Aspergers Mommy

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Well I am a mom of two wonderful kids that I have been blessed with!!! I am not a psychiatrist, or a doctor so anything I say is not the answer to all, it might not even be the right thing for me!! lol I do my best with who and what I have to overcome any challenge with lots and lots of prayer,my mom who is God given just to me for this very reason, my sisters, and friends! I love life, mostly positive........BUT I am insane at times, get to the point of wanting to explode! lol.. I sing kids songs way too much! Did I mention I am OCD when it comes to cleaning. Which believe it or not I think is what keeps me sane. When I clean, I love it. Breakdowns, crying, talking, just all seem to be ok as I clean..Thank God for OCD!!!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Aspergers.......The DENTIST update!!! Dancing and tubes! June 30, 2011


Ok so I am sure you are all wondering how the dentist went...........SOOOOOOOOO here it is...
So the picture is before anything= )    Ok so here is what she had done....... Teeth brushes and ONE tooth looked at............ YUP that's it.

OK so a brief history lesson on why this goes the way it does.. Remember she does not like laying backwards, and she has a HUGE sensitivity to anything  being put in her mouth. PLUS I believe her anxiety level is high like me actually.. I don't like going either!!!!!!!

So she starts with the brushing... She is real good with Samarra... kind, but direct, bribes with stickers and toys....  SOOOOOO two times vomiting, kicking, wailing about, crying screaming, biting later teeth are brushed..... Now tooth has to be looked at, it is in the front... this should be easy.......... NOPE........  Another vomiting session, wont open mouth, kicking , screaming, repeating the words no, no no no no no no no , covering ears and rocking in the chair.. now the doctor comes over and he is real good, although did not calm her down was able to open her mouth with out getting knocked out and was able to see the tooth and we are done.................................... Samarra gets up and says.. I did good huh mommy........  I was brave............  I get three stickers and two toys................

WOW.............I wanted to say....... Heck no you didn't!!!!!!!!!  but i said yes honey I think you did as good as you have so far... which is true actually....  lol

OK, My turn.....So I am sure you would like to hear about kids, but the next paragraphs will be about me!!! This whole thing is about her, but it is also about me!!! I was so stressed out..............Mother instincts wanted me to grab her and leave and beat up the nurses and doctor, but the smart part6 knows she has to get looked at or it could cause her pain.......I try to understand how brushing teeth is so traumatic........... I am not an aspie, so I will never know until she is old enough to explain it well to me............ My heart is racing, my blood pressure went up, my head is pounding............I am waiting for them to throw us out any second and tell us to not come back.................. OMGosh, I hate it so bad......... I know she does too, BUT hers all stops like closing a door.........Mine stayed ALL DAY, I couldn't seem to break the headache............Now it wasn't so bad after a bit, but was still there nagging me all day!

I really want to know what to do to make this go smoother.............I feel like a horrible mom at times, even though I know I am not............. I just want her to be happy and stress free, anxiety free....  I can only imagine her blood pressure when she gets older!!!!!!!

Ok so I went to pick her up at moms later and the girls were all dressed up in dance costumes............AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW  pretending to dance, it was so cute....

Cute Cute.... Changed clothes and it is like the CUTE just melted away!!!  LOLOLOL......... I know shame on me as a mom saying that..HA............You weren't there don't judge  HAHA.....Samarra all of a sudden was determined she was leaving and i told her to wait and the debate started.........I cant even describe it, like she went in fast forward with determination and all the rest of us stayed at regular speed.........I am not even sure what she was saying, but i know I was saying NO!  I felt like the room was spinning with her words.........

Finally like I snapped, I dont think my head spun around or anything  lol, but i had to get loud a little.. and held up my hand and was like stop, she keeps going, i say it again....  Reminds me of a scene from the movie Austin Powers where Dr Evil was getting his son to be quiet...................  LOLOL  but i managed to get her to stop talking......... it was so BIZARRE!!!          She literally was talking too fast for my brain to comprehend............Of course I had taken some pain medicine for my head so maybe my world was in slow mo..............HAHAHAHAH

Ok off to home, guess what???? Home cooked meat on the grill again... kids ate good...  Steak, mac and cheese, mashed potato's, green beans, water.  WOO HOOO!!!!!!!

Can you guess what time it is?????????  HINT local 5................. Wheel of Fortune!!!!!!  Remember I said she watches it every  night= )

Elizabeth is over so the girls are now playing...  Yay!        UGGG so usually I have two follow me, now I have three................ OK so we dance a little, we play a little and now it is time for me to be alone for one minute, I sneak out the side door and go on back porch and realize my tree out there is really beautiful!!!  I don't know what it is, but i like it!

So I found out about a family thing that has my stress level up a bit, but want to say... for those who have issues come up with family..... LOVE and love unconditionally= )

Now back to work... Kids i mean... lol  They did pretty well all night which I was thankful for...........NEVER have all toys out at all times... rotate them!!!!!!!!  I did tonight and i got peace from it...

Here is the play tube!!

So that was our day.............. And I am thankful the night want good... I am sure my head would have started spinning if it had not lol

Happy Thursday to all!!!!!!!!

OH I haven't told her, but her Nanna is coming to pick her up at 530 today to spend the night with her!!!!   YAY!!!!!! Her Nanna is going to TRY and take her to a movie.. I will send headset with them.. Samarra wont care about movie, she will want food!  I will let ya know how that goes= )


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Aspergers, Operation and no sleep over...June 28, 2011

Happy Tuesday!!!

Ok, so why are their so many is rain........ I don't know how far in advance rain helps with burn bans and all the fireworks celebrations going on this weekend, but I sure hope it helps with no fires!!!

So Barbie update...........They are all naked again and seems to be their is one in each room.........I believe this is to make sure mom gets to see a naked barbie no matter where I go........lolol  Funniest thing about it, if i see one with messed up hair I stop and fix it.......... UGGG why am I so goofy, and even more.. Why does that bother me so bad??  HAHA  Must be the OCD, so I THINK, not sure but I believe all the barbies now have braids  lolol

Independence day was my absolute favorite holiday before Samarra, I have to say I miss the festivities a little bit.OH well.......I have something even better!  My babies!!!

So Elizabeth came over from moms when I got home so that recently has been better than it has went in the past. They have been playing like one is the mom and other is the daughter............... This is the funniest thing and kinda sad....... You know kids imitate what they know so I can hear Samarra talking like me when she is the mom and Elizabeth talks like I assume my sister when she is the mom. Well kids for whatever reason like to be the "PUNISHER" of bad attitudes......Why cant the focus on the positive  lolololol So here is a snipit of how this went.

Samarra is mom..... Daughter if you do that one more time you are going to be going in time out for a YEAR!!!!!!!!!   Try.. it see what happens................. go it again......    

LOLOLOL  That is so me, minus the YEAR part, but with her the words... "Do it again" has always worked..........  funny.

Elizabeth is mom.......Daughter if you don't stop that right NOW you are not going to be able to download any apps on your phone for a whole day!!!!!!! But if you are goign to have a meltdown, maybe you can have just one..........Samarra are you going to have a meltdown???

So it is quite funny how both perceive punishment in a different way.........Also funny that Elizabeth panicked even in play thinking Samarra might blow up   .........I guess not funny, but to me it is cause this is my life........lolol

So dinner was good, okra, chicken and green beans and potato's. Play time went good............AND THEN..........AND THEN........ Samarra was convinced she was leaving with Elizabeth because she did last week so much..........I told her it was not going to happen and kept letting her know.. but she was convinced she was........So we had the normal meltdown when Elizabeth left.........But honestly I think this one was a little less asperger and more being 6 and pushing me ..........I am learning a bit and she made eye contact with me...........If she is off in the asperger world there is NOT eye contact unless forced..........So when she looked at me I felt as though she was looking for a reaction from me, so i swooped in and got her to stop............

How you ask.. yes I tried letting her know things don't change from her reactions and she got mad.. still looking at me every once in a while..........I walked off and said come on Siahna lets get our snack............ OH guess what????  Samarra is up.....................  FAKE!

So we had snack and played a game.. Operation........... It is cute how kids hold their tongue a certain way to help them... lol But have you ever watched a woman put on makeup.. that is funny as heck  lolol

So the night went pretty good actually......... It is kind of funny, some of the things that I used to just get so upset about are not bothering me as much.. maybe it is because I know I will be putting it in this blog and I don't want anyone to think i have lost my mind......  LOLOLOL  I did warn you I am insane at times= )

I think I will include things with my little bully.........So Samarra has taught Siahna to throw and hit..........WELL she regrets it now, Siahna has a GOOD arm!!  So I am having to backtrack on this........I think it makes me the most mad, is cause Samarra thinks it is funny and she tells Siahna to come hit me and when she does she laughs so Siahna keeps doing it then she gets in trouble and Samarra as well and then Samarra doesn't get why she is in trouble...................... I just cant seem to concur this with Samarra, why does she think hurtful things are funny?????         Sigh.....  These things happen a lot in the night and I end up yelling or trying to explain and it doesn't work..........I don't like her hearing me be upset a lot.... But it seems to have ZERO effect on her............

HUGE day cant go....................I HAVE TO!!!       UGGGGGGGGGG i swore i would never go again................. everyone pray NOW.................She is going to hurt someone i can feel it, and it will probably be me!!! I will let you know... it is kind of sad, I am scared to go.. for me and her.. What if I hold her down wrong and hurt her, what if the anesthesia is too much and she stops breathing............  this is all for them to look at ONE tooth and maybe clean....... 

if this doesn't work it is back to surgery for us just to check her teeth...........Can they not have a dentist who specializes in autism and aspergers and get a better plan in place...............I can tell you right now, if she didn't have to lay down it would go 85% better!!!!!!!!! So the dentist has to stand or something............AND????????????  Anyway......... till tomorrow...

I will leave you with a cute pic of Siahna playing with her "Little People". She gets so serious with her play... lol she is funny...

Have a GREAT Tuesday!!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Aspergers Soccers over, Painted a shirt and RIBS!!!!!! June 27, 2011


OK can I start with........... It's HOT!

OMGosh, If I had not got insulation put in a few weeks back, we would all be dead! My heart goes to all those who can not afford air conditioning. They are stringer than I am for sure. It makes me want to just help everyone and I cant = (

I may not "like" everyone I meet, but I do have "a love" for all people. Even zombies... lol Ok, maybe not them.... lol

This weekend was pretty good... Friday night, I let samarra pick out her own little pizza and I got it for her so not drama.. She was a bit upset cause daddy went too far on the motorcycle and got too hot and was at her nanna's house trying to recover from the heat. She kept saying what are we going to do now that daddy is going to die...  I tried to tell her he wasn't, but I knew until he walked in the door, she wouldn't stop... So I kind of did the reverse and reassured her that IF something were to happen... We will make it cause we are strong girls.!  So that kept her from focusing on the bad= )   AM I GOOD OR WHAT???  HEY, I need a pat on the back.. this isn't easy!   lololol

Saturday morning was the last day for soccer= (  She loves it so much and I have met some awesome people! She thinks Cody is the most awesome person she has met. He is so sweet and I think he likes her too.. I talked to his mom and we are going to set something up for us to get together...  It is nice to know that she wont make fun of him and he wont make fun of her.... NO bullying! YEAH!!!

A quick note on "being different" Samarra knows people are different, but children who are not exposed don't know... Well at church on Sunday, the new "Life Church" in the old Heritage mall where Dilliard's used to be... Samarra saw her friend Sarah who is her BFF from therapy and she has down syndrome. Samarra was so excited and ran over and hugged her..(Sarah likes to hug) Elizabeth was there and she acted scared to death, she didn't want to be near her and told me later it was scary........ Well you know kids are kids and she didn't know any better... people do that to Samarra too, no ones fault.. just lack of education.. I hope my blog helps some people know= ) But I have to say, Samarra and Sarah are awesome together as well....

Ok, So after soccer, Samarra felt so proud of herself and kept asking if I was SOOOO proud of her and of course I was and am always anyway.. SO I made a snap decision to take the girls to Olive Garden to Celebrate for her.. I am not sure what the celebration is called  so it will be a "Just because" celebration  lol

So the waiter comes over and right away Samarra starts in on wanting bread sticks....  He was awesome with her, he got to hear about bread sticks about 15 times before he had even made it back with drinks he decided he better get the bread sticks  lol  and he brought like 10.... lololol  usually you get like 4.........   But was good times all the way after...

Ok now home.... I got all domestic and decided to let the girls paint shirts with puff paint..........I am always scared to try things like this with Samarra, it usually ends up VERY bad........... But I guess I get some hope we can do something together with out yelling............ So we start.. She gets frustrated VERY quick................DA da da da........ Mom superhero to the rescue!!!   OK, I am insane, but i did jump in and didn't help her with paint, she HATES help.. BUT I drew some things with a pen and let her do ALL the paint................. WHEW meltdown avoided..........Went well until Samarra finished and the baby grabbed it and pulled it off table which then "messed" it up........

MELTDOWN OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!  This one was bad bad.......... She screamed and kicked and yelled, destroyed her room........She was quite loud!   She is not really in "our world" when this happens. She has her own world.........She is screaming "the one thing in my life i did good and its messed up. I am worthless and now she ruined my art".......................  but not in full sentences, broke up from the meltdown........ I HATE it when she says these things!!!!!!  Like i want to cry!!!.......... BUT then saving grace... I got shirt and looked at it, and it looked cool........... like it was tie dyed.............. I yelled for Samarra to come in and look how awesome it looked............  She had to finish getting her emotions in check.. once she goes out so far, only she can bring herself back, if you try you WILL make it worse.. So about 20 minutes later, she walked out as if nothing happened and looked at shirt........... I did a good job huh mommy???  Yes you did and sissy helped you finish it huh?  She says yes, and kissed her sister...  WHEW made it and nothing broke.. FYI, I am contacting a socialization therapist today to help me with the DEATH and despair fixation she has... Mommies need help too= )

Here is the awesome shirt

So She went to her cousins right after this and was gone until after church on Sunday....  So Siahna and I cleaned a lot....  It is SOOOOO  hot we haven't went out.. and she loves laying in the kitchen floor on the cool ground...  AWWW

So on Sunday, daddy decided to smoke some ribs, so this is an all day thing. The girls, samarra's cousins also were so anxious it was the cutest thing...

Do you remember "back in the day" when we as kids used to get excited over little things....... maybe a trip to the store for one piece of candy, special trip to McDonald's one every few months or so.... A can of soda........... Well I remember it  cause i am old as dirt according to Samarra....   HAHAHAHAHA The girls were so excited about these ribs,  their reaction to it was just like before all the electronics came along. They wanted to smell it and just had glassy eyes when they FINALLY saw them...........They ate 4 ribs a piece, potato salad, green beans............. They were stuffed!!

Yes Samarra ate meat!!!!      It was an awesome experience for me to see............ here is some pics of it....

Had a couple more breakdowns  cause She spend the night at her cousins last Sunday night and she is not this week and because the house is hotter than normal...  YES, even temperature is not suppose to change in her world........ But I tried to tell her like mom did that meltdowns don't change the outcome........She didn't hear me, she is in Samarra land.......So i just ignore it...........YES I Know!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way into her world in a meltdown is getting her and forcing her to look me in the eyes........... SIGHHHHH   Well I don't want to be black and blue!

Ugg ok, now I feel guilty like someone is staring at me   LOLOLOL  ok I will TRY to do it more= )

You know what..........I love my life and my girls and it is the little things that make all the ewy things we go through not matter......... We have a choice to smile or not............. Like I try to teach Samarra.. does a meltdown change things???  Does a frown and depression help me???  NOPE  So don't worry .. Be happy.... LOLOL
Happy MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Aspergers Doctors, Time, and Puzzles...June 24

T.G.I.F. Happy Friday !!!

It's Friday, it's my payday, got to pay the bills today, and broke today!!!!!!!!  But I am still happy because I have a job, a family, a house and food........What more could we need= )

So last night was pretty awesome actually. A few time issues and anxiety of being alone, but otherwise was a smooth ride!

So let me say and I am sure you know.... I LOVE MY DAUGHTERS!!!  But seriously i can not walk from room to room with out both of them on my heels!! The baby, that makes sense to me, but Samarra has this really high anxiety right now that if I walk to another room, she is yelling for me to come back, or she jumps up and follows me. What are you doing, where are you going, how long will you be in here, where are you going after....... You don't know HOW hard I bite my tongue.. I want to say something like.. Oh I thought I would just hop on a plane and take off for a while.......... LOLOL  So it sounds funny to write, but it wouldn't go over well with her................. Remember, everything is literal, NO Joking.  She would freak out!

I then think I better enjoy it now cause one day she wont want to be around me...........Well I am not so sure that is true for her...........but I will just let it go... I cant imagine being so high anxiety all the time!!! I guess I wish i could use the restroom alone though  lolol

Last night time seemed to be an issue, she wanted to know specifics of how long it would take for me to do everything.Well you know how that goes.. Now my anxiety is up... I am like watching the clock to make sure I keep my word  lol.. But i really don't have to watch because I have my walking reminder of the time it is always....  I love hearing you have 1 min and so many seconds , or 10 min, 9, min, 8 min.........

So I also started working on telling her things but following it up with "it may not happen" but that is the plan right now.. ok... This is because she knew the plan today is water park with cousins....  Just in case I have been telling her A LOT it may not happen, but it is ok..........Just FYI, it will not cause her to NOT have a meltdown, but it will be smaller....

This is how serious it is.. If ANYONE says they will do something, in the meltdown she is usually screaming something like "They LIED". So for all those of you who interact with me, please don't do that...........I understand things change, and she has to learn things change, but lets try to not.. Thanks= )    It is funny, I talked to my dad yesterday and he said he had NO CLUE she does any of these things...

This is why no one knows or sees most of it.........................When you are around us, it is a major event for her, she is happy, she gets attention, there is nothing routine about where we are, or what we do..........No potential for a meltdown..........Her issues come in everyday life routines mostly and that happens with mommy and Mimi.

Samarra is the extreme with everything........She LOVES HARD, Gets More excited and most and cant handle it, she gets sad deeply, and can get hurt and frustrated more than probably anyone you know.

THAT is the biggest part Aspergers. it is not a disease, it is not an illness, it can not be is simply the inability handle emotions and act appropriate in different situations..... She will have to learn how to do this and she will have this issue for the rest of her life. This is why her social interactions are not great.

Ok, well class dismissed... lololol  Just a little lesson there....

So me and my puzzle skillz went to work last night also...  LOL  I remember doing puzzles with Grandpa for days! He would have those ones with like 1000 pieces......Very good memory for me...  So anyway, my skills jumped into a puzzle with 48 pieces last night    HAHAHAHA 

So let me remind you, Samarra goes on and on about something she wants, and puzzles was the thing last night. I get it all ready and we start, well guess what.. a few minutes later I am alone......... WHAT THE........ So I am not sure but I probably look quite pathetic sitting alone playing with barbies, puzzles, Mr. Potato head..........LOLOLOL  The funnier thing is, I am all into it........ I think I may need a therapist or something.......They would probably say, I didn't have a childhood or something.......  lol  OH well, just starting to play keeps Samarra happy and she knows where I am and what I am doing and in a way I think she is the MOST relaxed during this time. So whatever, I will be the best toy playing mom around.

Here is MY finished product of the puzzle. This is actually cool, this came with three separate puzzles to make one big picture......So I did the second one last night. The picture shows both of them though.

So the doctor thinks I need to get in with the social therapist and us both work on the death and dying and hurtful things that she seems to think of a lot. As I was trying to talk to the doctor Samarra went into a emotional meltdown.... this is different in that she doesn't want to hear, or cant handle the emotions behind what she hears.......I was talking about some of the things I have told you and it about sent her into tears.. she just kept repeating NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and had her hands to her ears and she did NOT want me saying what I was saying......... The doctor is good in that she is very calm and she was asking the perfect questions to get her to talk a LITTLE. She does NOT like hearing about bad things happening to anyone she knows...........she really shut down when I was talking and all I was doing was repeating things she had said to me...................

The doctor pointed out to me that she is in a constant state of anxiety of being alone, people around her dying and leaving her........Why we don't know.........But it causes her to think of all the possible things that could happen and she just doesn't know how to handle this. The doctor has Samarra draw a picture before she even sees us and Samarra had drawn a picture of me when I am old with a walker and when asked she said it is my mom and she is about to die.  

I should have asked for that one so I could hang it up on the refrigerator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    LOLOLOLOLOL

So I guess that was the day, no drama to speak of..........I have learned that I need to do some more reassurance for her, maybe one day she will know Her daddy and I and the family will NEVER leave her willingly and no matter what we will ALWAYS love her....  She always asks if I love her..

So Happy Friday!!!!!!!  and have an AWESOME weekend!!!!!

Here is another oldie but goodie for ya since I didn't really get the camera out a lot last night= )

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Aspergers Had a Great day with Mimi June 23, 2011

Good Morning!!!

Ok, so every time I write good morning I am thinking..... "Good Morning Vietnam" from the movie  lol Just FYI

So I woke up with a small headache... And it is NO BUENO...... I seriously wish someone would do a study on me... Headaches make me want my head removed! 

Ok, enough about me= ) I am sure you all are just dying with anticipation to see how telling Samarra she wasn't going to the mall went. Well it went as predicted. Mom said that Samarra was getting ready to go, picking out shoes and stuff and so mom finally just told her that they were not going to be able to go to the mall today...... Well I was not there so I cant describe the full reaction but mom said it immediately threw her into a meltdown rage. My mom is wonderful, she handles things so much better.

She also had an instant fix......  lol  She took her made her look her in the eyes and held her down and said you can keep doing this, or you can make it stop and we will go somewhere special instead.... Samarra continues.. not sure she even heard her.. Mom says it again I am sure louder and this time Samarra heard her and it stopped........ Of course one of her favorite places.......See if you can guess ............Popcorn and a drink....  If you guessed Target you would be right!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay you!!!

So mom took her to target and let her play in the toy section for a long time to see what she wanted to buy with the money I gave her........ She bought herself a root beer and a pretzel.. and still came home with change!  She had the most happy face when she got home, she said I would go out with Mimi any day over the mall!!!!!!!   YEA MOM!!!

So that set the night off great, she also was not hungry, so guess what I wasnt rushed for dinner!!! She came in and went to her computer and played games quite content.........I was so happy to see her happy...  I mentioned before she thrives on GO GO GO GO GO, but she will also expect it more more more more.......... But for today she is happy and i love seeing her happy.
 She is quite good at computer games, I have just heard that asperger children do not need to just sit alone on the computer a lot.. They need to learn how to daily interact even with us. But tonight is a happy night so, why drag interaction and frustration into it!!!   HEY, I need a break too!!!!!

Although this night was meltdown free, I allowed things that I dont usually do..... Computer all night, TV, a lot.... I would love to just come home and park the kids in front of tv and hand them a computer, but I just cant. What the heck happened to imagination where a piece of wood was a candy bar..........Kids played in the street.. we knew "game on and game off"  for cars coming....  Our kids these days expect too much if you ask me. So in that, I know I could have perfect nights with electronics babysitting, but I cant do that to my kids.  So I get frustration and meltdowns.......I am such a great mom!!!!!!   LOLOLOLOL

Ok so I walk in the room and here is Samarra's sister Siahna............
 So you know what I said to her which she doesn't understand... Move back your going to go blind... I had to laugh a bit on that one...........Did anyone ever REALLY go blind from sitting too close to the TV???  I am curious, cause I know I heard it enough growing up!!!   HAHAHA  Did anyone's face ever freeze in a ugly position they made.. I heard that one too....... hum.......LOLOLOL

We go to Dr Kukas today for a check up on how meds and therapy are doing... This is always fun.. update tomorrow= )

So i didnt have to make dinner really........... I let electronics babysit my kids..........I did clean..........But went to bed early.........

SOOOOOOOO Why do I feel like a ZOMBIE today???????????

Oh well I will drink triple espresso and hope for the best!!!

Have an AWESOME Thursday!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Aspergers Barbies, scary magnets, and two meltdowns June 22, 2011

Happy Wednesday!!!!!!!!

So the title pretty much says the blog, but I will add some more details to it...  I have been trying to NOT clean as much and play a bit more and I am making some AMAZING discoveries so I am going to help you parents out or anyone who has ever wondered about some things.

1. If you have girls and a lot of barbies, why are they always naked laying around the house??  Am I the only one who gets a little EW seeing these naked plastic people just in all positions around the house and constantly making sure none are out when people come over?????  I have solved the mystery!  We played barbies last night, well ok I did and just me being in room Samarra does her own thing, she doesn't play WITH me or US.  So here I am dressing barbies. It took me close to 20 minutes to get these skin tight clothes on these things!!!!!!!!  If it took me that long, no wonder they are naked all the time!!!!!!!!!!

Here are the dressed barbies.

Ok now on to another topic.... While I am "playing" I really get to play alone or with the baby as I mentioned. Samarra does not interact well with play things. But she spends her whole time worrying when I am going to get up.. If I move, she starts.. where are you going.. do you need a drink of water , I will get it so you will stay in here... She just sits there with apparently a high anxiety level and doesn't play... Well I am used to it.. Every once in a while she will come over and hug me and tell me she loves me and says she is so happy I am playing with them. OH well as long as she is happy. The baby gets loud playing at times so last night she had to get her headset out to stay in the room. She likes them pretty well, it has become more like a favorite blanky then a headset lol

Yes, you did see that all the blankets and pillows were out again= )

2. I played with, which I have to say is VERY CREAPY!!!!!!!! it is a magnet thing with faces you can put eyes and stuff on...... I might just have nightmares... Who came up with this??  Hey lets make the ugliest people we can and let kids play with them...........

So I really have to get up and do some things..... wait wait.. OK nice, she is ok with it...Whew... Now to get stuff picked up and maybe take a small break....

Meltdown # 1 I go outside, I sit down.........I think i will get a few quiet minutes......... NOPE....
Samarra is at the window BANGING ON IT..........What the??? the window is going to break. Remember I said if you give, she wants more??? Which makes you not want to give just because of that, but I do.. So here it goes.

Samarra: Banging on window motioning for me to come in
Me: Quit banging on window
Samarra: Come in, I want you to come in
Me:Honey I just stepped out here, i will be in in a moment!
Me:You cant count a moment, it isnt a second or a minute.
Samarra:Come in now, I need you in the house
Me:What do you need?
Samarra:Still hitting window hasn't stopped and waving for me to come in. You just need to come in now.
Me: I quit looking at her
Samarra: Looking very very frustrated and mad as ever still knocking on window and repeating come in now, come in, come in, come in, come in.
Me:See mayeb I am wrong, but should I HAVE to stay by her side, she does this when I go to the restroom sometimes, even if i am in there like 5 seconds.
Samarra: Banging on window
Me:Samarra Lindauer..... STOP
Samarra: Crying and all I can say is freaking out, stomping, yelling, flaring...
Me:So now that it has been about 1 minute, I am going in before the window busts...

I walk in the door and she is fine, calm, as nothing happened..... I am still worked up and mad as heck! I ask her why she did that......She says.. I don't like to be left alone.......WOW.... Daddy, Siahna in house, and me on porch with in 10 inches of her on the other side of window. SIGH.......Not her fault really, she cant help her anxiety level, but seriously she has got to learn that she will be ok....... The ONLY reason it happened was because I spend quite a bit of time with her before going out. OK one meltdown over..

So now all is good..... Now it is time to pick up blankets, oh wait... ME pick up blankets, baths, teeth and bed...... Yay! We made it!!!

Samarra wants to play wii............... it doesnt work for some reason.... I checked to make sure plugged in......... Nothing...  NICE.......  So this is one of those things you wish you could fix, but you cant no matter what Samarra may do and this doesnt seem to compute to her at all.... I try to tell her it is broke. she acts as if i just said nothing and says will you put in golf....Samarra, honey it is broke it doesnt work..... Yes it does, it just needs batteries........ No it is broke on the machine, not the remote...............I am going to play.........Honey.. listen to me.. you cant play it, it is not working.............It has always worked before..................Well it doesnt this time I am sorry............It needs to work, it always did before......... So this goes on till she finally blows up and is crying , screaming in pillow hitting her pillow and kicking..........I do try to stop her this time, but it just makes it worse......... I go get ready for bed................... She gets done............INSTANT difference...  well since it is broke, can I play with daddy's phone?

Now ready for bed, playing daddy's phone and happy as ever..........

I wish I understood, but I don't, I wish i didn't get so MAD on the inside, but I do, I wish it was easier for her, but its not. We are who we are and we move on and smile the next day= )

Heads up on tonight, just FYI, She was suppose to go to mall with her aunt, and they cant go.........Sigh........ Could be a good night.. pray it is, but pray for mom more cause she gets to tell her.... I haven't braved the dreaded phone call.............Schedule changes don't work out well...

I will leave you with a cute picture of Siahna with her favorite monkey= )

You can almost see a smile!!!!

Have an AWESOME DAY!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Aspergers, Quick to snap!! June 21, 2011

Happy Tuesday!!!!!!!

It was so nice outside this morning! Beautiful sky!

Today's weather - NewsOK Weather

So I want to start out with some VERY important information that you probably didn't know before you read this... But it will explain so much! Did you know that when kids pull ALL the pillows and blankets from the whole house and put them in a pile on the floor there is a metamorphosis that takes place in all of them that causes them to become 100X heavier than they were before they got on the floor, this preventing them from picking them up and putting them back where they got them??????????? See you didn't know did you?? Well that seems to be what happens in my house anyway.... lololol

Here is what it may look like for reference!

So the night went pretty good, she ate a whole hot dog, it was one of those Hebrew, 98% fat free ones made with all beef!!!!! Of course we had to go through our daily routine of me not being quick enough with dinner and her acting as if the world is coming to an end because she doesn't have food in her mouth! Here is a good question.. I never can get dinner ready before almost 6, I don't even get off till 5.... How did 5:30 become the breaking point???????  Can I not get 15 more minutes in her routine???  I guess I can try to ask her that...  lol I am telling you I cant keep up with her. I wish her food likes would become at least a little routine. But whatever she is happy and full for at least 30 minutes.

Made the mistake a couple times of using the word "second" and "minute" and of course I got the counting from samarra, I am more aggravated at myself in this time.....  I need to see if there is a word anonymous class, I don't mean this to make fun of AA or anything like that, I just cant quit saying those words KNOWING what happens when I do!   UGGGGGGG

I did everything I could last night to make the night perfect, and it almost was, I got all crafty and MADE a new game for us to play. I took paper and cut pieces out and wrote words on each and put tape on the back and put it on wax paper.... We had to choose one and go put it on the others head and act it out so the person wearing it could guess what it was.... I used very simple words and it was fun... Different.. I get so tired of the same games...  Am I proud of me? Yes I am!

Now, the only part of Samarra's aspergers that came out in this time was her ability to SNAP instantly but short lived.... This aggravates me so much! If we don't hurry and she has to wait even a second she gets angry so fast!!!!!!  I mean no one said we are done, we are playing the game like she wants, and if we don't play as fast as she likes, she gets all angry and frustrated...  I do point it out to her and ask her if she is done playing game... Of course she says no, and when questioned why, she just simply says. You need to focus on game and keep it flowing....  What the???   Oh well...  We had fun anyway!!!!!!!  Woo hoo!!

AND then it was time to stop playing, this part is never fun... I did the childish thing again and pretended to cry with her and make it much more dramatic than she ever could. Made her mad, she stormed off, i followed her and she had her hands over her ears and buried in blanket. And its done.  That was soooooooooo much fun  lolol

So now all is happy in house , she is playing with sister good... getting ready for bed, snack time.........Siahna was so cute she had to eat her snack in the castle last night... lol   AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW

Samarra is pretty content tonight, i think she missed being home. Brushed teeth and right to bed... As nights go, success!!!!!

Go me, go me.......I need someone to pat me on the back  lol

Have a great Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Happy Monday!!!!!!!!

Made it through the weekend....Fathers day was good and we had a quiet weekend.... I should start with the fact that due to plumbing issues the kids were not allowed to be in the house for three days. Today will be the first day they come back since Thursday so I don't have any major stories to tell....  You will have to ask my sister, she has Samarra...........  EVIL LAUGH..................  Sorry.... I didn't really laugh out loud... She does pretty good over there though......

So this post is going to be mostly fun.. I got LOTS of pictures of the KickStart Soccer for Autism this weekend!!!   YAY.... I just have to say that this is the best thing I have done so far for Samarra. It was quite hot, but she gets in there and does it. And she talks great about all the kids. The biggest thing is NO ONE makes fun of her. And even though she has some more abilities than some of the other children, she does not even notice it.  God Bless our children who love everyone no matter what.

She said to me.. Mom, I am glad Rob was having a good day today, I wanted to cry last week cause he looked like I feel sometimes................ AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
Of course just like my angel that goes to.... Mom can I through this bottle at your head and knock you out while your driving so we can get in a wreck?

Me: Why would you want to do that?
Samarra: Cause I am ready to go now and your being too slow, we are suppose to be driving now!
Me: you are so dramatic and impatient!

And don't forget one week ago on Saturday we went to a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese, so we had to go through a small meltdown on why we were not going to Chuckie Cheese that day as well.............. Nothing new, crying... not understanding why we aren't going. When she was younger I tried to find anything i could to get past Chuckie Cheese.................. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, yes I know this is gross and just EW...........BUT it worked so i used it!  I told her that Chuckie Cheese pooped on the floor and the whole place had shut down for a few months!  See She can understand a place being shut down and we cant go,, that makes sense.... HAHAHAHAHA  i made it sound all gross too  lolololol

OK, just a note about me ok..........  I know I am not the important one in this blog, but can I get a minute please!  LOL

So sister has Samarra, Siahna is at moms, well She is there to not be in the house, not for mom to babysit, mom has here weekend and I stay at moms to keep Siahna................ All I have to say is.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I almost went insane, I clean, it is what I do, I like it, i couldn't clean at moms like at home. I did vacuum moms twice, dishes, rearranged things to fit my organization needs  lol  but i cant go into her personal things................. WOW doing nothing wipes me out worse than cleaning does!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I felt like a big blob waiting to die!!!!!  Thank God I am back home tonight!  Ok I am done...

Went to The Big Easy, New Orleans Cafe in Yukon this weekend for Father's Day, it was OK, but I really wanted some serious spicy food.  I must tell you though my sites are set very high when it comes to Cajun food.... My sister is the best cook ever, she has lived in a house off the ocean in different places for many many years and they even go get fresh food and make it..... SOOOOOOOOO this place just might be better to others..  so if you go, let me know...

Ok, so for the fun part.. Pics!!!!!!  To see all the photos I took this weekend go to my FB page here. Darla's FB page

Yes I know I am BEAUTIFUL!!

Daddy and Samarra

Daddy and Siahna

Mimi and Samarra doing a craft.

Samarra after hair was done.

My dad, Richard and step mother, Janie

Overall, I can say about the weekend was, despite all the drama and all the meltdown all the stuff being thrown, crying, frustrations, anxiety, insanity.......I hated my kids not being home with me!!!!!!!!  Maybe I thrive and stay young with insanity............. I think maybe I do... My goal is to be a zombie!

Oh which made me think of something.... My brother Dwain, is the most AMAZING graphic artist I know and for Halloween he created this pic on the computer. To me it looks just like him with added effects!!!!!!!! He is amazing!!!!!  Yes, this is a random photo........but I thought of it so I am posting it. lol

My Brother as a zombie!
 Well here we go... Should be an interesting day... first day kids will be home in 3 days!   lol  I am ready............BRING IT ON!!!!!!

Have a great day!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Aspergers.........Lime.........No kids.........Lime... Ok for adults??? June 17, 2011


OK, so here is a bonus post for you, I am confused...

Got a call about the house being fixed. Had to have Lime and chemicals put down to kill any bacteria and mold under house. Was informed I could not have kids in house for 2 days........

I called pediatrician, he said 3 days until they could go back in house!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok here is the problem.. NO ONE knows if it is bad for adults...........They keep saying "your probably ok."  HELLO???

Does anyone else have a problem with this answer?

So I am reaching out, does anyone know 100% for sure if it is ok for adults????????

Aspergers I survived the plague and home repairs! June 17, 2011

It is Friday and I am back!!!

BLAH, so I was home with Strep yesterday, that was fun. Apparently it started in my ear.. that is weird!  Well anyway, when I get sick all of a sudden I am treated as though I have the plague!  Actually it is good, mom doesn't let the kids come home. She doesn't want anyone else to get sick.. Good thinking mom, and thanks for the break!!!!!!!!!

However, I did decide to bring Samarra and Elizabeth to my house, I can manage with out touching them.I do know I will not get as much rest, pffft who needs it.... lolol So I planned so well before they got there, food, snacks, stuff to do.. I was going to ride the night out easy!      LOLOL I was hoping anyway. Really not too bad until it was time to get ready to go to bed.

Samarra decides she wants to sleep in her bed since baby isn't home.............  OH I don't know if i have even told you that even though she has a $1000.00 bed her Aunt De Ann bought her, she wont/cant sleep in it............ Why??????????  Sensitivity to sound....thank you aspergers for that....... Well when I moved the baby in the room to the crib, all of a sudden Samarra was awake if not all night, at least 10 times freaking out cause she heard the baby make a sound in her sleep. She is so scared the baby will cry she would jump up run in my room and tell me the baby is awake and about to scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH well I have a camera monitor that i can even hear the baby breathing.. she was NOT awake until Samarra jumped up... So now I have two kids awake all night...........NO BUENO!!!!!!!!

Aunt De Ann and Uncle Paul

So Samarra's room is now the couch.   OK, back to the story.... She decides she will sleep in bed..........Me NO WAY.........  she wont sleep in there now, cause that is not routine and I am not goign to move everything-in there..........  Dangit! I am a sucker.. so I moved it all in there......Elizabeth gets in the bed............Samarra goes and sits on the couch............

Me: What are you doing?
Samarra: Mom, you really need to work on not asking questions about the obvious.
Me:UGGGGGGGG ok your sitting on the couch  why?
Samarra: I decided I dont want to sleep in my bed, I want to sleep on the couch
Me: Just try it.
Samarra: No, I cant
Me: Why did you beg me to then and I move all this stuff
Samarra: Cause I thought i might could...
Me: OK, thats fine, maybe next time... I now move everything back to couch
Samarra: Mom, I decided I want to sleep in the playroom
Me: NO!
Samarra: Please I know I will sleep in there
Samarra: MOM!!!!!!  please I promiseMe: No, Samarra you will get me to move all the stuff , then you will want to come back I already know.
Samarra: Please mom.....
Me: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG  again.........  ok I have to let her try, I know she really thinks she can
Samarra: I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, be strong.. I can do this
Me: All done, kids on floor, and i am going to watch TV
Samarra: Come ON Elizabeth we have to go, we have to go NOW
Me: I just laid down.....  WHYYYYYYYYYYY........
Samarra: I cant do it, I cant, I cant, I cant I cant, I cant, i cant... rocking and holding ears...
Me: What is going on?
Samarra: I cant, I need to sleep on the couch and Elizabeth wont come, I cant, I cant, i need to go now, i need to go
Me: Crap, here it goes........  Come on Elizabeth lets move the stuff, Samarra needs a minute.
Samarra: Is sooooooooo mad now... I know she is mad at herself, toys flying, screaming, would hit anything in her way, Yelling I wish I was never born!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had died in my moms stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!..... I feel bad for her, but I cant do anything so we go about our business.. Of course Elizabeth wonders why she is like that.. I just told her we all deal with things differently and Samarra has a hard time with it.

So about 5-7 min pass and she comes out of playroom fine... Mom can we watch a movie..........  Yes honey, which one do you want?

I lay down, with in 5 min they both are asleep...............  WHEW!!!!!!!!!! Now it is my turn, I think it took me all of one minute to be asleep.......

Ok now home repairs....... I have ADVANCED COMFORT & ENERGY SOLUTIONS, LLC  doing some work on my house. Love them by the way!!!!!!!!!! Great guys!!!!

Found out under my siding I have old wood siding with asbestos in it... Cant get insulation in my walls. apparently it is completly safe in a sealed area, but if they mess with it at all the neighborhood will get lung cancer.......... SO guess what... I SAVED my neighborhood!  I am the silent hero.......  Ok so I want to feel good about me, just let me please.......  So I then decide ok, well the California room , I want siding on it. Get my quote from an awesome guy who works out of Prague.. I will get his info and put it on here for you........ CUTE little boy came with his daddy to help work...........AWWWWWWW.

OK, anyway back to my house....they come in and tell me they cant finish under hosue now because I have a leak under the sink in my kitchen........... A very BAD one that has been there a while and there is MOLD and bacteria everywhere.....................

DIALING the husband...............AAAAAAHHHHHHH  call Mickey... A family friend who has known Aaron since he was a baby... AWWWW....

So he comes out and looks at it..............NOT GOOD............ SO now we dont have a puddle, but a LAKE under the house that has been there a very long time...........I might mention I was suspicious about mold being around the house.. We were more sick in the last year than in my whole life!!! So they have to come in and pump the water out, put lime down on everything to kill all the mold and bacteria, do repairs and finish up, then the insulation guys can finish..
Mickey is a great guy!!!!!!!!!!!!  He owns AB Discount Plumbing........Very upstanding and honest! I will get his info as well... lol

So strep, aspergers, insulation, plumbing..............Anyone else want to through anything my way............ Jus tmake sure there is DRAMA and MONEY involved or I might now know how to react to it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel better, babies home, short night no drama........sitting on daddy....Daddy on Harley, Road King.... Good Night!

 He does smile, he just doesn't like people really   lolol

Have a great Friday

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Aspergers She loves grilled steak from daddy! June 15, 2011

It's Wednesday! Ok.. Happy

I don't know, but I am wanting to still be in bed.. no reason, just lazy.... Cool house, cubbers, and old scary movies... PERFECT!

But I will go to work instead, I do love my job too.

So an overall view of yesterday was a pretty good night. I had purchased some chicken, steak and pork chops and daddy cooked it all up at the same time last night...........YAY... Samarra LOVES MEAT when daddy cooks it on the grill. She ate steak, chicken four cheese potato's, broccoli, and she wanted pringles for dessert... Whatever she wants at this point, SHE ATE HER MEAT!!! happy happy!! Of course Siahna eats everything.

One important thing to note about me making Samarra's dinner, I have to cut the meat up even smaller than I cut Siahna's because Samarra either WONT bite, or cant bite... who knows.. but I do all but chew it up and give it back... lolol This is anything that has to be bit off except like bread, she has NO problem eating any bread... Her dinner is also given to her in a bowl, not a plate. A plate is for breakfast. You didn't know that.. well it is a

After dinner I left the house to go and look at garden again and was out there about ..............maybe 4 minutes and i came back in to this....

Samarra had decided to get out all these boxes I had set to go outside and made a boat out of it.... lol Yeah, ok it was a mess, but they were so cute! Played with it for a long time which is great!!!

So far so good.... and I am feeling so much better today.. no tears... yet.. lol

And it is over.. Samarra decides to take the baby in the bedroom... I am listening... waiting... Samarra is laughing.. ok... I don't hear Siahna.............ALARM.......... What are you doing??? Trying to see if Siahna will breath if i bury her in blankets........UGGGG NO!! Honey you cant do that.. she could get hurt! But it is fun... Me: I said STOP and I mean it....Do it again and see what I will do.... She says ok, I wont... I leave.

I hear the door close again, but I hear both of them now so all is good.... Siahna is screaming now.... and Samarra is laughing.... I open the door... what are you doing now??? I turned out the lights so she couldn't see so she would get scared and cry........... Samarra!!..........why would you do that.....She looks at me like I am dumb and says........UMMMMMMMM cause it is fun......... UUUUUGGGGGGGGG

I told you this is scary..... I wonder if other mothers deal with death issues and stuff... Why couldnt she get fixated on cars, or something....But like i said let her sister get hurt even a little and Samarra breaks down hard!

This time I took Siahna out of the room with me. Samarra, can I have a pop-tart... Yes, but give e a sec...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH what is wrong with me.... Samarra 1. now can I have it? Me: OK, give me a few minutes.... Samarra: that is no more than three you know. She walks off, comes back it has been 2 minutes and 30 seconds.. you have 30 seconds to get the pop-tart, you better get it now.

Yup, I got it....

Had an interesting conversation with Samarra which showed strong asperger traits... Have you ever seen the show "Parenting"? The episode where Max's cousin is in a car wreck and the whole family was suppose to go to the hospital and Max went even though he was suppose to have pancakes?  Well the situation was unstable with the cousin and the family had no news of living of dying. and Max is stressing out about his pancakes and starts saying things like "You said she wasn't going to die anyway so why are we here, I want my pancakes... you said i could have pancakes"  The father tries to calm him, but NO.. with aspergers.. your problems are not there problems and don't inconvenience them with yours.. there life and routine is more important...

So here is the conversation

Samarra: When are you going to get sick again and cry and throw up?
Me: I hope never!
Samarra: I wish you would now
Me: Why
Samarra: Cause it was funny watching you get sick
Me: Really.. you weren't scared at all?
Samarra: Maybe like this much... (puts up her fingers where you could barely see through them)
Me: So you liked it then
Samarra: Yea I loved it
Me: Trying to understand her thoughts I say... And what made it a good time?
Samarra: I got to go to Mimi's house, I got to play games, she made sure my breakfast and lunch and dinner were on time
Me: So it wasn't that mommy was sick , it is because Mimi keeps better track of time?
Samarra: No you being sick cracked me up a lot, I thought i was going to die laughing...
Me: Thanks babe
Samarra: Well i do like going to the cafeteria at the hospital
Me: I know you do..
Samarra: So will you get sick again please, so I can eat in the cafeteria?
Me: You are crazy and no.

Do you see how everything is about her and not the situation?  So if we are ever around you and your sick, please know it is about her in her head and if she says something inappropriate, well........I don't want to say I will apologize, but just understand her= )  She really does love hard and she just cant help it.

The rest of the night pretty much went off with out any issues. Got the girls in bed and I watched TV and I am not sure when I fell asleep....

OH, Samarra has been wearing her headset quite a bit, she likes them... I even put them on for a bit last night  lol  I loved them.. I couldn't hear anything!   lol

Here they are.

No one died, I didn't cry, House is still standing.........AMEN!

Happy Wednesday!!!!!!