Aspergers Mommy

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Well I am a mom of two wonderful kids that I have been blessed with!!! I am not a psychiatrist, or a doctor so anything I say is not the answer to all, it might not even be the right thing for me!! lol I do my best with who and what I have to overcome any challenge with lots and lots of prayer,my mom who is God given just to me for this very reason, my sisters, and friends! I love life, mostly positive........BUT I am insane at times, get to the point of wanting to explode! lol.. I sing kids songs way too much! Did I mention I am OCD when it comes to cleaning. Which believe it or not I think is what keeps me sane. When I clean, I love it. Breakdowns, crying, talking, just all seem to be ok as I clean..Thank God for OCD!!!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Aspergers?? ODD.... CAN YOU SAY AAAAAWWWWWW !!! Jan.27, 2012

T.G.I.F !!!!!

OK, NOW SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

This past week has been HORRIBLE!!! Did I look happy and cute all dressed up for work with a smile and was I nice??? UM YEA.. but on the inside I wanted to scratch peoples eyes out!!!!! Especially the ones complaining about how horrible their life is cause they missed a sale at Dillard's.........WOW really???? If only that was my only issue.... I think the last time I was at Dillards was .. I don't know, but I am sure i bought nothing...

OK, so I guess to them it is the worst thing so I shouldn't say that.......... BUT I DID!!!!! CAUSE IT IS DUMB!!!!!! lololol

SO, Samarra turned out with some kind of monster virus that invaded every opening in her body.. Yes, I am sorry TMI... She also had a 103 temp at one point, only to go down to 102. with meds. This started last Friday and she is still not back yet!!

But because I have been giving her Benadryl I decided not to give her regular medicine to her to help with her Aspergers/ODD.

WOW what a difference a pill makes..........It is like I am doing a science experiment with her brain.. I shoulda taken notes for research purposes of course.. this child was INSANE!!!! Well when her fever wasn't 102. anyway.. during that time she was passed out.... Sadly that is bitter sweet, bitter for her cause poor baby did not feel well..... sweet for me cause ......SILENCE........ = )

I have been threatened with my life. She has been on very short edge with everything... I have been having to dress her cause she tries it and gets frustrated and just goes into a complete rage and she says to me yesterday.

I am like you know what a paddle is a wonderful thing.. at least it was in my day.. lets try that...
Her response.........I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY AND GET ME UP!!!!

And once again it was one of those moments where I usually feel the fever of the banshee start at the top of my head and my face gets hot and I am sure i look like a demon strait from hell............BUT it is weird.

That did not happen........INSTEAD.

I felt like the sky kind of opened up and i could have sword there was a light that shown down on me and i just felt this blanket of warmth come over me that was very nice and peaceful and i just stood there for a moment and thought.. this is so weird.. why am I not going into a rage??

Well maybe I shoulda tore Samarra's butt up,( I don't mean literally) but I didn't.. i looked at her and I said.. Honey I am sorry your frustrated.. tell momma what is happening.. and she busted out in tears and said.. I could do it last week and i just cant get my brain to do it this week............

I look back now and I know some of those reading may not believe in God, but I promise you Jesus was with me right at that moment and I thank God for helping me see what was REALLY wrong........You know some parents would beet their child in a situation as such.......I am so glad she is mine!!!!!

This morning instead of just getting dressed and going on with it she made a point to say.. I am NOT getting dressed cause you asked me to and I am doing what you say cause I don't HAVE to.. I am doing it cause I wanted to!!!!!!! REALY???? did she need to throw that in there....... Just trying to keep control of me... I promise the Good Lord ties my hands up and holds me back so much around that child........ I think back to my childhood and although i can say for FACT i never even tried anything like she does.. my butt would be permanently dis formed if i had......But seriously though..i was taught respect and a lot of that just follows.. Samarra...........NOPE she has none most of the time cause that forces things to NOT be about her..... And she does not like that at all!!

Well that is just one of MANY instances of how this week has been... a couple things she said to me this week...

1. I was counting with the baby and she looks at me and with a look on her face I can not describe says.... OH look you finally learned to count to 20 mom, I am impressed.....WHAT????.... GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR yet another moment I could have went psycho on her...

2. Samarra is on a huge thing about trying to figure out emotions in love........well Aaron was talking about watching a girl on the U.S.Open I think on TV and Samarra says.. and did you fall in love with her?? He is like um no.... goes on.. I then am speaking about a conversation i had with a man at work and Samarra says.. do you love him??? I am like um no........ So I am going to get food and i say hi to the man and she says .... are you going to kiss him?? I am like um no goofy why would i.. she says cause you talked to him.. I did let her know that being polite is just what we do even though we never speak to them again........I don't know how to help her with this???????? Sounds like a perfect question for the therapist who is amazing i might add!!

OH, and did I mention my mom is sick............Out of being busy, Samarra being sick, Samarra going crazy on me.. my mom being sick stresses the tar right out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not sure it is healthy for me to rely on her so much, not for help, but mentally....But i always say she is my backbone and i have learned my patience and kindness and loving from her which i think is in direct connection with God!!! It is like she is a part of me.. maybe that is why her being sick stresses me out .. also my Grandmother........Who i was close to and loved so much was here one day and got pneumonia and gone the next day.. i dont think i am still over that and I am scared that will be my mom too.......... WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

OK.. pull it together Darla!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I know i haven't been here but i have one more issue I am hoping someone out there reading can help me with PLEASE!!!!!!! And honestly I am a little embarrassed a little...........

SAMARRA SAW SOMEONE KISS ON TV!!!!!!!!!!!!! I try to limit this and one snuck in on me!!! She used to walk around kissing all the guys at school when she was 5 cause she saw it.................

Well ever since she has seen it.. when i go to kiss her she tries to kiss me weird.. like on the neck and on the lips and once she was laying on me huggin me and she started kissin my um chest area...........Yes i was clothed, but still.. I seriously feel WEIRD!!!!

I have explained and explained and she just keeps saying YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!!!! and getting mad, and I am not for sure but i think that is one reason she has been so angry with me= (


OH and all the laughing at illness and death is back too..........YAY ME!!!!!!!! lolol

OK, I must stop.......I could write so much more.. LAWD HELP THIS WOMAN!!!

Well you get more pics of the baby then Samarra.........She did not want me taking them as she usually doesn't when she is being shoo shoo.

Yup, She loves cinnamon rolls  lol
You don't know about this.... this is COOL...

Samarra taking a bite of cinnamon roll did not agree with her..

This is how I help with laundry..

How can you resist me........I have complete control over you!!!!!!!

Have an AWESOME FRIDAY and weekend!!!!!!!! OH and did i say...... HELP!!!!!!!!! lolololol

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Aspergers?? ODD... Talk about routine!! Jan.19, 2012

Happy Thursday!!

  OMGosh..................This time of year is a CRAZY busy time at work and every day I feel like i have spaghetti for brains!!!!!!!!!!  And then every time I think of that I get hungry!!!!!!!!  lolol  I told one of the ladies at work I am so going to bring spaghetti to work for all of us since that is all I feel like!  lolol But the problem is.. my brain feels like spaghetti that has set in the water too long and got all mushy! lololol

OH, spaghetti and pain .. I am not sure there is a chef out there that has come up with that one... I got the left side of my lower back nerves burned this week and it is kinda painful!!!!!!!!!!! But it is suppose to help in the long run so cross your fingers..

So for those of you sending mail askin where I am and if I am ok. THANK YOU!!

So school is back in and Samarra has went right back to her old routines she had before, it was a challenge to get back a bit, but we made it right back into the INSANITY......... I guess you never know JUST insanity is not so bad  lolol

The routines have kicked in strong.. so far this week I have come home to the "Is dinner ready" routine and major crying and her trying to make dinner every night but last night cause she goes to class at church and mom feeds her= )


Then when she gets home from Awana EVERY week she starts in with I didn't do what I normally do on the other days of the week so I want to start my night like you just got home and guess what?? It is 30 min before bed so NO.............CRYING........MAD..........just outright DEFIANT for about 15 min. When i say defiant.. it is still better like I will ask her to brush her teeth and she will look at me and get up to brush her teeth and give me a GO TO HELL LOOK and say NO!!! But she does it.........

SO now I am all confused..........she is doing what i tell her to do, but she is saying no????????? Should i be as mad as I get??? Like seriously i promise it feels like i been in a tanning bed for like 5 hours and my face is just burned up when she does this...

She also has been doing that acting like she is going to hit me thing.......BOY.......I snapped on that one for sure.......I looked at her and once again probably looked as though i was demon possessed, like there was a tear in space and the real me got sucked into another dimension and threw back the evil me or something and I said........I HOPE YOU DO!!.......... She calmly looks at me and says.. your so dramatic, like I would hit you.... If I was going to hit you i would do it while your not looking.......... OH GOOD I feel so much better now........ WOW

I know she is just pushing me, but this is new so I am going to have to figure this one out. hmmmmmmmmmmm not a good time to be trying to figure things out when i already have mush for brains!!!

I have noticed going back to school has made her very needy of me and very needy of routines so I have been trying to accommodate that....You know I told you she watches Wheel of Fortune every day and i have not sat down to watch it in a while.. well i decided to and guess what??????????

It caused a complete major meltdown!!!!!!!! WHAT THE??????

OK, so last time i watched the show with her, Jurassic Park came on TV after....... So we watch the show and it is over and she says "OK, lets watch Jurassic Park now" I said.. um it is not on.... She says.. Yes it is.. it always comes on after Wheel of Furtune. I say.... No it doesn't honey, that was just that one time........NO we have to watch Jurassic Park!!!!!!!! I just tell her, well honey I don't know what to tell you it is not on.........

So as you can see this is a situation I have NO control over right??? She wants me to FIX IT NOW!!!

She is screaming to me WE HAVE TO watch it, we always do!!!!!!!! And just flips out...MAD as I don't know what, stuff flying....SIGH...........I don't get it...........What is going on in her head to make this so serious???? This should not cause a meltdown. I just took the baby out of the room and let her continue and about ummmmmmmmm 20 min later she came out as if it never happened. Happy, smiling.

I guess that will remain a mystery forever.........How am I to help her when I don't get it??????? GRRR

That is not the only example there has been quite a few. Something about we ate ice cream on a certain day when she was 3 and we needed to again on that day...... UMMMM OH! and the stress of when we stopped at the store there was someone else working than the usual person! HOW HORRIBLE!!! lolol I was going to let her get some candy as I always do and she refused to get any cause it was not the same girl working..... I am like ummmm ok.... whatever.... She goes on and on about it is not suppose to be someone else.. the girl has to be there.......

Anyway......Needless to say, I am kinda stressed out right now, but it is not from Samarra, i think it is a combo of all of it.. lol but I will be all good= )

So I have run out of time for today, but I want to leave it with this.... I have heard comments that people feel sorry for me and do I need help and what not......... NO My life is not horrible.. Yes, Samarra has moments, but there are some WONDERFUL moments we have where you might even question if there are issues at all.....overall she is a pretty good little girl. It is just a toss up on when and what may set her off.

I would not trade my life for anyone's!!! I might add more time to the day, or I might make her life easier.. But like I have said a million times.. I think I was put here for her.......I am not doing a GREAT job yet, but I am trying to get there!

I love my girls!!! Take the bad and find the positive is what I say= )

Thank you to all who have taken an interest in me and my family and my issues.... I hope I make you feel not alone!!! = ) Or maybe my life makes you think yours is great lololol

Here are some of our times over the weekend!! FUN FUN= )

I was getting a hat show while cleaning the bathtub  lol  AWWWW

Me  lol

Samarra in play frig.. She was chasing the baby. lol dorks!

Samarra reading the Bible.... I think it is the 10th time now???

Strike a pose  lol

Siahna in frig...= )


LOL not sure what that look is, i was not forcing her to wear it!!

Have an awesome day!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Aspergers?? ODD...I love you.. I hate you! Rollercoaster, but no wheee!! lol Jan. 10, 2012

Happy Tuesday!!!

Oh blog how I miss thee!!! lolol

So I took a poll and it is not just me, this last week has been a bit of a hell well for most parents with kids off school and trying to get back in the grove. So I guess in that sense........We are completely "normal" YAY!!!

However I am not for sure exactly what others deal with, but not only did I get lax on my duties, Samarra sky rocketed out of control......

So when I started getting myself back in order, SHE DID NOT LIKE IT!!!!!!! I know the consistency is the key here and WHY THE HECK I did not keep it up I don't know!!!!!!!........BAD BAD MOMMY!!!! lolol

We went to therapy for the first time in a few weeks and she got time out 3 time-out's in therapy.........Does that tell you anything?? WHEW She was very uncooperative and doing almost the opposite of what was asked of her..... She had not seen this therapist for a while and come to find out she was mad that the therapist couldn't see her for a while and she said why should I do anything, she is just going to leave anyway.............And then the light bulb went on.......Yet again, she was misdirecting her reaction to an emotion........By the time we left they were best buds again and all was good= )

She decided she was not going to get dressed herself while she was off from school and because I still had to go to work and not be late, I actually dressed her.........WHAT THE??? Why would I do something so dumb!! She struggles to get dressed still with some things and i just took the easy road and got her dressed, so if you can picture my house on this morning......

ME: Well your going to go naked then.
Samarra: You always dress me and your going to today!
Me: Um, no i dont always dress you, it was holiday and i let you get lax, now it is time for school so GET UP and get dressed!
Samarra: You are MEAN and I wish aunt De De was mmy momma!
Me: ME TOO, cause she would be woopin you right now. Now I am going to leave this room cause I refuse to argue with you and when I come back you better be dressed!!!!!!!
Samarra: Throws a shoe across the room saying I am NOT DOING IT!

So I just keep getting ready, heart pounding and so mad, and knowing that this is NOT all her fault. Why did I think for a second that changing something would be ok?? GGGGRRR!!!!

So I am getting dressed and she walks in and says look mommy I buttoned my shirt all by myself.(This is the first time she has with that shirt) And I praised her and told her how proud I was of her and she be bops off saying I will get the rest of my clothes on too, I love you mommy! I say I love you too and thank you.. your a good girl.... Well She couldn't get her shoes on, this is still a huge challenge and so i had her try again............Yes, I caved.... I did it.....Maybe cause I thought we had enough drama today............SIGH..........I am not perfect.... Never will be= )

So already, I have had my emotional roller-coaster ride and I didn't even say wheee!!!  lol NO FUN! But it was very satisfying to see how proud she was she buttoned her shirt... those moments make it better= )

So, I can see where a lot of you may have decided up front that you might have snatched her up and whooped her or punished her right off, maybe I should have, but I didn't and she learned that I was not going to cave even if she did call me names and she got satisfaction of doing something herself, so I say it was a success.

Another thing she picked up and used this past week was how she hates other kids being around her cause she likes to be the ONLY one getting attention like at her aunt De De's house........Yeah I knew that was coming and it is ok, She can hate me......I know she really doesn't.........But BOY!!! can she shoot the daggers out of her eyes!!!!!

She has been trying me HARD!!!! I ask her to do something simple as put something in the trash and the daggers come out and she looks at me and says with absolutely NO EMOTION..........NO..... and walks off........

OMGosh......And then yes, this sweet momma lost it.........Like flames out of the sky shooting down through the top of my head cause I felt like my head was on fire, momma turns into something close to what the devil may be............I got close to her face with hand on arm and said.........(OH and I am pretty sure my voice got deep and scratchy too).........."Say NO to me one more time and I promise you you will find out just what your momma can do to make your life the most boring life you ever had...........TRY IT AGAIN"........... This all happened after she had said no a few times before and i had to do the 1..2...3... finger thing which works but I am not a big fan of cause it doesn't stop it....

She actually was looking at me like i had lost my mind with confusion.....Which I think I did for a second.......And she said yes, Ma'am.... and that was it.... Then she says to me.......You really didn't need to be so dramatic about all that......

WHAT??????? Did she just call ME dramatic misses drama queen!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!

WOW, Guess i need to loose it more often= )

Anyway.. We have had some awesome great times too, don't get me ALL who have kids who struggle with something, not ALL the time is filled with complete chaos..... Lots of crying, lots of laughter, lots of goofy and yes, chaos....

But I guess as long as it is all mixed up and i get a second in the middle we are good= )

OH here is a tip completely unrelated to Samarra..........Remember this!!!!! DON'T GO TO THE MALL AND TO VICTORIA SECRETS when they are having there twice a year sale!!!!!!!!! Seriously out of all the stuff i deal with at home, this gave me a headache!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lolol

I haven't taken photos but one after we left the mall... The kids crashed hard!!!! I wished it was me!

I was going through photos and here are a couple I saw yesterday that i just LOVE LOVE!!!
Have an awesome day!! Oh and SMILE, why not???

Friday, January 6, 2012

Aspergers??ODD... Doesnt it seem strange that your taller, older, but not as smart?? lolol Jan. 6, 2012

Happy Friday
First post of the new year!!!!

So do people really set New Year resolutions still????  I was asked what mine was and I looked at them and said "nothing." They actually looked shocked.. lol And then it went from shock to almost a look of disgust when I simply stated that  

"New Years resolutions were only made to tell others to make yourself look like you are awesome and a go getter when in reality whatever it is, usually is gone with in the first month and makes you feel like a failure"...........LOLOLOL I mean seriously am I wrong??

OK, CONGRATS to all who have made a serious life change due to a New Years resolution!!

I will make one......Here it goes.........My plan is NOT to go completely insane at the hands of my children....  LAWD help me with that one..........lololol

Anyway.........So I was insane, and my freakin OCD nerves were shot all to HECK over the New year!!!!!!!!!

I REALLY need to introduce the part of my brain that buys toys and the part of my brain that is OCD.........Cause they are in major conflict all the time!!!!

I had the four girls over the weekend and I opened "THE HOUSE OF OCD DOOM" or known to the girls as the "Deluxe Playhouse" with refrigerator, oven, toy-box, and balls to play in. This thing is HUGE!!!!! From the moment I opened it I was on edge!! The girls had so much fun and they played and played, even slept in it at night.. It was ALL I could do to hold it together..

I shouldn't have, but I swear I smoked enough to have a fire truck come out almost!!! And when I was inside I managed to calm my self by making sure everything outside of "The HOUSE OF OCD DOOM" was very clean.

THEN they would come out of the house.. now I am inside the house cleaning, then they go back in and I am cleaning outside.......WHEW!!

Happy New Year to me!!!!! lolol

So as usual... Girls playing, new toys, new house, Samarra with me not playing. She just wants to spend time with me........You know that is great, I love her.......But seriously, at her age, I woulda killed to have friends over and not see mom and go off plotting on what mischief we could get into... AM I WRONG AGAIN???

GRRRRRRRRRR a couple times I was like listen.........GO PLAY!!!!!!........Do not come near me for at least ten minutes......Then she starts counting..........She would get interested in something they were doing for a bit, then before I knew it , she was right back to me.........They want me dead I think.. or maybe just her...lololol

Ok, enough on that, I got pictures.. SO I put it up the next day and still my house was shambles which I took pictures of and then cleaned lol I am happy to announce my house is in order as I write... I love my house in order!!!!!!!!!!!

OH, did i tell you I went to the dreaded Chuckie Cheese too!!!!!! YUP... Got pictures of that as well.

So Samarra says to me a couple days ago as we are in the car........."Mom don't you think it is strange that your taller, older by A LOT, and bigger, but yet your not as smart as me???"    LOLOLOL WOW isn't that an awesome question.... Of course I told her it was cause God has something so special planned for her and he planned my brain good enough to take care of her= ) She says........Yea I can see how you wouldn't need to be that smart to take care of kids lolololol

Another "Samarra" thing........... Yes we still are working on not thinking death is funny or the most interesting thing on the planet..... Watching of all things..."Little House on the Prairie" an old woman is about to die...... She knows it and she says out loud to me.... OH here comes the good part!!!!

I look at her and she says... oh I mean not the good part but it is good. I ask her why is it and she says well cause she is dying. I don't even bother to go forward with that conversation.......... lolol Nope it isn't funny, but kinda her reaction was...........Tells me she knows it is not the right response to someone dying, but she just hasn't got it down yet..........BABY STEPS.............

BUT!!!!!!!!!!! here is a good question to all the PSYCHOLOGISTS.......

I am teaching Samarra it is NOT the proper way to respond when you say things like that, but yet inside her she still thinks it ............Am I not just teaching her to NOT vocalize her opinions and thoughts and to LIE????????? HHHHUUUUMMMMM.............Why should I be teaching her to hold things in??????

Am I analyzing this too much???????? Oh good LAWD, my brain hurts now........ Now I don't know what to do.......Too many variables in that statement.. I will ask my mom= )

OK now on to the important stuff........PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy sharing in my New year!!

Me with OCD stress lines on my forehead!!!!!!!!!


Girls getting house ready for bed...... Or rather girls laying in house I got ready! lol = )

My crazy girls doing crazy poses.

And another pose, going to be models before I know it...  Just maybe for a clown group  lol

Third... lol

Kara and Siahna in the kitchen of the playhouse.

OCD moment

OCD moment 2

OOPs House fell  lolol

"House of OCD Doom" from front door.

Two nuts and two marshmallows... lolol

I am innocent...

Playin games at Chuckie Cheese... SHE FOUND A FRIEND!!!!!

Ummm still playin games...  lol

Samarra trying to get Siahna to move..........Um no she isnt going to...


AWWW She found a little friend too!

Yes, I am cute, so cute and I know it= )

More pictures!!!

Have an AWESOME DAY!!!!!!