Aspergers...ODD.. Me dying doesnt help our routine!!! Dec. 11, 2012

Happy Tuesday!!!

Yes, I came back finally!!!!!!!!!!!

So the last time I was here I mentioned having surgery. I did it!! Let me give you a little background here. I had some scar tissue from having c-sections and other things on my lower tummy that was causing some problems with pain and blood flow so in talking to my doctor I decided surgery was a good option to be pain free. I also had a small hernia so when I coughed I felt like  I was being stabbed from the inside out. AND the sneezing!!!!!!!!!!!  OMGosh it was a small explosion every time.!!!!!!!!!!  Good thing i did not explode.. ew... I did get a visual on that.. = (

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lovely insurance decided this was NOT a medical issue and deemed it to be cosmetic surgery and I would have to pay for every penny of it! Just makes you feel so warm and squishy inside knowing we pay for insurance every month! MMMMMMMMMMM..........  LOLOL  NOT!!!!!!!

SO at that time I found out a full TT (Tummy Tuck) did not cost even a penny more than what I was having done!!!!!!!!

WOW.........Well sounds like a bargain to me! Let's DO IT!!!!

THAT..........Ladies and Gentlemen and zombies and every one out there, was the worst decision I have ever made in my life!!!!!!!!! DO you ever revert to your childhood dreams of wishing you could be like Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie and just blink or wiggle your nose and change things?????? I wished i coulda went back in time and stood next to myself and slapped me on the back of the head when i thought "Hey! that's a great idea a whole TT!. I would have knocked the crap out of me tied me up and not allowed me to go!!!!!!!!!!!!and said are you STOOOOPID!!!  lol

Well, I did it November 12, 2012 at 7:30 a.m. All I can say is ..............THE WORST PAIN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! I seriously would NEVER wish this on my worst enemy!!!!!!!! NO seriously.......You need to tell everyone you know!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea of the pain!  WHy did no one mention this on the internet?

I stayed for a 24 observation and then I was due to go home.............

THEN IT HAPPENED!!!

Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:45 a.m............I have two drains coming out of me for blood to drain.  the one on the left filled up...............they emptied it.............it filled up again............they emptied it.....  I don't feel right.. I say........When do you get worried about this, cause I am worried now.............it fills up , they emptied it....They have been having problems already keeping my blood pressure up from taking pain medicine...............Shift change.............New nurse, new tech..............the drain fills up, they empty it, it fills up.. Again I ask the new nurse.. when do you get worried...........She seems to be concerned and she says she is going to go call the doctor, she leaves the tech in the room with me to again empty the drain.........She cant seem to empty it cause of a clot, she calls the nurse on the phone........

This next part I guess is my death experience............maybe it did not happen like they say because I didn't think I was dying......, I had no life flashing before my eyes, no white light. Although I woulda loved to see Jesus for just a second.= ) Where the heck was my beautiful angel coming to talk to me or my grandma who I miss so much or grandpa who is the best man who ever lived to me!  Dangit!!!!!!!!!

Ok, well here is what really happened............... Tech is emptying the drain........I tell her I dont feel right...................I kicked off blankets................I tell her my head is on fire, sweat is pouring off my body, i raised my hand and realized sweat was running off my fingers.............then I lost my vision.. I yelled.. I cant see!!!!!!!!!!!  The very next second I am paralyzed, I could not move my arms or legs............Now my words are gibberish...............I cant understand what I am saying..............

AND THEN NOTHING.............

I am not sure how long this nothing lasted, but some were in there Jesus decided it was not my time, I woke up with 20 or 30 people in my room yelling my name! I was so confused, I tried to get up to take Samarra to school.. I do remember that.................. I remember them asking me where I was, the date, the year, my name..........And then I remember being so tired like i had not slept in years and nothing i could do was going to help, i had to sleep so i decided to ignore them and sleep.................they apparently did not like this.......................  someone gently slapped my face and people started yellin my name again...... I remember vomiting now.............OMG PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! That helped for like a second.

I don't remember being transferred to ICU but I remember the awesome nurse Autumn who took care of me...I remember people acting like this was an emergency.......I remember thinking this is like watching a TV show and I wonder whats going on...Not until later when Autumn spoke with me did I realize how serious it was.. She looked at me after they stabilized me and said you look so much better now!!!.........I then found out that a code had been called on me from loosing too much blood.

My last blood pressure before I had none was 30/15...........I had lost over 2 liters of blood.........THAT IS A WHOLE 2 liter of soda plus some!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up getting two plasma transfusions and two blood transfusions and lots of fluid to replenish what I lost.

Here it is a month to the day of surgery and I am still bleeding, I am still hurting and I am not being able to perform all my regular duties as a mother. Although I am back to doing a lot of it. I am scared cuz i have to go to the doctor tomorrow for him to put a needle in and drain the blood out.............UGGGGGGGGG Why can I just get a live in vampire, at least then i could be a vampire and i wouldn't die!  lolol

So here is the breakdown for you.....................LOVE YOUR BODY the way you are!!!!!!

I have had so many emotional roller coasters since this has happened. I cant believe I PAID for my own death!!!! I am scared of just dying now, not of the death part, but of what i leave behind, my girls........ How could I be so shallow as to get a TT and leave my babies for my mother to care for!  My mom has been the angel she is and has taken care of them almost 24/7 since Nov 12 of this year. Hey That is why I did not see angels when I died, cuz I get to see one every day I am alive!!!  Cool...

I write this to you but I wrote it with out much thought, if i think about it too much I cant handle the emotion behind it. It is too much......... I am not sure but I think it has caused a bit of a trauma response mentally in me....... No, I cant say I have changed much.. I am still happy and smiling Darla, but the smile is fake a little sometimes right now..............I want that part to go away!!!!!!!!!!!

My family and my sub-human have been awesome!  I love them so much!!  I also have something rare in my job... The people at my job have been so sweet, and not because they have to, cuz they really care about me and I can feel it................I love working for them!!!!!!!!

I can tell you this much.. Me dying did NOTHING to help my progress with Samarra!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

BUT can you blame her???  My poor baby did not know how to respond.. school went crazy, attitude, and emotions and anger was off the chart!!!!!!!!!!!!  It gets so confusing................It is my fault really...but you cant alow her to disrespect or be mean or violent at school or to her sister............

I wished I could go back in time and say no.............but i cant so i have already started the process of trying to help her come back............She is also scared to death because she has surgery on Dec. 19 to get her tonsils out...........She has not says she is scared, but she is talking about it and asking questions to us and teacher MULTIPLE times a day........which tells me she is fixared on it........ She did mention dying.......

She doesnt show the correct emotion..............Even with me, she said you died. (We did not tell her, she overheard it).........I asked her if that was upsetting to her.. she said "WHy would it?? You would be dead and maybe then i could get McDonald's every day like i want..............  Isn't that awesome!!!  lololol She says, I mean i guess i would miss you sometimes, but you do look pretty bad right now.  Don't you just love the honesty!!  lolol

I know she loves me and i know she was upset, she just doesn't show it the same.

ANYWAY so I am sitting at home still bored out of my freekin mind. Yes, my OCD has made me clean a little. AMAZING how you can find ways to clean to not hurt yourself.. I LOVE my grabber thing...  lol  

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  and did I mention you CAN NOT take a shower as long as the drain tubes are in?????????????  Yea so I only got those out 6 days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I did not get to shower for 6 days shy of a month!  I have on a pressure suit that i can not take off for anything....... not anything..................yes it accommodates me needing to go to the restroom. You have no idea how often i am cleaning myself cuz i just cant get clean i don't feel. lol

So, I am going to quit WOO is MEEing........... It is over, I am alive, I have to quit bleeding sometime, and no i am not happy I have scars, but i am blessed........ i have my babies, family and a job.

THANK YOUs now.

Thank you to all who sent me emails asking why I stopped writing and checking on me!!!!!!  I am back, maybe slow but I am here....

THank you to EVERYONE who gives plasma and gives blood, with out you, I would not be here. The doctor said for sure if i had went home or they did not have blood, i would be dead!!

Thank you to everyone who has helped mom during this time.

Thank yu to my sister Debbi for being Samarra's taxi!!!!!!!!!!!  Love you.

Ok, I am out of here for now, feels good to be back!!!!


STAY TUNED for how Samarra has handled this and our struggles to get back!!! I have some pics for ya, one of them is the same day I coded... yea i had to do it...

Yes, I took a picture of myself the same day I coded..............Yup, I am ok...  lol

Bedlam day at school....  AWWWWWWWWWWWW

I got Aaron to put the tree up so I could look at something pretty while I recovered... Love it!!

My sweet Samarra, I just love her school dress uniform= )

My sweet Honey Bunny....= ) She is so happy like me!

My absolute favorite balloon that my boss and employees sent me!!!  lolololol

Me high as a kite on drugs a day I went to doctors....  trust me I looked 100% gross every other day at home!!!

Have a Great week!!!!

Aspergers..ODD...Monsters aren't real.. Monsters aren't real.... Nov. 3, 2012

And it happened again..........

It's Friday!!!

 OMG OMGosh!!!! Ten more days till surgery.... Why when I am this old am I startin to freak out!!!!!!!  Like I am thinking of all kinds of stupid things and worrying about stupid things.. So I am sitting .......Yes,m i actually sat down  lolol And i was like omgosh i so need to get some Funions for when I am home........REALLY???  CHIPS, I am worried about chips??  I don't even like those that well.......And I will have ew breath!  lolol  Weird.....

OK, so we had a fun week.... Festival at park last Sat. festival at Samarra's school on Wed.night, which was way cool i might add...... However I kept having to laugh cause they were calling it a Ho-Down. You know a western theme!!!  LOLOL  Well ok maybe my mind is in the gutter, but every time the guy on the microphone would say that word I thought of HOE Down....  lol Made me think of a joke I heard.. lololol  I know in a Christian School thinkin that.... For shame!  But no one dropped to the floor... Bwhaaaaaaaa  haaaaaaaa!!!  Ok, i am sure I am the only one laughing so moving on.............lol

Why is this blog so much about me today.. I guess my thoughts are on me.. = ) So at the park........WHEW!

Let me tell you...........I had it out with Samarra, i was soooooooooo lets say mad/upset/hurt..........Maybe all of them..........I have told you before, with Samarra you don't give, you don't go out, you just try to be as boring as possible life goes well..........

BUT

If you give to her, take her, or do something special ALWAYS ALWAYS it ends bad!!! GRRRR

WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY??????????

OK so let me just do a quick run down for you.

Trick or treating
Bought tickets for games and rides
Played all games
Did all the jumpy things and slides and tunnel
Played games again
Went and bought more tickets
Got food: Hamburgers, hotdogs, soda, cotton candy, popcorn, another hot dog.
Bought more tickets
Got balloons, which she was freaking out on, i had to ask the guy to make the balloons smaller for her, the big ones she cant do...........She has a major anxiety thing about them.

OK so we had fun!! She had fun.................On the way to the car......I want to carry the balloons to the car..   Me: Honey let me get them to the car then I will let you have them in the car and you can take them in the house.......Seems like a good thing to say so we don't loose the balloons right?????

Samarra: I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You never let me do anything.................YOU DON'T TRUST ME!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T TRUST ME........YOU DON'T TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!! ALL I want to do is stay here and you wont let me?????  
Me: confused look.. wait.. balloons.... trust.... stay at festival? What are we talking about...

Keep in mind this is very LOUD!!!!!!

I don't like you, you never do anything I want!!!...........Now, if you know me well enough i may teeter on the side of over-indulging my kids which i try to be careful of as not to spoil them rotten.. but this is not an ungrateful reaction....

I actually did not get embarrassed at all.. I would LOVE LOVE for someone to say something to me right now... cause the angels in heaven (Heavenly sound.. lol) Help me with dealing with Samarra, but i think they would give me free will on anyone else..........I don't give a crap what anyone thinks, I got to the car, gave her the balloons and she kept up for just a minute and I then said sooooooo you don't like me huh??  She says.. What?? Yes, I like you....... AGAIN..Me confused.. did what just happened happen?????????? Or did I possibly just have a alternate ending experience and I am the only one who remembers the one i had???????   (ok, too much SYFY!!!)

So I ask......Why is it when we go places when we go to leave you all of a sudden don't like me... So I guess we should not go anywhere anymore is that how you think we should do this? Because you know that hurts my feelings and makes me not want to go places when you say you hate me..................OK, now she is BAWLING and crying.. I DO LOVE YOU I DO LOVE YOU.................I just wanted to stay......................So telling me those things , you think will allow you to stay?????????????

She then says..........Do you still love me?  (She asks me this so much, i have no idea why)

So then i went into my Yes, baby.. I will always love you no matter what you ever do or say.. nothing in this whole world would ever make me not love you................I don't like your actions sometimes, but I always love you! And then i decided to let it go.. she was happy as a clam, no sign of every having any issue at all...........

That will teach me to take the kids fun places  lololol But on the inside, got to tell ya.............I was madder than heck!!!!!!!!

The second festival was awesome at her school.... we did not have issues that night, she was so tired she was passing out everywhere......But after being out and seeing masks and such.. when we got home she went to her bed and until it was time to go to bed she just sat there and rocked and talked to herself explaining there are no monsters because that was just kids in masks and then she started repeating

Monsters aren't real monsters aren't real... over and over.............I just let her.. What was I suppose to do????????? She knows they aren't real........

What I am about to say is NOT funny at all, but I wanted to kinda.. BAD MOMMY.........I thought..........OMGosh she would freak the heck out if i jumped out and scared the tar out of her...........lolololol  NOOOOOOOO I did not do it!!!!!  But i wanted to!!!!!

Anyway this week was i think a bit too much excitement for her, she has been zombie like all week, fallin asleep at school too her teacher said... Maybe next week will be back to normal...I would say it was pretty good.. I have a new goal for next week..............I AM going to get Samarra to quit throwing her food on the floor when she is done eating..........doesn't matter what it is.........when she is done, it goes on the floor........VERY stressful for an OCD person and to be honest, my inside explodes like a nuclear bomb went off and i want to yell so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ............see why i never sit down!!!!!!!!!!!!  lolol

Her answer when i ask why... Because I was done............NICE............Oh and it is so wonderful that Samarra can teach Siahna such wonderful things too you know  lolol  Now I have two of them.. Siahna only sometimes though...

Oh and the she will dress herself thing... yea i sent her to school lookin a hot mess..... It took everything in my entire being to not dress her right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But I did not.................YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I am out of here for this week.. lots of pictures!!!!! 

A the park festival

YUM!!

At Park Festival= )

My two Pocahontas girls.. lol Siahna HAD to be like sissy  lol

Stuffin food in  lol

Me and my babies  awww

Samarra HAD to choose Benjamin Franklin as her book report!!!  lol But I have to say she looks GREAT!!!!  Thanks MOM!!!

Have an Awesome week!!!!!!!!!!

Aspergers...ODD...Why OH Why do i make stupid decisions!!! Oct.26, 2012

Happy Freakin COLD Friday!!!

Bbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

OK, and yet again, I DID TRY to post last week, but i could not get logged in!!!!!!!!!! So thank you for all of those of you who made sure I, we were ok= ) I never thought in a million years that my words were addictive  lolol Thank you for those of you who read my blog and send me email on suggestions! I got an awesome email from a wonderful girl who also has aspergers and is older. I really wished I had someone who is close and could maybe be a "Big Sister" for Samarra.

So where do I begin!!!!!!  Two weeks worth.. that cant happen or you would be here all day!!!!!!! I can say that in the whole realm of things............Not too bad... I guess I shouldn't say "bad" really, cause my life is not ever BAD, just challenging, stressful, mind numbing  lolol But, I am happy because that is my choice! = ) Also there are some very special people in my life who make it easy to be happy!!! And I love y'all!

I did however make a HUGE HUGE mistake last weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I even thought about it before I said yes!!! I also thought to myself, ok I will let her do this, I know it will cause issues but i decided i would deal with them.............

GUESS WHAT I DID NOT THINK OF????????????? Did you guess???  Yes, I only thought of me......I NEVER even thought how hard it would be on Samarra, even though she wanted to do it....... That is not the way I should have been thinking..........What the heck is wrong with me!!!

So here is the story........Samarra's cousin was over for a sleep over. Samarra at first was still going to sleep in her bed, but then last minute they decided to camp out in the living room.......Sounds fun huh!!!!  I thought well ok, that does sound fun and she wants it so much...........So like i said I thought it out for a moment and I said yes and proceeded to get a bunch of blankies and pillows and I must say I created the BEST blanky pillow mountain I think EVER!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank youy.. Thank you... (Takes a bow)lololol I SOOOOOOOOO wanted to jump off the couch and land on it, but i didnt in fear my old butt would break a hip or something  lolol But the girls had fun doing it.

Yes, i let them jump off the couch........That old thing would fall in pieces if i pulled it away from the wall for real!!!!!!!!  NO new things in my house until kids are gone!!!!  = )

Ok, so the night goes off well, got up got girls ready for church and off we went, went to eat came home finished the day off and about 5:30 Samarra starts..............There is only 3.5 hours until time for bed.........I am scared I cant do it..........AND IT WAS ON.......

(BACKGROUND ON THIS: Samarra has only been sleeping in her bed for about maybe 5 months now. She always slept on the couch because she can see my room and is centralized in the house. For some reason this gives her comfort..Well, for years I have put off dealing with her sleeping in this amazing bed she has.. it has real stairs a desk shelves, and a play area under it with a full bookshelf under there too! But the therapist said it was time.... So i did it, it was so BAD for about almost a month I think but we finally got it to where it was ok.)

Back to the story FYI... lol  So I PROMISE this child was coming to tell me almost every minute that passed and with every minute her anxiety level grew and grew!!!!!!!  I have a lot of people tell me I am patient, but I am telling you there was a divine intervention this night in my house!!!!!!!   

(Read this and think of angel music, whatever that is.. lol) AND THE HEAVENS SPLIT OPEN and down flew five angels this night one for each arm, one for each leg and one to shut my mouth.......lololol The angel light did make me look quite radiant though  lololol I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, wow for such a rough day, I look pretty good  lololol  ANYWAY.....Why do i venture off in my thoughts like that!!!!  GRRRRR ............

Sooooooooo again....I was so on edge i think I coulda snapped any moment.........ONLY thing i did, is once I told her, i am shutting my door and if you even touch my door to open it, you will loose your privileges to the computer all week..................Of course I used the MOMMY DEATH STARE..............and lowered my voice and looked at her and said............DO IT.. I dare you!   LOLOL  That is so grown up of me isn't it  lolol

SO i stayed in the room for like five minutes I think and then i was ready again....... So anyway time for bed and as I expected......................Crying, screaming kicking, hyperventilating, She acted as though i was sending her to her death!!!!!!!!!!  Rocking in her bed, has the blanket to her mouth screaming.. at least it muffled it!!  The whole time Siahna is sayin.. Sissy STOP IT!!!  Momma woop her!!!   lololol

And as always if I engage her 1. Dangerous for me. 2. It gets worse, I had to walk away........ This went on for about an hour and it finally stopped....Siahna was asleep during it!!!  WOW.. I sure was not, i was stuck like glue to the monitor camera I have in there to make sure girls are ok!!!!!!!!!  Well this went on ALL week a little less each night until last night!  Went to bed just fine!  I wanted to just start singing HALLELUJAH!!!!!! As loud as i could but then the kids would wake up! This must have been because the angels left and doesnt it always seem as if you see angels flying up there is some kind of hallelujah song????  Well maybe I just think this cause now i can not think of where I saw this or if i have.. lolol OH WELL.Must have seen it on Darlavision.... lolololol

OH GUESS WHAT????  Her cousins will be here tonight again.. GUESS WHERE Samarra will be sleeping even if she begs!!!  lolol  Yup.. the bed!!!!!!!!

WOW that was a long story!!! Sorry  lolol Try living it!  lololol

Only other thing this week was she has went back to talking like a baby sometimes and WONT allow me out of the room she is in!!!!!!!! I LIKE GOING TO THE BATHROOM ALONE!!!!!!!!  Oh and I love the questions while in there.. What are you doing... UMMMM going to the restroom...... lolol .......

Remember the death thing.. yea, still around... She was upset one day thinking about going to bed and she asked if she could watch a show she saw was coming on, "The Walking Dead" I actually watch it and LOVE IT!!!!!!  I told her no way!!  She said well at least there would be blood and people dying and stuff and it would make me happy...............WHAT???  Does anyone else find this to be odd???  Maybe a bit scary??? Concerned???  I guess I shouldn't, she does have Antie Jalaine in her some I think...... So maybe it is normal  lololol  Love you Jalaine= )

OK last thing I SWEAR!!!  Samarra had her last football game and of course as usual i was a nervous wreck!!! But, she had a blast!!!  About half way in, i calmed down and ate a pretzel, candy and popcorn.. LOL that is called stress eating!!!!!!!!!!  OMG i felt horrible later!  But I did have fun.. lol I cried one time.......I got caught up in just watching her out there trying to do what the rest were doing and she was so happy with a smile and she waved at me, and at that moment i have to say I was one of the happiest mothers ever........I just cant explain it...was wonderful! 

Have a full weekend coming!!  Sama has a trip with the church tonight with her cousin, tomorrow going to the park for a fall festival, church on Sunday, shoppin for some warm shoes and of course as always MY OCD wont allow me to take a break and not clean everything in my house again! I will be glad to come back to work on Monday!!!

Oh just so everyone knows.. I am having a surgery on Nov. 12, I will probably not write that week, maybe a quick Im fine thing....At the moment, i am scared to death!!!!!!!!!!!!..I will spare the surgery photos i am going to try and get someone to take so i can see it  lol Is that grose???    lolol

I do have some videos of Samarra's Pom Pom performances for you!!! and some other random pics= )

Just FYI, the cheer videos get kind of loud, so prepare!!

Click on the below links

Siahna Random Talk.. lol

Samarra being a Pom Pom girl = )

Samarra Pom Pom girl 2

Her hair down.... still not showing how long it really is.. but it is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!  Love the brown out i did...  it did not show anything but i thot i needed to anyway...  lol

DIVA!!!!!!!!

Her school picture  awwwwwwwww

Me in black and white.. kinda like it= )

And well not black and white  lol

Have a BOOtiful week!!!! 

Aspergers... ODD.... You want what??? LOL Oct. 12, 2012

Its Friday!!!

I say that like you don't know... LOL Although for some it is not according to their work schedule, but the calendar does say it is Friday sooo... lol

LOLOL.. just wait till you see me in them  !!!

Soooooo.. I am happy to report this week has been GREAT!!! We only had one, all-be-it MAJOR meltdown. There was only one!!!!!!! The rest of the time was just normal everyday dealings!!  WOO HOO!!!

Oh and on the situation where a person asked me to not bring Samarra to the event .... Well, we will be going this weekend and NOTHING else has been said to me about it.... I guess i made myself pretty clear and I did not even have to turn into crazy mom to do it!!  So my question is, how do I get over it now??  It happened, cant take it back and  I will NEVER forget. I guess this is one of those moments that I have to decide to forgive and get past it or decide i am done..........

So I have already forgiven them because it is not good to walk around with anger, that makes for an unhappy life AND it causes wrinkles.. WHICH by the way I SWEAR i got some !!!!!!!!! ( I really dont swear) I may be more mad about that!!!!!!!!  lololol   OK, not really more mad, but i did get a wrinkle... But yes I did forgive, but I haven't put it behind me so did I really forgive yet???  PONDERING..............

So moving forward.. lol  This is so funny to me and maybe it shouldn't be...............THE MELTDOWN......Da Da DUMMMM.... LOLOL......As always we are great, watching Wheel of Fortune like we always do.. Smarra thinks this is VERY important to our day!!!!!! And it gets over and all is happy in the Lindauer home.........I THOUGHT...........Out of no where Samarra get mad...........She is crying and yelling and on the couch which is where she usually goes or to her bed..............SHE WANTS A BROTHER!!!    OK, So at this point this is an IMPOSSIBLE request!.....I tell her NO can do.................She yells "you could if you wanted too" I say.. No honey I cant even if i wanted too.................Oh did I mention she wants an OLDER brother??? I tell her I would have had to have him before silly..................I am not silly, this is not right. other people have big brothers and I want one..............Honey.. I cant.............Well ADOPT one for me!!  LOLOL well this is the time I bow out of the conversation.. She continues on with i just dont understand and how statistically (where she gets her statistics from I dont know?) That younger girls are better with older brothers....... WHO KNEW?? And once again I am being blamed for this.. Again How can I be such a cruel mother!!!!!!!  lolol

Well, i found this to be so ridiculous and funny i was cracking up in the middle of it and she did not like that at all which made it worse so that is my fault and that is when the throwing started and the kicking and the danger to go near began... I just left= )  And as usual, like a light being turned off, it was done and no more has been said......

So although it was a meltdown I found it to be quite humorous for me anyway............Yes, I get that it was important to her!  But still NO can do!!  = )

The only other thing this past week is, we had Siahna's 3rd birthday party....AWWWWWWWW.....So of course I decorated for it and prepared things...........THE WHOLE TIME I was letting Samarra help me and she kept saying.........This is not how you do this, you didn't do this for mine........We are suppose to decorate it the same.........You love her more, I like this better..........We need to make it just like mine...........this is not right..........Oh, she gets a cake and i had cup cakes............So she is going behind me changing things!!!!  GRRRR.. well so it ended up being almost the same as hers with a few minor details....  CRAZY CHILD  lolol

So I would say this week was an amazing success!!!!!!!!!!  Mommy confession time..........Why cant I just except it was good and move on......Why am i scared of what is going to happen next week because this one was good?????  I hate that!..........I am already dreading the Friday night fight with her about going out to eat and actually it did not happen the last two weeks after years of it happening..... Surely I am not the only one who prepares for the worst....

I sometimes forget how intelligent she is..........We were talking about donuts and in my sentence i said 24 donuts instead of 2 dozen because I am talking to her and 8 year old.............lol Samarra says...... WOW...You would think with how old you are you would know it is 2 dozen mom!... lololol  I said well honey I did not know if you knew that.. She says. I know more than you.  I know ...... and she starts rattling off things related to donuts and counting.. lol  OH speaking of counting the counting is back!!!!!!!!! DON'T SAY second, minute, hour, or day, or anything specific or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!  lol.

You know i realized something this week...............call me stupid but i just realized that unless Samarra is over excited, over mad, or in a meltdown, she NEVER has any sign of emotion on her face unless prompted to................Just an interesting observation. Siahna is soooooooooooooooooo animated !!!!!!!!!!!! Samarra still asks me if I am happy or sad, she has a hard time knowing unless i go to extremes....

Here we are this week ENJOY!!

ARRRRGGGGG.. but this is real pretty actually to me= )

Sissy's shoes, lookin fine  lolol

LOOK!!!!!!!!  She has clothes on!!!!!!!!!  And of course her glasses!

She got a little shy and was looking at Samarra for guidance  awwwww

Sub-Human Jalaine and her daughter Jessie.. Beautiful!

That hair looks RED!!!

Umm, Guess I have nothing to say here...

LOLOL, I walked up to Aaron and said... I think i need to getmy eyes checked.... things seem to be blurry and i dont know why.. He looks up at me at this moment and bout falls out laughing , he says.. You sre SOOOOOOOO Stooooopid!!.. There is something wrong with you.. LOLOLOL

Present # 1...

And a second... There was more, but do you really need pics of all of it???  lol

I be a pirate!  awww

Party decorations.. part of it anyway= )

Have an Awesome week!!!!!!!!!!!

Aspergers...ODD...Can I say... WOO HOO for at least 3 days?!!! Oct. 5, 2012

Happy Almost Weekend!!!

So, today I am going to start with something that has been bothering me.. OK that is an understatement! I am MADDER than heck!!! I try not to write things that involve other people as it is not my place nor is this the place to speak of others........So, no names....

I am in a situation right now.. well really I am not cause as you may know me, this is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!
There is an event coming up where I have been asked to NOT have Samarra there!!!!!!!!!!!! Siahna, ok, Samarra no..... OK don't you feel your blood boiling right at this very moment?????????????  Me too!!!!!

It is one of those moments that you have to make an internal decision FAST on how you react to this situation....Well, You will be proud of me in that I did not loose my mind........ I was an adult about it and listened to the concerns, then i reacted.  GO ME GO ME.

So the reason............Samarra has a tendency to attach on to people, new ones especially! She pretty much invades their space, bombards them with questions, usually very personal questions you don't ask people on meeting them or maybe ever. Makes comments you should never make ever, well unless sit is me and Jalaine. lol we don't care what each other says  lol BUT....!!! She likes to hug a lot, she likes to be their main focus. She will bring up things that don't relate to anything that is being talked about or going on.. You know the random thoughts that don't go with anything really. She likes to sit real close to them, stair at them. Ask them to play with her.. Even if it is a grown man......

YES, this is my daughter........... Yes, I have worked hard at controlling some of these things and she is doing very well!!!!! An example when she hugs someone she has to say 1..2.. then let go. before she wouldn't let go unless i physically detached her from them.........SEE PROGRESS!!   When I ask her not to she gets upset sometimes, but she gets over it. So, there you have it.. those are the reasons.....Samarra has an amazing ability to make people feel very uncomfortable! I have actually sat back at family functions and seen her do these things and even in that setting i get uncomfortable for the person. Yea, I remind her then too, but I think family should just get over it.. lolol

So you ready for my response? Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How bout I tell you what I wanted to react like.... lol It is way more fun!!!
I wished at that moment I could bring on the exorcist look and let my head spin around and my voice go real deep and fire shoot out my eyes and say................... HELL NO, SHE WILL be there! And I don't give a CRAP about anyone who may be there and if they don't like it I don't care either.. AND HOW DARE YOU ask me that!!! YOU SHALLOW MINDED SELF CENTERED %$#%^&**@#(*@&W#*@^*.....  I wouldn't really cuss ya know..lololol........ But it felt good writing it!  lololol If you are embarrassed of her and more worried about what others think then you have the problem!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALK AWAY and never speak to them again!

But OK, i did not, I did the mature grown up nice version my mom brought me up to be like and I basically said the same things, but i also added that I always watch her and I do my best to not make anyone uncomfortable!!!!!!!! I know I am in the right on this.........And you know what???  The people there 9 times out of 10 will not care at all..........I don't walk around and announce that Samarra has some challenges, but ya know sometimes it is better to just let them know......... I have decided we WILL be there no matter what at this point  lololol

OK lets be happy shall we.. It's Friday.........And like I said even with the negative, we still have a choice.. so lets be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!  *BIG CHEESE GRIN*

Last Friday we went to Samarra's Fall Festival at school and I have to say it was one of the better organized ones I have ever been to!!!  MY OCD LOVED IT!!  Usually I want to start takin charge!!  lol But this time we just played.. We won some cup cakes in the cake walk!!!!  YUMMY!!!  I think I ate 4 out of 10 of them  lol  OH WELL!

Then on Saturday The girls and I and their nanna and grandpa went to Chuckie Cheese!!! OH FUN!!  Actually is was not bad, get there early and we were almost the only ones there!!! It was kinda for Siahna's b-day, but kinda just because= )  Siahna said.. I DON'T like big Chuckie Cheese!! But i like pizza!  lolol

I got a cute video of Samarra and her cousin dancin with Chuckie Cheese and a REALLY boring video of the girls on a teacup spin ride  lolol= ) 

Teacup ride video

Chuckie Cheese Dance video

So update on the medicine increase.......We are still doing a LOT better!!!!!!!!!!! First three days.. a BREEZE! The fourth day.........I have no idea what happened but it was meltdown city at my house when it came time for bed..........AGAIN, she acted like someone was stabbing her to death and screaming and yelling for me not to leave her...And all up in the corner covering her head.....I tried hard to figure out why and I couldn't!!!!!!!!!! The before I lost my mind i went in the room and i looked at everything in there and guess what???  Siahna had opened the window shade a little and there was a shine on the wall from it.......I shut it, she stopped..........She went to sleep...........

OK>> REALLY???????? See I would think it would be easier to just say......Will you close the blinds........ NO, that is not how it works............. Wish I knew how her mind worked.. It cant be easy......!!!

As far as her behavior it has been I would say normal.. she is 8, she is not going to be perfect! Last night was a mess for about an hour because i made different chicken, and she was refusing to eat it cause it was not the same........... It was the chicken from Blue and Gold, which is yummy FYI.. BUT it was new......HOW DARE I AS A MOTHER FORCE MY CHILD TO EAT DIFFERENT CHICKEN!  WHERE was  I raised to be such a monster!!!lolololol....But on a positive note she did not throw it across the room.. lolol I just walked away as usual to let her have her meltdown. Oh in about 30 min or so, i think longer it just stopped and she ate it.............  AGAIN I SAY WHY?????????

LOL, funny though Siahna says a few times.. MOM, Samarra needs a woopin!   lololololol

So, I would say the week was pretty good.....  I have Siahna's little party on Sunday this week, she is # YEARS OLD!!!.. I will take pics!!! She has said for months she wants a brown and pink birthday!
 
Well here we are!!!

SHE climbed up by herself this year!!!!!!!!!! Been workin on those muscles!!!

The moment i get so excited and hope they are being nice!!!

Took her a few to climb up, I kept seeing her head pop up and her sayin I cant get up!!!  lololol

Yea, Siahna was NOT havin any part of stickin her arm up the nose for a prize!!

YAY!! Our cake walk winnings!!!  Yea, iIate 4!!! Not on one day though.

I decided to put them in Chuckie Cheese jail  lol 

I think i look like clay in this one??

Smooth and yellow looking  lol

DOA!!  She stopped breathing in her sleep... Samarra informed me... lol I did good on her though!

First Chuckie Cheese game for Siahna!

Samarra went right in  lolol

This is boring mom.. lol

Waiting for the cake walk.. if she knew we would win cup cakes,, she would be a lot happier  lololol

Have an awesome week!!!