Diary of an Asperger's Mom: Aspergers, ODD...Fireworks.. snap. crackle..meltdown! July 6, 2012

We get two Friday's !!!! Kinda...

Apparently the buzz is QUITE funny!! lololol

WOW!! This holiday on a Wed. messed with my head!!!

OK, so yea.........I did miss last week.. SORRY!!! WHEW work was so busy and my schedule was so crazy due to the elections and such... When the elections come around my team and I help with making sure the web site is the most quick on returns on votes and winners. But that meant working late, going in late, just all messed up!!!

It has been a roller coaster ride though!!! Funny enough not bad enough to remember all of it.. so that is good......lolol.. or as i have said many times.. i think it is just my brain shutting down on me.. OLD AGE!!!! BLAH!

Oh here is an example..........AND VERY EXITING NEWS!!!!!! Samarra had her first NON family member sleep over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOT WHOOT!! And guess what???? No one died!!!!!!!!!! AND.........They asked her to come back!!!!!!!!!

People have asked me how did she do before.. I am like.. forget how she was I was a nervous wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stress eating.. Nachos of course.......lolol I was not sleeping.........I packed her bag to go and my mom called me from home the first time..........Darla.. Did you know you put in Siahnas dress for Samarra..................grrrrr... so mom had to fix that..................Second call... Darla... did you not pack pajamas for her....................GRrrrrr................Third call............Darla....and well i cant remember the third one.. but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... I was so mad at myself.......... What the heck is wrong with my brain!

But my mother as usual rescued the situation and all was well= ) Can you say momma's girl........... Yeah I will admit I am............She is amazing!.............

Anyway.... we also went to a BBQ over the weekend...........she got to go to the water park.......... Out to eat...........play in the water at home................ Some other things of course I don't remember...........UGGG

But my point is, she has not been sitting at home.............BUT yet her active butt thinks she needs to be moving constantly and doing something............She cries , acts like the world is ending..........says she hates me and I am a horrible mother............Which of course if you know me, doesn't do anything to me at all.... I am used to it, at least i don't get death threats lately.........

HOWEVER... She went completely insane one day cause she accidentally made Siahna fall down and she went insane.......................Screaming and crying..........of course ran to her safe place which is the couch with her blanket over her head screaming.. I am horrible..........I am the worst sister ever!!!!!!!!!! I wish i didn't have a sister so I wouldn't be so bad..............Why cant she just be gone!!!.........Make her go away.. I was not this bad until she got here.

HUMMMMM Do i detect some jealous issues in there??????????? Ya know.... MOMMIE CONFESSIONAL TIME...........Samarra is soooooooo needy and she requires a lot of attention, and watching and correction and monitoring and guidance in almost everything she does. But Siahna is a baby .. well 2 1/2 but still she is not fully understanding of how things work yet... I DO NOT have the time to focus on Samarra and I KNOW a lot of her attention ends up being negative...........I HAVE GOT to find more reasons to praise her!!!!!!!!.. Don't get me wrong... I do praise her some every day , but the negative outdoes it by far!!!!!!!!

I wish wish wish i could find something that would interest her for real!!!!!! Again in all our activities.........Even with other kids around, Samarra comes and stands by me, or sits on me or lays down by me of course getting in my bubble quite bad and in my face.. I am nice at first and i say something like honey.. go play with the kids.............But I love you and i want to be by my mommy............I love you too honey but you always want to play with kids and are bored.. go play, they wont be here long.................But i love you and they wont play what i like, they always want to play what they want....Well honey.. it is cause you only like to play one thing and you make them all sit down and watch you, it is boring for them, but they do it for a while and then it is time to play something else SO...GO!...And she doesn't move...Girl if you don't go play I am going to quit letting anyone come over ever!!!!!!!!!........and she gets upset and is crying and walks off slowly all dramatic.. BYE mom.. I love you... this is it.........

WOW really??????? So now I feel kinda guilty, but DANG what do i have to do to get her to play with them........It has to be her play or no play........... I don't know how many times I have had to push her away from me lately............And I doing wrong by this?? Even with all the attention I give her.. are these times hurting her mentally???   I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not in her brain!

But I cant just let her sit on the sideline either.............that child would sit on my lap when i go potty if I let her!!!! I make her leave then too and she cries...........is that wrong?????   OH LAWD...

So July 4th................Not horrible.. but I made sure i was prepared!!!!!!!!!!!! Home early, all doors and windows shut tight!!!!!!!!!!! Noise reducing headset on............and baby to bed by 9 p.m. So i could go hide in my room. I told her to keep the headset on and she wont hear a thing..........We live in the same mile block as Regional Park in MWC where they were doing a show..... WELL.......... I made one mistake.......... GRRRRRRR See how this works is, she feeds off of fear and if she speaks about it she gets herself worked up even more..........I have learned from experience with her when it comes to things..DONT discuss it.......It does not help, she is set in her way and nothing will help.. no amount of mommy comfort works.. it makes it worse..........So here are my words to her before I went to hide.

Samarra.... LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES........DO NOT come ge tme if you happen to hear a firework.. I am not intersted in knowing about it.... you keep your headset on and either watch tv or play the ipod so you hear that.........DO NOT come get me!

Mean.. probably to most..........BUT not here.

So I am chillin in my room............OMGosh I forgot to take my potassium..... for some reason I run low.. anyway.. CRAP.. so i quick go through and grab it and i try to get out.......... and it starts............

Mommy.. i am scared...... put your headset on and watch tv..........MOMMY!!!!!! I am going to hear a boom.............No, you are not.............MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!! call someone make them stop it!!!!!! SAMARRA I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!!!.........I walk off MOMMY HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE!. Rocking and holding her ears and crying.......... and kicking, getting mad because i wont stay.....

WOW really..I am sorry, but i had to laugh a little on my way off..........Samarra don't be so dramatic.. I love you good night.....DON'T make eye contact!!!!!!!!! ............I just had to leave because the more I engaged her, the worse she got..................She kept on for a bit but then she got quiet.. i heard the fireworks start and I peeked out and she had her headset on and playing ipod......... The next morning............MOMMY are you proud of me I went all night and I was brave!!

I just simply said.. Yes honey I am VERY proud of you.. See I knew you could do it all along................That's why you let me do it by myself huh mommy... Yes, honey cause I know you are brave....      Please tell me why all the dramatics just to get to that part............. I HATE DRAMA!! Well except movies lolol

OK, well you know I have a billion more thoughts, but it all comes down to this..............I have no idea what I am doing with her it seems...........as she grows all the old is out the window!

Lets end with last night........ Samarra.. again....

I HATE you.........mean face.........anger in her eyes....I promise if looks could kill.. she got it DOWN!!!.........It is weird.. her looks make me very uncomfortable at times and I am her MOMMA!!!.......(Because I wont let her WALK to the park alone.)

ME: oh yeah.. you HATE me cause i gave you pop sickle today or is it because i let you play in the water?? Ore maybe because I let you stay the night at your friends house again.. OH i know maybe it is because I got your favorite food for you......Or maybe because when i went to the store i got you a new toy..
She is now crying.. no MOM STOP.. I am not mad anymore..

I keep going.......Maybe it is because we played a game tonight, maybe because I told you we would go out after work on Friday............MOM.. Stop.. i love you, crying.....

Ok, I will stop, But please lord Jesus.. tell me why you hate me and look a me like that???????

(Here are the keywords right here to Samarra's existence......)

" Cause I did not get my way"

Me: That's what I thought and did it help you get your way........?
Samarra: Nope
Me: So why even try it?
Samarra: Because your intelligence is lower and your brain forgets things and if you get emotionally upset sometimes you let me do things you normally wouldn't do..

Well she does have a point, i do get to an edge where i give in sometimes and I shouldn't...........WHAT?? I never said I was perfect!

OK on to pictures= )   I have a bunch of them!!!!!!!!!!