Aspergers...ODD... Adoption?? OK, probably not the best idea lol June 22, 2012

Short week....

BUT

T.G.I.F.!!!

Fish face  lolol

 So I guess it has been 2 weeks now, and man has it been a ride........As usual, some great, some fun, some sad, some just blah, and some very stressful.

So the first week I spent most of my days off getting ready to go to the family reunion. I pack with the mind-set of what can or will go wrong and try to plan accordingly.  Of course as always things can not be predicted....

Samarra's excitement during this time almost drove me to the breaking point.. it is all she is talking about and doing.. starting with that Sunday or Monday I got to hear the whole weeks schedule probably more than 10 or more times a day.....  I wanted to scream!!!!!!!!  But I just said yes honey, that is what we are going to do. Not so much the schedule, but she would insist on me doing nothing but listening to her only during those times....  I was like HONEY.. I can hear you and do things..... OH and don't forget the screaming and clapping... OH THE CLAPPING!!!!!!!!   And the jumping and hitting on accident. And the crying.............yes............crying..............

BUT

I do have to say..........I got my sister to take her for the couple days before we left!!!!!!!!!! OMG thank GOD!!!

And we are off.... The ride down there was great for me, but I am not sure about mother.. she got all the kids in her car and I had my sister ride with me.

We went to the Western Hills Guest Ranch, it was pretty cool. Once I got us settled in it pretty much started....All Samarra wanted to do was swim and eat.  She did really well at times, but i did get very very stressed out a few times and had to take the girls back to the room for a time out.. I know it sucks but i just let her cry for a while and then it seemed to go away.......I guess I probably should have cried too, maybe it would have helped me, but i was kind of on edge the whole weekend...

I mean I am sure you will see why the time out was needed............I did a horrible thing.......I said we were going to go to the game room and check it out before we went BACK to the pool...........................OMG the NERVE of me to suggest something so horrible!!!!  How could I ever put my OWN children through so much misery........ What kind of a mother am I???????????? 

LOLOLOLOL

I am just sayin...........this is what caused the major time out..................All i can say is I thank GOD for my room with a balcony I can smoke on!!!  Got to the room secured the door, cause Samarra kept leaving... and i went to balcony and shut the door and left her in the room crying until she stopped. I am not sure but i think i chain smoked until she walked out the door and said to me..................OK, lets go to the game room first and then we will go swimming............    I wished I did not smoke, but it is times like these I LOVE IT!

DEEP BREATHS.................................. 

See she gets to get over it, but with every second it is happening my whole insides and brain are tightening up and i am just ready to explode! AND, it gets the baby going...........So both of them were crying.........Anyway....

I loved seeing my family, did not get to interact much with them, but it was nice... When we headed back, again mom had the girls and DeAnn rode with me. So i feel bad for mom= (...

It is sad to say, I was happy to get back cause I had an OCD project just waiting on me. I took two days off just to do it!!!!!!!

I got the old clothes and old shoes out of the girls room!!!!!!!!!!!  I am so happy i did it, i just love going in there now!   Mentally I am so cleansed from that stress.....!!!!!!!  Seriously i did a happy dance in the room!!!  lol

I think i have been through a lot of stress the last few days.. i think i coped by getting quiet.... I have had like six people ask me if I was ok.= (  I did not know i was acting different...   I actually did notice that i had more of an "I don't care" attitude as  the days go...

Last night we went out to eat with my family again for my sisters last night here before she left for Florida. And Samarra knew the "fun" was about to end and she decided to go even farther and tell me how much everyone else is so much better than me and how other peoples houses are more fun and how i am the reason things are so bad cause I don't ever do anything fun with her. Just in a very angry mode and I of course am the target. I even got the "if you were dead" talk and the sicko eye look...........thinking I need to put the knives up again maybe....

I very calmly said...........You know what...........I think our best option at this point is to just put you up for adoption............She says at first.... No you wont... just try it!.......................I will bring the papers home tomorrow ..............................NO!!...................... I said yea.. I think so, cause it is the same thing all the time on how horrible I am and how our house is no fun and you have nothing, so.......... Lets see if we can find you someone new...............She is crying and yelling NO I love you mom............I said.. I did not ever say you didn't love me nor did I say I did not love you.. but we cant resolve this conflict and your never going to be happy even though you love me so i think it is best............

She then flips it around......  Crying and very upset.. I like our house and my sister and my stuff and I love you and you do let me do stuff....  I just looked at her and said.... Samarra.. You know i am not being serious.. I just wanted you to know you have options, so stay and be happy or see if you can find better, We can ask Aunt DeAnn if she will, but I am tellin ya now.. that's a NO!

Well say it..............I am a bad parent..............But ya know what................IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!  She was pretty good the rest of the night, i think in fear of me really doing it, but it made for a better night for me..........Although it was only for about an hour and a half............... to me sometimes that is an eternity!!!!!

Well there are just too many things to write about and i am going to be busy today!!! I think I am just as happy as I was two weeks ago, but i know that as a mother of a child with ODD especially, I feel like I am not up to par on this thing and I feel like I am loosing the battle mostly.............I think that is why i may be being quiet........... I think it might be time to call the therapist back............FOR ME!

Anyway........... Here are some pics of our last weeks= )

I HATE bridges!!!!!!!!!!

Elizabeth, Samarra, and Siahna. in elevator

Back to work I go......= (

Getin nails did...  lol SEE I dont EVER take her to do anything!!!!!

OK, What you don't see in this photo is that her eyes are blood shot from crying cause she wants to be at the pool and how boring it is there, and how horrible I am.......When I took the pic, i told her i was going to take it so I could show everyone the faces she was making and she quick did this............

Samarra playing with the owners little boy at nail shop

Siahna getting tired at family reunion watchin Uncle Dwain's cartoons with headset.. it was funny when he put them on her she did move a muscle in her neck if she looked away she only moved her eyes  lololol

OOPs fell asleep.. Got Uncle Dwain, my brother, watching for her to fall over  lol

I am helping= )

Crouching Siahna , squished dragon.. lololol

Stickers.. YAY!!

Have an AWESOME WEEK!!!!!!

Aspergers, ODD, Guess the Little House on the Prarie punishment is working better than I thought!! Ma! June 8, 2012

Good Morning FRIDAY!!!

and 

PAYDAY!!!

This IS Samarra!!!!!!

I hope all is well with everyone out there!!

OK, I am going to start by saying................. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Can I get a mulligan PLEASE!!  I promise I think this doing what is right stuff is getting harder!!!!!!!!! That child of mine can pull an argument out of the most simple thing!!!!!!!!!

Why are we going backwards here! Am I slackin or is she getting smarter?? She has had me fighting over a CUP before I realized i was arguing............We were fighting over a ball and I actually stayed in that one the longest.............I am talking about her coming at me with threats which bshe knows will get me HOTTER than a piece of lit coal with in a second.....  I mean WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

Samarra walks up and says..............I am going to pull all. the cups out of the cabinet and break them......... So I am not quick enough apparently I react... OH HECK NO YOUR NOT!!!!!!........  Why not we don't use those.............Me: cause that is silly, and it would be dangerous......... You can clean it up..........Me: It is too hard to clean up glass..........OK, then i will do just one, as she walks to the cabinet........Me: Don't you dare........I am......................Then it clicks.................Me: I am not having this conversation and if you even touch the cabinet I will bust your butt for putting us all in danger!.............. Samarra: runs off , you NEVER let me have fun! And is crying.............

Another, she wants to bounce a ball in the house as hard as she can........... I am going to bounce this ball and watch it go all over the house.......Me: No your not cause it could hit something.............Like what?  Me: the TV..............Not even close to it..............Me: still it could hit it............if your dumb and don't know how to throw, um I am in the kitchen............Me: well you could hit the stuff in here.............Um the table is wood and the floor is fine......................Me: you could jit the ceiling fan or the microwave..............The fan is on that side and the microwave is not close to me.........................Me: or the stove................They make it good enough it wont break................. ONLY NOW did i catch on........... Me: that's it!!!!!!!!!!!! I am NOT playing this argue game with you! She smiles and guess what.. throws the ball.............. GRRRRRR

So yup you guessed it......................it is that time................. TIME TO BEGIN THE EXORCIST LOOK!!!!!!!!!   I know my whole insides felt like I was in the movie aliens and i had an alien about to come out of my chest..........heart all racing..........face all red......... ME: Samarra Why did you do that...........To prove to you nothing would break.. I was right and you were wrong...........

OH LAWD JESUS HELP ME AND THIS CHILD!!!!!!  lololol

I seriously had no intelligent thought at this moment..............none..........NADA.....  zip........  lolol
I did the WRONG THING... but I was so mad, cause she had just won this argument and made me feel kinda small........ I walked away......Later I took her iPod away for two days............She didn't care..

But it was not just those.. it happened a lot, some even where things she was going to do to the baby.....OH and intentionally telling Samarra to do something she knows will make me mad...like when i go to take the trash out she tells the baby, mommy wants you to go out with her.. go....  I SO DON'T WANT her to go cause she will cry when i come back in 2 seconds later.............Or something as simple as.. Siahna mommy is going to give us cookies for dinner............SERIOUSLY???........... like I would do that, and guess what, now that is what Siahna wants.. she is just being MEAN, upsetting her sister and making me mad, and when it happens she sits over there and says.. YES.!!!!.   Like she is thinking mission accomplished....................JUST DEFIANT!!!

Mommy confessional time.........I am not as confident as I was a month ago.........I feel like I loosing control again at times and I think I may need to go back to the therapist to teach me how to grow with Samarra.... She is such a loving child and just sweet as can be at times and she obeys me, she is good in church, stores, other peoples houses mostly........but when she gets bored.........WATCH OUT!   I can not keep her entertained 24/7 and neither can my mom.  I am not a big fan of crying, I think it causes wrinkles!!!!!!

I feel a very motivational piece of advice coming...............No matter how bad off I think i may have it, QUITE a few have it so much worse and I hate that.....But, I feel so blessed in what I have. I am not a big fan of "possessions", those are an OCD's nightmare!!!  lol But for my family, friends and job, house and clothes and food. Good to take a step back sometimes and look at what you DO have and have accomplished rather than what you don't have or have not accomplished yet= )

OK< now that the motivational part is over, i just thought about fruit loops!!!...........OM Gosh they are so good and I have not had them in YEARS!!!  I feel a shopping trip coming on.......... But I did notice that i had gotten quiet  this week, not really wanting to talk a lot... Thinking a lot more........And mind racing like an ADHD brain on crack!  I do not say that to make fun of it, I serious have more than 5 or more thoughts at a time sometimes and i have to actually stop and refocus it.!!

Why is it, when you want to loose weight, you eat more! Maybe it is just me, but i steady loose weight anyway, but the other day I decided ok, seriously.. lets try it for real and get it off a bit quicker.........I have never eaten so much in a single day of my life!!!!!!!!!  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!!!!  So NO MORE TRYING to loose weight.. just do what I do...If i don't i will be big as a house!!!!!!

So the good part of the week!!!...  We got to go to the zoo!!!!!!  It stopped raining and we had a great time!! Samarra even helped her friend Jessie get up some hills.. She d3cided to use her wheel chair this year...... there was only one thing she didn't get to do and she did NOT have a break down!! We went with Margaret , who works for me and is AWESOME, her two daughters Jessie and Lizzy...

Remember how I said we were trying out the "Little House on the Prairie" punishment, where she has to keep up with a garden.. quite big actually.. lol She has babies growing!!!  But she also started watching the show on TV.........LOLOL............So for all of you out there that think i am over protective on what Samarra watches on tv.................HERE is why..............She will pull anything she can from other people or TV shows on how she is suppose to act and copy it................I am now called "Ma" and daddy is "Pa" and our bathroom is the out-house on the inside...lolol  She is so funny! 

So overall i would say pretty normal.. we did have an ALMOST biting incident when she got excited yesterday before we went to my best friends house............BUT I was QUICK LIKE NINJA!!!! and grabbed her face before it made contact and then grabbed her arms and put them down to her side and i said SAMARRA SAMarra.. calm down.... I know you excited.. calm down calm down... as she is jumping up and down and squealing......... GRRrrrr a hate the squeal!  Anyway.. handled and we left.  She stayed the night over there, so just mommy and baby last night................Amazing how quiet and calm a house can be............But I missed her anyway  lolol  I am a sucker for chaos and adrenaline rushes I guess... lol

Well This may be the MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL READ IN THIS POST!!!

Are you ready????

I am going out of town next week for a family reunion!!!!!!!!!!  I MAY or may not be able to post on Friday.. I may move it to Thursday, or I may wait till I get back the next Wed. to post so you can hear and see out adventures in a hotel room!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not looking forward to planning it all to be up by 5:30 a.m.  and still have breakfast and pills ready by 6 a.m...........sigh.. OH WELL= )

My Ballerina!! Reminds me of Little Miss Sunshine  lolol

Um a Giraffe.. lol

Look at me Ma, I'm doing it!!!

MA!!!  LOL

Love the police horses..........um and the police men  lol

LOLOL  what else can I say.. lol

She is just too cute!

Siahna, Lizzy, Samarra, and Jessi..At the zoo.. lol Obviously 

Lizzy.. sayin   WOOOOOO...  lol

This is a picture of a picture, hence the light spot  lol We all lookin a bit mis-shapin cause i was holding it  lolol They took this at the zoo= )

 Have an awesome week !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH AND

THUNDER UP!!  BABY!!!

Aspergers, ODD I Don't like knives in my tummy!!! June 1, 2012

GOOD MORNING!!!

Happy 1st day of June and Friday!!!

My little wet rat baby= )

 Sooooooo.. I feel like I need a moment please.... I deserve it dangit!!

My first thing........ my post last week said Zombie Friday... I think I may have predicted the "zombie attack" in Florida  lololol  You have to admit that was weird!!!!!!

Second thing.....I HATE HATE HATE........did I say hate???  KNIVES in my stomach feeling..........OMGosh I had the worst stomach virus I think I have ever had.........All i had to do was move and i got nauseated........felt like I had little virus monsters in my stomach just slicing my insides out!!!!!!! Also, my back hurt, and my tummy was BLOATED!!!!!!!  I am pretty sure the viruses were having babies in there cause I looked pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!  I had on pants I wear just fine, no muffin top nothing  lololol.. WELL I guess it started Wednesday, cause at work.......omgoodness..... (embarrassing moment that I don't even know why I am saying it.) I went to my car and totally had to UN-button my pant and just lay there with the pain.........Yes.. I realized at this moment I was not well and I buttoned em up, went upstairs and got my stuff and WENT HOME!!

Anyway, I am better now, but it made me miss going to my sub-human's house for Taco's!!!!!!!!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....  Of course that set Samarra off too... She was not a happy camper...

So I actually sent her on a day trip to Andy's Alligator yesterday with Meadowood Baptist Church, which has a great kid and baby program by the way, and she had a blast all day....... Then comes home and says... cant wait to go to Auntie's tonight........I of course said.....We cant go honey, mommies tummy hurts and I am not gettin everyone sick.

DU DUM DUM...  lolol

And she is off....... We ARE GOING!!!, You said we were going and we are, i don't care if you don't feel well.........  Me, (yes I am still calm)......No honey we are not.......... Well you can stay here cause I am going, I will walk..........  Me: I laugh, no you wont...........Now screaming and shaking her hands.. have I mentioned when she gets upset she shakes her hands or claps?? Very annoying !!!!  And she says.............. CALL AUNTIE AND TELL HER TO COME GET ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!  YOU SAID WE WERE GOING!!!!

Honey, I cant fix that I am sick..................... She says....... WELL, you shouldn't have done something stupid enough to get sick in the first place! What are you ignorant??  She is crying now and rocking....... Saying over and over.. I am going, I am going..

You know.........I am not really sure what I look like when all this is happening, but I am pretty sure I may look like the spawn of the deepest darkest demon ever............Siahna just watches all this and is looking at me in fear.............Even she knows this is not going well....................She tries to comfort Samarra which is very dangerous cause Samarra will lash out at anyone who gets near her during times like these......... And if that happens I know I will snap!

See, this is where i get to make a decision, but it is also where divine intervention I believe comes into play.......And I must say............it may not be right...........I may be a horrible mother, and you can give me the most negative feedback if you like and I simply don't care............ I changed the plans and I know better, but you know what.. that is life and it happens so get used to it......

Punishment at this moment is not going to help............DISTRACTIONS DO............. So YAY for me, i didn't even yell...........I actually was in a panic on what to do a bit........... and it hit me.............We are going to the Zoo tonight and she didn't know yet...............So I say............Honey we are going to the zoo tomorrow after work...........it takes about 5 min more for her to stop all her actions and she calms down..........Siahna walks over and says...........are you done now???   SAD....  anyway.. then she looks at me and says........We are going to the zoo??  Then after all that I put a restriction on her and she says.......That was smart to do that after it is over mom, I don't think my brain could have handled it before...........  NICE....and GRRRRR

And if you read my blog quite a bit, you know what happened then..........Went from an anger meltdown to a happy meltdown..............She started clapping and stomping and grabbing me and jumping (did not bite)and ended up on the couch screaming from an overload of excitement...........

Well............I don't like either of them!!!!!!!!!!! But the later is better and less blood pressure raising!

Siahna says during this.............Samawwa!!!  GO TO YU WOOM and STOP! You need time owt!!!

Just FYI, I love the  night at the zoo where they make a special free event for children with special needs.........The atmosphere there during this time is so comforting ........Every family has a child with a special need and no one is staring.. no one looks at you funny if your child decides to drop down and scream.. very pleasant, VERY nice.. wish the whole world could be like this night....  No criticism, no color, just a automatic bond of some sorts....... AWESOME!

Well the rest of the week before that was pretty good............ On the holiday I called my sister and I was like.. PLEASE save me!!!!!!!!! Let Samarra stay the night with you!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY.. she said yes....... So I got a break from having two for a while..........Siahna has such a different personality when Samarra is not there.......same, but different....

Well I set up a little play area for the girls to play in the water and I got this so WAY cool Mega Rocket.. I really am going to have to go get some more of those.. It is so fun.. Aaron and I were competing on who got it to go the highest!  I SO WON!!  lol Seriously this thing went so high you could just barely see it, then when it is comin down you had to be like bobbin and weavin to try and stay out of the path of it........... FUN!!!!!!!!!

We did a lot RANDOM DANCING, from iCarly if you don't know what it is....  Basically just out of the blue, you yell RANDOM DANCING.. in a deep echo voice is better.. lolol.. and you have to stop whatever your doing and dance.. to nothing  lolol

See I am a WAY COOL MOMMY.........Aaron says I am a bent twig and the girls take after me.. I do a lot of just stoooooopid stuff around the house and we just be crackin up all the time.....Yes, sometimes I am the only one laughing.. but.... oh well. lolol.............I think my insane craziness counter acts the serious stuff i deal with all the time.......... So there you have it another week of me and my saga....... I did not cry this week!!!!!  No one got hurt this week!!!!!!! I did yell a couple times and get a bit short tempered, but managed to snap out of it...........So all in all........I would say it was a success!!!!  WOO HOOO

So here is some of my week in pictures= ) 

Me on May 31.. Home sicko with knives in my tummy!!!!!

I love this face of hers... It usually goes with a deep voice .. lolol

Siahna.... Ridin the whale!!

Girls in the play pool= )

Me in my new boots.... LOVE THEM!!!  Samarra says... mom, you look like a fat super model in that, you just need to hike up the skirt a bit....  WOW  lololol  This one is for her.... I think that was a compliment...........confused look...

 Have an awesome week everyone!!