Aspergers, ODD.... I MAKE IT RAIN??? I am going to be rich!! July 27, 2012

Happy Friday!!!

Runnin to the weekend  !!!  LOLOLOL

Got up this morning, felt awesome!!! Took my shower, brushed teeth, took my medicine and got my coffee.. which is the most important part of course!!!!!! Put my make-up on, got Samarra's medicine and woke her up to take it, with bread of course......... And she flips out on me yelling and screaming cause i woke her up after 6 a.m. I remember feeling so helpless and just lost and just when i felt like i might break down.................................................I WOKE UP!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE???  Now I am plagued with dreams, can a girl not get any rest!!!! I would prefer to be in a zombie movie being close to eaten alive, at least that is kinda cool!!!!!!!!! Even if i might wake up screaming!  lololol

So, I get up, I actually am kinda freakin out thinking, this might happen, so I am double checking everything to make sure all of it is good to make sure nothing happens when she wakes up..........Then I realize something..................I am scared..............anxious.............nervous...............I am acting like an abused person trying to keep from getting abused by conforming to make sure she is 100% happy..

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS???????????

It is not her fault, lately I have just been trying to figure out what I am not doing write to cause us to slip backwards on some stuff... Her anger is getting worse, her aggression is getting worse and her words are getting more mean........ And she laughs about all of it. She does not have empathy at all sometimes....

MOMMIE CONFESSION TIME............... So with all that has been going on...........I have been pushed to the limit a few times...........You will be happy to know I did NOT rect in anger, but yet, I pulled myself down to her level and just went crazy............I am pretty sure this is not a good idea, so y'all don't do this. lolol

So we are sitting on the porch and daddy is out there and I accidentally tripped and coulda hurt myself pretty bad cause i was comin down on a metal thing i have in my rock garden.........BUT I saved myself.......Samarra laughs and says..........man i wished you would have fallen so you woulda got hurt.. that woulda been funny and then maybe even have to go to the hospital!

1.2.3. I am pissed...........I jump back in and said in a loud boisterous voice with a weird laugh...........Better yet it woulda been awesome if i had died and cracked my head open and blood was pouring out of my head huh.. Daddy joined in fake laughing and said yea that woulda been awesome.. and i continued with and then you wouldn't have a mommie at all!!!!!!!!!!  and laughed..........  She was just sitting there

DAGGERS were coming out of her eyes and she was NOT HAPPY at me at all.........Guess what..........I stole her thunder............AWWWWWWWWWW

OK so you see, I am not being a proper mother right at this moment  lol  But maybe it did work, she was not laughing.........

So I guess after long thoughts at night, not sleeping well.. even thinking I am the wrong person to handle her........I think it is all because school is not in.......So we just have a few more weeks to go and I hope all will return to normal!

EVERYONE BOW YOUR HEADS AND PRAY THIS IS THE ISSUE!!!!!!!!

Seriously do it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lololol

It has gotten so ridiculous that natural happenings are being directed at me....... She was suppose to go swimming yesterday and when she woke up she looked out the window and say some clouds and immediately jumped on me!!!!!!!!!!!!  She is saying "We aren't going swimming cause it is going to rain and I hate you!!!!"  I am like why you hate me for that?? She is like cause your making it rain cause you dotn want me to go swimming!!!!!!!
She pulls her hand back to hit me.............I looked at her with I am sure the look of a devil in angels clothing and i said girl... You better talk to God about the rain, you gonna hit him to???

She backed down and said.. but we are suppose to go and WE wont if it rains!!!!!!!   I just ignored her and walked out the door..........but you know what...........she has control of my nerves cause the first thing I did when I left work was call mom to see if they went swimming and she said no.. I panicked and started thinking of anything i could do to make her happy.........


I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it is time to call Dr. Poynter again...................FOR ME!!!

Ya know the blog has does it again.. i never even realized what a problem I have here until I just wrote it out... I almost just cried.................See I told you I am not perfect!

The only thing I can say with certainty is.. I love my girls with all my heart unconditionally..........And it is said and I believe, God will not put on me more than I can bare, but i may be close to death gettin there!!!!  lololol

OH well.. you know what, there is not a blog big enough or long enough for me to write my daily accounts lately...........BUT, I will smile on and mean it.. none of that fake smile stuff, then you just look funny  lolol

 Here are some pics.. mostly the baby as Samarra has not been in any mood to take photos. I did however take one anyway= )

Samarra acting as she does a lot at home, I told her i want to show the world how she REALLY is, not what they get to see...........I am bad I know............I did at least remember to stay at least two feet back!!!

Siahna stylin in mommies OH so cute flower flip flop pimps!!

Me July 25, looking a bit tired!

My wet Rats!!

Playin with water balloons at the play park= )

Have an awesome week y'all...........

Aspergers, ODD, ....Should I feel kind of bad??? July16, 2012

Well.........................

Happy Monday!!!

Bet you never heard a "happy" before Monday  lolol

Well I am a "looser" lolol I did not post on Friday, But think of it this way, you get to have my words TWICE this week!!!   YEA YOU!!!   LOLOL

OK, so here is my explanation to why.. Last week was Bible school for Samarra, so every night I got home, mom sent her out, I drove her to Bible school and she got home about 8:45 and then i put the baby right to bed and the very first night we set up a routine of Samarra gets a snack and she brushes her teeth, then mom goes and gets in bed and I watch TV till i pass out.....


SOOOOOOOOOO Basically I did not see her all week!  How could anything go wrong???  lolol

Then her Nanna came and got the girls Friday morning and kept them till Siahna's nap and then took Samarra back home with her for the night....


THEN

She came home at 10 on Saturday and a friend more like my "Sista from anotha mista"  lolol  Anyway.... and my God daughter Joclyn came to visit and we all went to eat at Chedders. We then went to my dad's house for their garage sell and the girls got to pick out something they wanted to have....

Then again...

We went home and My sister Debbi picked Samarra up to spend the night. Got up on Sunday.. went to church where i got Samarra and came home and got stuff together to go to my great niece's B-day party at 2 p.m.  We stayed there till a bit after 4 p.m. then went to car wash and home by 4:30p.m.

Then i started getting stuff together for the next day.. dinner and baths and such and then it happened.

Samarra says......What are we going to do now?? 
ME: What do you mean
Samarra: I have been doing stuff every night about this time, so what are we going to do?
Me: Well, I am makin dinner and going to get the stuff ready for the week, what are you going to do.
Samarra: NO, you have to do something with me.
Me: Do you want to do what I am doing??
Samarra: NO, That is your job as a mother!
Me: Ok, so what is your job as a daughter?
Samarra: I need to be doing something
Me: So do something
Samarra: (Mad as all heck now)
Me: Samarra, just cause you have been doing stuff all over, does not mean you have to do it over and over every night.. that was special.
Samarra: now she is just mad.. On couch of course.. crying... blanket over head, kicking and screaming things like i need something to do.. you NEVER do what i need to do..

AHHHHHHHHH the sweet sound of chaos is back....................Life is normal.. life is happy....

LOLOL... Siahna says to her, not getting close to her... Sissy.. you done yet??

Samarra goes on for a while and as always light goes off and now all is happy in the Lindauer house hold.. I even got an I love you mom... = )  CHEEEZE


So should i feel bad or guilty that this week was great for me??? Is that not kind of like me saying I like it better when she is not around??  Cause I am telling you, that is NOT true!!!  I was all kinds of emotional this week not seeing her much.. I even got teary eyed once..........Sure it was cause i was thinking how peaceful it was with her gone and how guilty i felt and how i must be a horrible mother to think that.. but HEY i cried dangit!  lololol   Whatever.. I love her and i miss her, but she likes to be a busy bee so let her i guess....

SOOO the moral to this week is.. we do awesome when we are not together  lololol   ..... NOOOOOO.........I am kidding, but when she is busy busy busy.. she has no time to think about other things........ BUT sorry to say, that is not reality so we are back to normal this week.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!


Here is quite a few pics of the week, yes, most are Siahna, but she was the only one home almost!!!

lol The slide is bigger than the little pool  lolol  can you say GHETTO!!!  But FUN  lol

AWWWW my babies!!

That face can get her anything .. ALMOST  lolol

Chillaxin in da pool

KISSES!!

I got STYLE!!!

My office= )

 Have a great week!!!

Aspergers, ODD...Fireworks.. snap. crackle..meltdown! July 6, 2012

We get two Friday's !!!! Kinda...

Apparently the buzz is QUITE funny!!  lololol

 WOW!! This holiday on a Wed. messed with my head!!!

OK, so yea.........I did miss last week.. SORRY!!!  WHEW work was so busy and my schedule was so crazy due to the elections and such... When the elections come around my team and I help with making sure the web site is the most quick on returns on votes and winners. But that meant working late, going in late, just all messed up!!!

It has been a roller coaster ride though!!! Funny enough not bad enough to remember all of it.. so that is good......lolol.. or as i have said many times.. i think it is just my brain shutting down on me.. OLD AGE!!!! BLAH!

Oh here is an example..........AND VERY EXITING NEWS!!!!!!  Samarra had her first NON family member sleep over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHOOT WHOOT!! And guess what????  No one died!!!!!!!!!!  AND.........They asked her to come back!!!!!!!!!

People have asked me how did she do before.. I am like.. forget how she was I was a nervous wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was stress eating.. Nachos of course.......lolol  I was not sleeping.........I packed her bag to go and my mom called me from home the first time..........Darla.. Did you know you put in Siahnas dress for Samarra..................grrrrr... so mom had to fix that..................Second call... Darla... did you not pack pajamas for her....................GRrrrrr................Third call............Darla....and well i cant remember the third one.. but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....  I was so mad at myself..........  What the heck is wrong with my brain!

But my mother as usual rescued the situation and all was well= )  Can you say momma's girl...........  Yeah I will admit I am............She is amazing!............. 

Anyway.... we also went to a BBQ over the weekend...........she got to go to the water park.......... Out to eat...........play in the water at home................ Some other things of course I don't remember...........UGGG

But my point is, she has not been sitting at home.............BUT yet her active butt thinks she needs to be moving constantly and doing something............She cries , acts like the world is ending..........says she hates me and I am a horrible mother............Which of course if you know me, doesn't do anything to me at all.... I am used to it, at least i don't get death threats lately.........

HOWEVER... She went completely insane one day cause she accidentally made Siahna fall down and she went insane.......................Screaming and crying..........of course ran to her safe place which is the couch with her blanket over her head screaming.. I am horrible..........I am the worst sister ever!!!!!!!!!!  I wish i didn't have a sister so I wouldn't be so bad..............Why cant she just be gone!!!.........Make her go away.. I was not this bad until she got here.

HUMMMMM  Do i detect some jealous issues in there???????????  Ya know.... MOMMIE CONFESSIONAL TIME...........Samarra is soooooooo needy and she requires a lot of attention, and watching and correction and monitoring and guidance in almost everything she does. But Siahna is a baby .. well 2 1/2 but still she is not fully understanding of how things work yet... I DO NOT have the time to focus on Samarra and I KNOW a lot of her attention ends up being negative...........I HAVE GOT to find more reasons to praise her!!!!!!!!.. Don't get me wrong... I do praise her some every day , but the negative outdoes it by far!!!!!!!!

I wish wish wish i could find something that would interest her for real!!!!!! Again in all our activities.........Even with other kids around, Samarra comes and stands by me, or sits on me or lays down by me of course getting in my bubble quite bad and in my face.. I am nice at first and i say something like honey.. go play with the kids.............But I love you and i want to be by my mommy............I love you too honey but you always want to play with kids and are bored.. go play, they wont be here long.................But i love you and they wont play what i like, they always want to play what they want....Well honey.. it is cause you only like to play one thing and you make them all sit down and watch you, it is boring for them, but they do it for a while and then it is time to play something else SO...GO!...And she doesn't move...Girl if you don't go play I am going to quit letting anyone come over ever!!!!!!!!!........and she gets upset and is crying and walks off slowly all dramatic.. BYE mom.. I love you... this is it.........

WOW really???????  So now I feel kinda guilty, but DANG what do i have to do to get her to play with them........It has to be her play or no play...........  I don't know how many times I have had to push her away from me lately............And I doing wrong by this?? Even with all the attention I give her.. are these times hurting her mentally???   I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am not in her brain!

But I cant just let her sit on the sideline either.............that child would sit on my lap when i go potty if I let her!!!! I make her leave then too and she cries...........is that wrong?????   OH LAWD...

So July 4th................Not horrible.. but I made sure i was prepared!!!!!!!!!!!!  Home early, all doors and windows shut tight!!!!!!!!!!!  Noise reducing headset on............and baby to bed by 9 p.m. So i could go hide in my room. I told her to keep the headset on and she wont hear a thing..........We live in the same mile block as Regional Park in MWC where they were doing a show..... WELL.......... I made one mistake.......... GRRRRRRR  See how this works is, she feeds off of fear and if she speaks about it she gets herself worked up even more..........I have learned from experience with her when it comes to things..DONT discuss it.......It does not help, she is set in her way and nothing will help.. no amount of mommy comfort works.. it makes it worse..........So here are my words to her before I went to hide.

Samarra.... LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES........DO NOT come ge tme if you happen to hear a firework.. I am not intersted in knowing about it.... you keep your headset on and either watch tv or play the ipod so you hear that.........DO NOT come get me!

Mean.. probably to most..........BUT not here.

So I am chillin in my room............OMGosh I forgot to take my potassium..... for some reason I run low.. anyway.. CRAP.. so i quick go through and grab it and i try to get out.......... and it starts............

Mommy.. i am scared...... put your headset on and watch tv..........MOMMY!!!!!!  I am going to hear a boom.............No, you are not.............MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!  call someone make them stop it!!!!!!  SAMARRA I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!!!.........I walk off MOMMY HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE!.  Rocking and holding her ears and crying.......... and kicking, getting mad because i wont stay.....

WOW really..I am sorry, but i had to laugh a little on my way off..........Samarra don't be so dramatic.. I love you good night.....DON'T make eye contact!!!!!!!!!  ............I just had to leave because the more I engaged her, the worse she got..................She kept on for a bit but then she got quiet.. i heard the fireworks start and I peeked out and she had her headset on and playing ipod.........  The next morning............MOMMY are you proud of me I went all night and I  was brave!!  

I just simply said.. Yes honey I am VERY proud of you.. See I knew you could do it all along................That's why you let me do it by myself huh mommy... Yes, honey cause I know you are brave....      Please tell me why all the dramatics just to get to that part.............  I HATE DRAMA!!  Well except movies  lolol

OK, well you know I have a billion more thoughts, but it all comes down to this..............I have no idea what I am doing with her it seems...........as she grows all the old is out the window!

Lets end with last night........ Samarra.. again....

I HATE you.........mean face.........anger in her eyes....I promise if looks could kill.. she got it DOWN!!!.........It is weird.. her looks make me very uncomfortable at times and I am her MOMMA!!!.......(Because I wont let her WALK to the park alone.)

ME: oh yeah.. you HATE  me cause i gave you pop sickle today or is it because i let you play in the water?? Ore maybe because I let you stay the night at your friends house again.. OH i know maybe it is because I got your favorite food for you......Or maybe because when i went to the store i got you a new toy..
She is now crying.. no MOM STOP.. I am not mad anymore..

I keep going.......Maybe it is because we played a game tonight, maybe because I told you we would go out after work on Friday............MOM.. Stop.. i  love you, crying.....

Ok, I will stop, But please lord Jesus.. tell me why you hate me and look a me like that???????

(Here are the keywords right here to Samarra's existence......)

" Cause I did not get my way"

Me: That's what I thought and did it help you get your way........?
Samarra: Nope
Me: So why even try it?
Samarra: Because your intelligence is lower and your brain forgets things and if you get emotionally upset sometimes you let me do things you normally wouldn't do..

Well she does have a point, i do get to an edge where i give in sometimes and I shouldn't...........WHAT?? I never said I was perfect!

OK on to pictures= )   I have a bunch of them!!!!!!!!!!

Not sure I need a caption.. just proof I did let her out of the house!!  lol

She liked to sit on the lady bug sprinkler to feel the water on her bootay  lol

Happy girls.. wet girls...

July 4th

Samarra eating...........See the meat.. She ate it!!

Lovin some wings!!!!

Home made Water Slide.....

July 5th

Yea.. I got attitude...........

The next Revlon model....................Looks good as a mustache too... lol

Have an awesome week!!!!!!