Diary of an Asperger's Mom: Aspergers...ODD... Adoption?? OK, probably not the best idea lol June 22, 2012

Short week....

BUT

T.G.I.F.!!!

Fish face lolol

So I guess it has been 2 weeks now, and man has it been a ride........As usual, some great, some fun, some sad, some just blah, and some very stressful.

So the first week I spent most of my days off getting ready to go to the family reunion. I pack with the mind-set of what can or will go wrong and try to plan accordingly. Of course as always things can not be predicted....

Samarra's excitement during this time almost drove me to the breaking point.. it is all she is talking about and doing.. starting with that Sunday or Monday I got to hear the whole weeks schedule probably more than 10 or more times a day..... I wanted to scream!!!!!!!! But I just said yes honey, that is what we are going to do. Not so much the schedule, but she would insist on me doing nothing but listening to her only during those times.... I was like HONEY.. I can hear you and do things..... OH and don't forget the screaming and clapping... OH THE CLAPPING!!!!!!!!   And the jumping and hitting on accident. And the crying.............yes............crying..............

BUT

I do have to say..........I got my sister to take her for the couple days before we left!!!!!!!!!! OMG thank GOD!!!

And we are off.... The ride down there was great for me, but I am not sure about mother.. she got all the kids in her car and I had my sister ride with me.

We went to the Western Hills Guest Ranch, it was pretty cool. Once I got us settled in it pretty much started....All Samarra wanted to do was swim and eat. She did really well at times, but i did get very very stressed out a few times and had to take the girls back to the room for a time out.. I know it sucks but i just let her cry for a while and then it seemed to go away.......I guess I probably should have cried too, maybe it would have helped me, but i was kind of on edge the whole weekend...

I mean I am sure you will see why the time out was needed............I did a horrible thing.......I said we were going to go to the game room and check it out before we went BACK to the pool...........................OMG the NERVE of me to suggest something so horrible!!!! How could I ever put my OWN children through so much misery........ What kind of a mother am I????????????

LOLOLOLOL

I am just sayin...........this is what caused the major time out..................All i can say is I thank GOD for my room with a balcony I can smoke on!!! Got to the room secured the door, cause Samarra kept leaving... and i went to balcony and shut the door and left her in the room crying until she stopped. I am not sure but i think i chain smoked until she walked out the door and said to me..................OK, lets go to the game room first and then we will go swimming............    I wished I did not smoke, but it is times like these I LOVE IT!

DEEP BREATHS..................................

See she gets to get over it, but with every second it is happening my whole insides and brain are tightening up and i am just ready to explode! AND, it gets the baby going...........So both of them were crying.........Anyway....

I loved seeing my family, did not get to interact much with them, but it was nice... When we headed back, again mom had the girls and DeAnn rode with me. So i feel bad for mom= (...

It is sad to say, I was happy to get back cause I had an OCD project just waiting on me. I took two days off just to do it!!!!!!!

I got the old clothes and old shoes out of the girls room!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy i did it, i just love going in there now!   Mentally I am so cleansed from that stress.....!!!!!!! Seriously i did a happy dance in the room!!! lol

I think i have been through a lot of stress the last few days.. i think i coped by getting quiet.... I have had like six people ask me if I was ok.= ( I did not know i was acting different...   I actually did notice that i had more of an "I don't care" attitude as the days go...

Last night we went out to eat with my family again for my sisters last night here before she left for Florida. And Samarra knew the "fun" was about to end and she decided to go even farther and tell me how much everyone else is so much better than me and how other peoples houses are more fun and how i am the reason things are so bad cause I don't ever do anything fun with her. Just in a very angry mode and I of course am the target. I even got the "if you were dead" talk and the sicko eye look...........thinking I need to put the knives up again maybe....

I very calmly said...........You know what...........I think our best option at this point is to just put you up for adoption............She says at first.... No you wont... just try it!.......................I will bring the papers home tomorrow ..............................NO!!...................... I said yea.. I think so, cause it is the same thing all the time on how horrible I am and how our house is no fun and you have nothing, so.......... Lets see if we can find you someone new...............She is crying and yelling NO I love you mom............I said.. I did not ever say you didn't love me nor did I say I did not love you.. but we cant resolve this conflict and your never going to be happy even though you love me so i think it is best............

She then flips it around...... Crying and very upset.. I like our house and my sister and my stuff and I love you and you do let me do stuff.... I just looked at her and said.... Samarra.. You know i am not being serious.. I just wanted you to know you have options, so stay and be happy or see if you can find better, We can ask Aunt DeAnn if she will, but I am tellin ya now.. that's a NO!

Well say it..............I am a bad parent..............But ya know what................IT WORKED!!!!!!!!! She was pretty good the rest of the night, i think in fear of me really doing it, but it made for a better night for me..........Although it was only for about an hour and a half............... to me sometimes that is an eternity!!!!!

Well there are just too many things to write about and i am going to be busy today!!! I think I am just as happy as I was two weeks ago, but i know that as a mother of a child with ODD especially, I feel like I am not up to par on this thing and I feel like I am loosing the battle mostly.............I think that is why i may be being quiet........... I think it might be time to call the therapist back............FOR ME!

Anyway........... Here are some pics of our last weeks= )

I HATE bridges!!!!!!!!!!

Elizabeth, Samarra, and Siahna. in elevator

Back to work I go......= (

Getin nails did... lol SEE I dont EVER take her to do anything!!!!!

OK, What you don't see in this photo is that her eyes are blood shot from crying cause she wants to be at the pool and how boring it is there, and how horrible I am.......When I took the pic, i told her i was going to take it so I could show everyone the faces she was making and she quick did this............

Samarra playing with the owners little boy at nail shop

Siahna getting tired at family reunion watchin Uncle Dwain's cartoons with headset.. it was funny when he put them on her she did move a muscle in her neck if she looked away she only moved her eyes lololol