!!!  Yea, iIate 4!!! Not on one day though.

I decided to put them in Chuckie Cheese jail  lol 

I think i look like clay in this one??

Smooth and yellow looking  lol

DOA!!  She stopped breathing in her sleep... Samarra informed me... lol I did good on her though!

First Chuckie Cheese game for Siahna!

Samarra went right in  lolol

This is boring mom.. lol

Waiting for the cake walk.. if she knew we would win cup cakes,, she would be a lot happier  lololol
Have an awesome week!!!